DC Comics Rebuilds Vertigo, now with more "I can't Even"

What the Seven Hells is this crap?

“It’s time to rebuild DC Vertigo. We’re returning to our roots by spotlighting the most exciting new voices in comics, as well as bringing new voices to comics. From the corners of television, games, music, activism, podcasting, comics and more, all of our creators are passionate and have something to say. These sophisticated stories have amazing new characters and vast worlds to explore. That’s what it has always been about for me—new stories, new voices, new possibilities. We’re creating a new generation of DC Vertigo classics for readers of all genres.”

The DC Vertigo brand will expand its slate with seven new series: Border Town, Hex Wives, American Carnage, Goddess Mode, High Level,  Safe Sex, and Second Coming.

Border Town? 

“When a crack in the border between worlds releases an army of monsters from Mexican folklore into the small town of Devil’s Fork, Arizona, the residents blame the ensuing weirdness—the shared nightmares, the otherworldly radio transmissions, the mysterious goat mutilations—on “God-dang illegals.” With racial tensions supernaturally charged, it’s up to new kid in town Frank Dominguez and a motley crew of high school misfits to discover what’s REALLY going on.”

I'm not sure what's worse -- the inherent racism in assuming that every resident of Arizona is an "ignorant redneck" who assumes that every Hispanic is Illegal / Mexican / whatever is scum; the cliche of "motley crew of high school misfits" to the rescue, (thanks, I saw Buffy the first time) or that someone probably wanted to cook up a "This will piss off Trump" storyline.

Sad thing this, they could have made a halfway decent Buffy retread if some of the obvious idiocies weren't so blatant.

Hex Wives?  Oh dear, this isn't going to go well, is it?

 “The women are too powerful. They must be tamed.” A malevolent conspiracy of men brainwashes a coven of witches to be subservient, suburban housewives. But it’s only a matter of time before the women remember their power…

......

So .... are they trying to turn "witches" into some sort of "female empowerment" allegory? Because, yes, that's just want I wanted -- SATANIC RITUALS IN MY HEROES. For the love of ....

And yes, Satanic. I saw the cover. Pentagrams and everything.

Oh yay.  Shoot me now, really.

I'm afraid to even ask about "American Carnage."

“In this thrilling crime saga, disgraced FBI agent Richard Wright, who is biracial but can pass for white, goes undercover in a white supremacist group believed to be responsible for the death of a fellow agent.”

WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP WITH THE WHITE SUPREMACIST BS! Those stories were done to death in the 90s. Like high school shooters, all you're doing is giving the actual three dozen white supremacists some encouragement and giving them disproportionate attention.

Also, if they had any sense of reality, what they would do is have the murdered "fellow agent" have been killed by another undercover officer.

Like this

Sigh...

Now, what fresh Hell is coming next?

"Goddess Mode"...

This will be as bad as Hex Wives, won't it?

“In a near future where all of humanity’s needs are administered by a godlike A.I., it’s one young woman’s horrible job to do tech support on it. But when Cassandra finds herself violently drawn into a hidden and deadly digital world beneath our own, she discovers a group of super-powered women and horrific monsters locked in a secret war for the cheat codes to reality.”

I'm just going to guess that all of the monsters are men. Because we didn't have enough 1970s pseudo feminism kicking around.

Funny enough, most of those were objects of ridicule because they were self parody. They're still just as insane, but they're taking it seriously now?

Oh, and it's written by Zoe Quinn, friend and fan of Gamer Gate supporters everywhere.... not.

High Level, ... I'm sure this will end well.

“Hundreds of years after the world ended and human society was rebuilt from scratch, a self-interested smuggler with a price on her head is forced to traverse a new continent of danger and mystery to deliver a child messiah to High Level, a mythical city at the top of the world from which no one has ever returned.”

I'm not sure what's worse here: a "messiah" or more "end of the world" BS.

 Safe Sex

“A dystopian sci-fi thriller about a ragtag team of sex workers fighting for the freedom to love in a world where sexual pleasure is monitored, regulated and policed by the government.”

DC Comics! Your last best hope to encourage sex trafficking! Because all sex workers are doing it willingly....

Guys, even the people who are doing it willingly aren't all doing it willingly. A good chunk are doing it because THEY HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU IDIOTS!!!!!!!

Second Coming... oh, now what?

“God sends Jesus to Earth in hopes that he will learn the family trade from Sun-Man, an all-powerful superhero, who is like the varsity quarterback son God never had. But, upon his return to Earth, Christ is appalled to discover what has become of his Gospel and vows to set the record right.”

Let me guess, all of the eeeeevvvvviiiilllll Christians are Trump supporters, interchangeable with the Westboro Baptist Church, and "love" means accepting every vile sin on the books.

I can't even begin to wrap my brain around this. It's like every lefty /Socialist talking point ever.

• Toxic feminism? Check.
• Anti-borders? Check.
• Anti-Christian? Check.
• LBGTQXYZ? Check.
• Ray-cis! Check

Screw it. Here, have my novels. Which have sexy badass heroines without being super-annoying Waif-Fu, and actually feminine. Filled with action, super-heroics, actual Christianity, and explosions.

Honor at Stake & Demons are Forever

The Dragons are coming.

If you don't have your ballot filled out already (either IRL or in your head,) here's my list. It includes the lists of other people, so there are options.

Just remember to vote.