The Anti-Puppies (Sad Puppies Bite Back VI)

Been a while since I used him

So ... more puppies.

See, I told you that they'd be back.  I was half afraid I'd never do another one as soon as I said "To be continued."

If you're new here....

Sad Puppies I
Sad Puppies II
Sad Puppies III
Sad Puppies IV

Sad Puppies V

What brought this one about?  Someone mentioned the other day that, well, NK Jemisin wanted to go to war against Larry Correia, because ... why not?  

My reaction was, "Wait, she wants to pick a fight with the lord of the fisk? Really?  Oh, this is just too good to pass up." 

And, well, everyone with me now, "It Just Spiraled."

Of course, I couldn't have done this one alone. I got input from The Novel Ninja (lots and LOTS of input ... and memes), the original inspiration came from His Tankness, and Margot also stayed up pasted her bed time to play with this.

For the record, a bit of legal CYA. For those of you who are named in this sketch: THIS IS A PARODY.  If you come to my blog, then whine, moan and complain that "Oh, I didn't do this or that" or some other damn thing, I'm not reporting the news, I'M MAKING FUN OF YOU.  If you comment that you're offended, I will merely make fun of you even MORE, because you not only lack a sense of humor, you can't even tell when something's supposed to be a joke. 

Thank you.  Now that that's over and done with, everyone with me now: UNLEASH THE PUPPIES

Top Secret Safe Zone

[Meanwhile, in the headquarters of the "Friends of Sweetness and Light," George RR "Angel of Death" Martin is fresh from his ivory tower of stone and settles into a chair carved from the bones of all the characters he's ever murdered]

[GRRM]  Okay, everyone, time to have our monthly meeting on the situation with Sad Puppies. I believe, as always, that a steady, civil, even-handed approach will lead to our inevitable victory over the forces of--

[N.K. Jemisin, Angel (of color) of the Morning] Larry Correia is ugly!

[Martin is taken aback] Excuse me?

[Jemisin] You heard me.  The little douchebag is ugly.

[GRRM] Um, Jemisin, that's not the way--

[John "Noah Ward" Scalzi leans back in his chair and smooths down his overpriced tweeds, and strokes his hairless cat.  His voice is high pitched underneath his Black Night helmet] And Correia started all this just to get himself a f*(king Hugo! So whatever he gets is coming to him.

[Martin ] John, come now, you know that Correia turned down his nomination.

[Scalzi's cat hisses at Martin] That misses the point entirely.

[Jemisin]  The man is as bad as Vox Day!  He's a racist exercising his white privilege!

[Martin blinked, befuddled, and readjusts his hat]: Isn't Larry Portuguese?   And Vox is from an Indian tribe, isn't he?

[Jemisin] That's white enough!

[Martin ] Look, people, really--

[David "Furball" Gerrold perks up from his corner. He is dressed as a giant tribble, drooling, senile, clearly suffering from dementia]  VOOOOXXXX DDDAAAAAAYYYYYY

[Martin] David, stop that. John--

[Scalzi scroffs and dismisses it with a particularly floppish and limp wristed wave of his hand] No, David's right, Vox started all of this, and until the Sad Puppies are going to disavow him, we don't have to play nice. Vox has called for the destruction of la cosa nostra.

[Martin] They're crushing the mafia?

[Noah Ward] No, no, no, my good man. La cosa nostra, this thing of ours.  The Hugos, man! The Hugos!

[GRR Martin] Yes, Vox is evil, but I thought Larry started Sad Puppies. Vox started with them, then created an offshoot called Rabid Puppies. Brad Torgersen has been having problems with him ever since.

[Scalzi] Oh, pish-tosh. That hardly addresses the issue.

[Martin gapes, blinks, then turns to NKJ] And you, hold on a second. You're not content with having a personal vendetta and an online feud with Vox Day, but you want to deliberately taunt the Dark Lord of the Fisk!? Have you no sense of self-preservation?

[Scalzi frowns] I thought he was the International Lord of Hate

[Jemisin] Anything he says to me will prove that he's a racist!

[GRR Martin ] But he does line-by-line and point-by-point dissections--

[NKJ] So what?

[Martin] -- if he acknowledges you at all.

[Jemisin] Even better! Then I still win!

[Martin]  How does that even work?

[Jemisin] Simple, heads I win, tails he loses.

[Martin] But -- but--

[K. Tempest "Teacup" Bradford, wired with a trigger warning alarm, storms into the room.  She looks at Scalzi, Martin, and Gerrold, and dives behind Jemisin] I see men, I'm scared. I need a safe zone!

[Jemisin] Relax, K., these are OUR old white guys.

[Bradford] Oh, okay.

[Martin looks over at her, confused] You know, if you're so against straight white male authors, shouldn't you be with Sad Puppies? They have Sarah Hoyt and Cedar Sanderson, and--

[Bradford sneers] They're not the right kind of fans!

[Scalzi nods sagely] Quite.  Hear hear. I concur.

[Martin sighs]  But in your own public statement, if you're white, that's bad, but if you're female you can still write good stories. If you're male, that's bad, but if you're not white you can still write good stories. If you're straight, that's bad, but if you have some sort of complicated gender-relationship that requires you to invent a new set of vocabulary words and then get upset at people who don't immediately understand what the heck you're talking about, then you can still write good stories .... [Martin gestures frantically to the others]  WE'RE OLD STRAIGHT WHITE GUYS!

[Scalzi shook his head] Come now, let's not ignore Arthur.

[Martin pounds his head against the table] Guys, listen, about the tone we've been taking--

[Scalzi] Well, what do You think we should do, George? You're not offering any alternatives. You're just saying we should all be "reasonable."  I'm very reasonable. After all, I helped Ancilliary Justice win last year, didn't I?

[K. Tempest Teacup] What does reason have to do with Anything important?

[Martin] Well, I think we should approach this like authors. Calm, rational, well-crafted arguments--

[K. Tempest Teacup] With lots of talking points! About how they're all racist, sexist, and bigoted! I bet the people over at Making Light have some good memes."

[GRR Martin shudders] The Disemvowler? She and her husband started this whole mess by leaking who got the nominations!  No, we fight as authors, not as Internet meme-bots!

[Scalzi puffs on his pipe] Well, I do know all about fighting wars. I wrote this book, Old Man's War--

[K. Tempest Teacup] Old men!? Where! Hissssss.


[GRR Martin] Yes, but what have you done lately, John? Now you're known for writing Star Trek fanfic.

[Scalzi] But at least I don't kill off 92.45% of my characters!

[Martin takes a deep, calming breath]  Listen.  My point about tone still stands. Death threats? I mean, really--

[Arthur "Ladyboy" Chu dashes in, wearing a frilly pink dress]  I've got the bomb threats scripted!

[Martin facepalms] For f*(k's sake....

[Chu continues, waving his arms.  Some of the feathers from his pink boa go flying] We call in the bomb threat, just like my friends did during that GamerGate thing. And then, when everyone is out of the building, we'd be in the room with all the ballots, and then, we lock out all the Puppies.

[Scalzi] Just capital!

[Bradford] Brilliant!

[Martin] But guys--!

[Jemisin] That'll show Vox Day!

[Gerrold] VVVVOOOOOOXXXXX DDAAAAYYYY

[Scalzi] Exactly, David! What can Vox do?  Call out Cthulu on us?

[Martin, frantic] Guys!

[Scalzi] Meeting adjourned!

[Everyone leaves.  Martin is alone in the room, banging his head against the table.] I can't believe how stressful that was. Minions! I need to relax. Fetch me more characters to kill off!

~Fin~

EDIT

I hate to break it to you, but the rest of this post has been moved to a different location. Where, you might ask?

Here: To the Collected SAD PUPPIES BITE BACK, in Paperback and Kindle.