The Return of Everything

One, yes, I'm back. My guest has left for parts unknown (Iowa is greatly unknown to me) and I am now free and clear to right blogs again. The first thing I did was go over to the Catholic Geeks and pump out some articles, because I like to fulfill my obligations.

And, after finishing those news articles, I have to ask ... What is wrong with everyone lately?  Why is everyone and everything dedicated to reboots?

Okay, in some cases, I understand it. If it's a comic book something, fine, yay.  But why are people bothering bringing back crap that no one liked in the first place?

For example, Star Trek.  I understand bringing back Star Trek, because it's a force to be reckoned with, a franchise that's on the rebound.  So I understand having the return of Star Trek to the small screen.  Granted, in this case, it's smaller than usual, because it's "coming back" to computer streaming services, not to network or cable television. And, since the films are doing so well, it only stands to reason that Star Trek would take another stab at TV.

Star Trek has a fan base. It has some really die hard fans. These fans will cut you if you point out how DS9 ripped off Babylon 5. Star Trek is a franchise monster that's on the rebound.

THAT I understand.

But Van Helsing?  Remember that terrible Hugh Jackman film in 2004?  It's coming back, only to the Syfy channel and gender-swapped. And apparently with nothing to do with the original movie. None of the original people behind the film seem to be working on it, none of the cast are released, and it's being brought to us by the channel behind Sharknado.

Who thought this was a good idea? No one liked the original film, it died a horrible death at the box office, and it's so old, no one currently going to college probably even remembers it.  Honestly, it was 2004.  Do you remember that year very well?  It was the year after Lord of the Rings had finished, leaving Harry Potter to continue on inertia. Van Helsing was just a bad film.  And even worse, they've made it Vanessa Helsing -- unless it's Vanessa van Helsing, that means even THE NAME OF THE SHOW IS WRONG.  And if they make her nickname "Van," I'm going to throw rocks at the tv screen. That's such a stupid nickname, no one would swallow it.

Yes, I'm only pissed at the gender-swapping because they've managed to screw up the name in that route.


And, again -- why are they turning to a film that's over a decade old, that failed as a movie, and then making a tv show that's NOTHING LIKE THE MOVIE. If that's the case, why even bother claiming any connection to the original film in the first place? Because the weapons are all copyrighted? Because the clothing is? Because they wanted to avoid claims of lawsuits by Hellsing or Vampire Hunter D?  What?

Rate this Vampire Hunter F, for fail.

At the same time, they're also bringing back His Dark Materials, the books upon which the film The Golden Compass was based in 2007.  Again, why? It was a flop of a movie, making nowhere near the profit it needed to, and more or less destroying United Artists, who wanted the series to make Lord of the Rings-level money without using original material of a similar quality.

Golden Compass was comprised of fail.  It died a horrible, horrible, on-fire, screaming death. And yet, it's back. On television this time. And honestly, given what the Wrights have told me about Pullman's trilogy, and what I've seen of his work, I suspect the only reason he has a career is that he's over-hyped by the "right" people.

Okay, look, I know that TV is big right now. People can do more on NetFlix or television than they can on the big screen in some cases -- especially story-wise. Daredevil proved that NetFlix could make a fun, entertaining, dark, yet semi-artsy TV show that was awesome.

But going into failed films to hunt down material?  Really? Does no one in Hollywood read? Do they only see movies, and think "Hey, we could have done sooooo much better with this idea" and then run with it?

And why films that are so relatively old? 2007 was 8 years ago, folks, and that's the most recent film here. It can't be nostalgia.

Maybe they think that no one remembers how truly bad the original was, and that they can improve on the material so much more.  Which feels very much like glorified fan fiction.

Oh well, I don't get it. Though if anyone in Hollywood wants to make my books into movie, cut me a big enough check, I will go away and you will never have to listen to me bitch about what you did to my book -- because I will not see the movie. Yes, about half that check will be bribe money to keep me away from the film -- the script, the set, the casting, the actors, everything.

But that would require that these people can adapt their ideas from books instead of other films. Please, someone, get Peter Jackson to make more films based off of books... Just not another Hobbit movie, please.