What The Last Jedi Needs to do to Save Star Wars

I'm not one of the legion of people who hated The Force Awakens.


I didn't cry "Mary Sue!" at Rey (Mary Sues are supposed to be super-competent, she comes off as super-lucky at best).

I didn't whine that I wanted Heir to the Empire on film (though would it have killed them to have Zahn write the screenplay? Really?).

Though, Good God, they needed about a truckload of exposition to make things make sense. I never thought I'd insist that a movie stop to just explain things.

Seriously, simple lines would have helped. ONE LINE would have helped in 90% of the cases. And I'll show you how in a minute.

But right now, I'll give you one fix, one major fix that would solve a lot of problems. Ready? Here we go....

TELL THE CAST AND CREW TO KEEP THEIR FLIPPING MOUTHS SHUT.

No, really, tell these people to shut up. I don't think I would have even noticed race in The Force Awakens if some idiot didn't boast about "We've got a Spaniard and a black guy, and womyn! ALL THE WOMYN. And this character is even a Lesbian!!!!!"

....No, really, just shut up people. The more you talk, the more I want to smother you with a pillow.

Yes, for the record, there's supposed to be lesbian character in The Last Jedi... though I have a side bet with myself that if we weren't explicitly told, we wouldn't notice, and possibly not even notice anyway.

But, yes, much of The Last Jedi's job will be double duty. It has to insert backstory, as well as a lot of exposition that should have been in The Force Awakens.

But as I said, luckily, it will require very little actual effort on their part.

Complaint: "First Order? The Resistance? WTF?"

Fix for The Last Jedi: Explain. Everything. Rey's been on not-Tatooine for her life, hearing bits and pieces of the story. Somebody can explain everything, and it should technically work. Assuming no one screwed THAT up. The best I can put together from online reseach, the line is simple..

Luke: The First Order is what's left of the Empire. The Resistance is the New Republic's mercenary army, hired and assembled specifically to wipe out the First Order.

There is a ton of this sort of crap scattered throughout The Force Awakens. Heck, there are problems here that we didn't even know at the time. Heck, the star destroyer we see in the desert after a TIE fighter crashes? That was apparently part of a major battle that happened after The Return of the Jedi. Would have been nice to know that, yes?  Seriously, can we have any idea what happened between point A and point B? Is that too much to ask? I'm not going to read Chuck Wendig. Ever.

Though, honestly, most of these could be fixed with a simple line here and there. 

Complaint: "MARY SUE! REY FIXES THE FALCON BETTER THAN HAN SOLO CAN."

Fix for The Last Jedi.

Rey: "Of course I can fix parts on the Falcon. I've spent my life in the guts of an Imperial Star Destroyer, taking apart far better tech."

... Also, does anyone remember Empire Strikes Back? Half the movie is showing Han try to fix the Falcon, badly, and failing.

Complaint: "MARY SUE! REY FLIES THE FALCON BETTER THAN HAN SOLO CAN."

Fix for The Last Jedi.

Rey: "Saying I flew the Falcon ... is generous. More like falling with the engines on."

Seriously, people saw that she was flying awesomely. I saw that she was pulling at whatever controls would work.

Complaint: "MARY SUE! SHE BEAT A FULLY TRAINED SITH."

Fix for The Last Jedi.

Luke: "You've seen Chewie's bowcaster. It's basically artillery. He shot Kylo Ren with it. If Kylo weren't busy bleeding out all over the place, or if you hadn't spent so much time running, you would have been bantha fodder. You've got some nice basic moves for a stick fighter, but you need more if you ever fight him when he's healthy."

Seriously, if you look at the behind the scenes portions, the stunt team trained Daisy Ridley (Rey) working on the presumption of simple stick fighting.

They actually put real thought into this ... they just didn't EXPLAIN anything.


Complaint: "MARY SUE! SHE FIGHTS BETTER THAN A STORMTROOPER!!!"

Fix for The Last Jedi.... None needed.

No. Really. We've all see how bad Stormtroopers are. They can't even hit anything. The joke is that a Stormtrooper fires at a red shirt, misses, the red shirt dies anyway.

I'm surprised "The First Order" has any competent people.

Complaint: "A Stormtrooper on sanitation? Really?"

Fix for The Last Jedi: I'm not sure any is needed. Vet friends of mine tell me that people who make that complaint have simply never worked in the military.

Complaint: "MARY SUE! REY HAS NO TRAINING IN THE FORCE AND DID ALL THIS!!!"

Fix for The Last Jedi.

Apparently, in the novel, they actually spell out that Kylo Ren mind-reading Rey unlocked her force abilities. Which is nice, but EXPLAIN IN THE MOVIE, PLEASE.

I don't actually have a problem with that, actually. Why? Because I saw Doctor Who do this with "The Girl in the Fireplace," and the girl there didn't have any force abilities. As the BBC show said, "An open door goes both ways," or something like that.

And in A New Hope, we're supposed to infer that Luke was already a good shot because of the Force, he just didn't know it yet. And this translates into him blowing up a Death Star, in a fighter he's never flown before.

Frankly, I thought the scene with the Storm trooper and "leave the gun" was just funny as heck. Then again, not like the trooper's have the best minds in the Empire.