CSI: Fascist, a mid-season review

Yes, technically, this is a review of CSI: Cyber, but no, CSI Fascist works.

This show sucks. Yes, that's the word. Sucks. The writing? Juvenile. The acting?  The acting is bad. How bad? Lucy Lawless as Xena was Shakespeare compared to the acting gig of Patricia Arquette on this show.

The plotlines of late have amounted to the Left-Wing propaganda narrative of the week.  From banks are evil to cops are racist, to the federal government will come in on a shining white horse every time and they are always right and they can stampede whatever rights get in their way. Because it is, after all, for your own good.

Even the one good actor that they imported, Ted Danson, cannot save this drek.  Danson is probably even embarrassed to be on this show, given how little he's actually in it. Comparatively, he has the same amount of screen time as Peter MacNicole did in the first season, and MacNicole was the best thing on this show, despite being on for only minutes an episode.  And, in all honesty, MacNicole  should have had at least one line discussing Lord of the Rings, in particular, the actor playing Aragorn, if only so he could have used the line, "He is Viggo!"

But no one probably even remembers Ghostbusters II on this set.

If you are at all aware of this show, Patricia Arquette plays FBI Agent Avery "I'm always right" Ryan, who has no personality beyond that of a dishrag. But she's constantly chewing out subordinates for being human and not a lifeless automaton like her. She bitched out her head doorkicker for hitting a pederast one too many times, grounding him in their DC offices, and whining some more when he leaves the building to do his job.

And of course, the might and awe of the FBI is never wrong. Private companies? Run by morons, and they can't hire anyone with a tenth of the competence of the Feds. No individuals can compare to the power of the FBI ... except for deranged loners with magical computer powers.

This series was encapsulated in one moment of a recent episode.  One of their former criminals, a woman serving time in the Cyber division, is up for early release. Avery's statement is designed to keep this woman under her thumb and in the FBI, against her will, because God forbid this woman go out and have a life with her own free will, because who knows what she'll do if she were allowed to be a person.

Avery later confesses to Ted Danson's character that IF AVERY HAD TOLD THE TRUTH, her pet criminal would be free right now.

Yes, you read that right -- Patricia Arquette's character lied in order to keep an employee under her thumb against her will.

I might -- I say might -- tune in next week in order to see if her character is assassinated.

Also, now that I have watched a few episodes with someone whose specialty is in cyber security, almost every piece of information that they're spinning about technology happens to be on par with the "technology" being taught at Hogwarts to Harry Potter.

Writer's Rules For Villains

Rules for Antagonists, Villains, etc.


A long while ago, a writer came up with a contest for Rules for Superheroes. It was cute, and genre-specific.

But I always like a smart enemy to go with my protagonists. Preferably, someone who thinks ahead.  So, I have Rules for Antagonists.  Be they killers in murder mysteries, archvillains in comic books, or your basic takeover the world types in science fiction and fantasy, this should be their playbook.


Rule #1: NEVER. TOUCH. THE GIRLFRIEND.  It only pisses them off.

Drazen's Corollary: While abducting the significant other / close relation of your archrival in order to lure him/her into your sinister trap, it will only serve to piss them off.  Your normally docile hero, who tends towards nonlethal force, will seriously consider thrashing you to within an inch of your life, and--if no sidekicks are there to enforce restraint--might go three inches beyond that.

Parker's Corollary on Drazen: If you MUST lure them anywhere, use the standard busload of children chosen at random--it will typically serve to get the required effect, especially with a note to the local media sources and/or police agencies.  Should you do this in a city with a high protagonist population (eg: Marvel's New York), be certain to request the hero of your choice: otherwise you get all of them.


Rule #2. Don't gloat. The amount of time it takes for you to boast, and threaten, and deliver your well-practiced maniacal laughter, someone you overlooked will have unplugged your weapon / unlocked the handcuffs on the prisoners / otherwise screwed up your plans.  Gloat after you've won. (Also: See rule 7)

Fletcher's Corollary: Overlook no one. Seriously, if you're going to take over the world / kill someone / unleash a diabolical scheme, no one is unimportant. Witnesses will provide evidence. Just because it's some nobody in the background asking questions doesn't mean there's no threat—people in the background tend to observe a lot.

Goldfinger's Corollary: Never use the line, "Because you are all about to die anyway, I will tell you all about my evil plan."  This includes all variations on this theme.


Rule #3: Avoid patterns. No matter how comfortable you are with a certain places / style / or MO, repeating it on a constant loop will only serve to have the authorities find you.



Rule #4: Wear gloves during your crimes. If possible, wear a full body suit to prevent fingerprints, hairs, or skin cells from being left behind.

Grissom's Corollary For Killers: This includes keeping souvenirs.



Rule #5: Don't let ideology govern your tactics. Just because your ideology says that your enemy is inferior doesn't make them stupid.

Tarkin's Corollary. Underestimating your enemies will get you killed.

Thrawn's Corollary on Tarkin: Underestimating your allies will also get you killed.


Rule #6: Suicide bombers have never won a war, or even a battle. It only wastes experienced soldiers. Even disposable foot soldiers are not infinite. Minions do not grow on trees.

Zahn's Corollary: Unless you have a cloning unit for disposable foot-soldiers.

Von Doom's (PhD) Corollary on Zahn:  Or you build your own.


Rule #7 (or Rule 2, Expanded): If you have a chance to remove the adversary from the playing field on a permanent basis, do so. Do not lecture them, explain your scheme, or toy with them. Shoot them in the head, and move on.

Stark's Corollary: Also, do not wound them so they can still be useful to you. If they can be useful to you, they can also hurt you.

Ming's Corollary on Stark: Your enemy can be useful to you – dead. Examples are usually better that way.



Rule #8: If you cannot see the hero, worry.

Murphy's Corollary: If you cannot see your adversary, s/he is behind you.



Rule #9: No self destruct mechanisms, unless they are password protected, and require the passwords of at least three of your closest allies.  And confirmed by you. Twice.



Rule #10: Plan ahead.  You have all the time in the world to unleash your deadly plot on the world, or execute your crime.  Take appropriate precautions, and don't assume that everything will go according to plan.  If your plan is perfect, you're missing something.  Murphy is always right.

Palpatine's Corollary: If you are going to invite your enemies to come into range of your ultimate weapon, make sure that it's finished first.



Rule #11: No time travel. You don't have enough aspirin in the world to deal with the headache it will cause.

Doctor's Corollary: Unless you have a blue box.
 

 
Rule #12: Whatever psychological problems you have, make sure that you utilize them well.

Wilson's Corollary: Don't suffer from madness.  Enjoy every minute of it.



Rule #13: When your adversary is incapacitated, on the floor, at your mercy, it is not the time to (a) exercise your creativity in designing Rube Goldberg-esque death traps (b) write your monologue or (c) start gloating.  The answer is (d) shoot them in the head and move on.

DragonCon, Day 2, Part II, The Day the Con Blew Up.

The rest of DragonCon, day 2.  With the ever quotable Jim Butcher, a history of explosives, EMP bombs, weapons, hardware, writing weaponry, and the day DragonCon became a nuclear power.


DragonCon, 2010, day 2 part II