A History of Vatican Ninjas

When I bounced the concept of Vatican Ninjas off of a Catholic group, I think my response was "Well, who else would be better equipped for such a position? It's a long standing institution that deals with the supernatural on a routine basis. The Church would feel obligated to fight back Satan's forces, of course."

Ahem.... yes, my argument was "With Great Power, comes great responsibility."

Though my first thought is really: Who else is gonna do it?

Of course, the Vatican has its own army. It's not a very big one, granted, but if anyone is going to be able to give shooters training to fight the abyss, it's going to be a few thousand priests. There will be battle meditative prayers, that can hide them from the enhanced senses of vampires. Basically, if a vampire has the senses of a Sith lord, going through this silent, prayerful meditation would make them invisible. In fact, if it's a saint versus a vampire, a vampire would have to directly lock eyes on them -- assuming, of course, the saint doesn't have the power to cloud vampire's minds...

Sadly, I now have a Simon Templar / The Shadow crossover in my head. But that's another story.

The Vatican Ninjas would probably start to become a serious institution somewhere around the Protestant Revolt of the 1500s. It's when Europe started to really go dark. How dark? Look up the Anabaptists sometime: these guys were so nasty, Lutherans and Catholics stopped fighting each other, looked at the Anabaptists, and promptly jobs forces to wipe them off the face of the Earth.

The crucifix fell out of fashion in Protestant areas, and traditional Vampire lore stress a crucifix, not a cross, being a problem for a vampire -- otherwise lowercase t in block lettering will do it. This would require forces that are specialized in battling creatures that are stronger, faster, and nigh indestructible.

After two hundred years. and the "Enlightenment" hit, superstition increased. Ouja boards became common. Isaac Newton dabbled in the occult, and had volumes of horoscopes that he forecast. The mystical age of intellectual brightness really had a five to one ratio of occultist crap emerge.

Of course, in a world where vampires exist, the obvious reason for it is simple: the Catholic church used to have local teams to deal with Supernatural crap. When the Church left, so did said teams. With the suppression teams being removed, demonic activity spiked. Occult belief was a "rational" response ... at least to people who abandoned faith for whatever nonsense they came up with along the way.

So, going to clean up the mess? That's right. The only organized game in town, who covers ... well, the planet. They'd probably be called something like "tegumento daemonium interfectores," which is what I get when I load "covert demon killers" into Google translate, so I expect this to be hysterically inaccurate.

The load out for the ninjas would, over time, have to evolve, but it would still be a wide ranging arsenal. Fifty-caliber sniper rifles would be mandatory for removing the heads off of vampires at a distance. There would be silver ammunition components (holly points with silver balls instead of stems-- silver is too hard, and doesn't have the right spiral of regular bullets). They could carry crosses, and holy water, and squirt guns. Their traps would include bouncing Bettys filled with holy water. Incendiary grenades and high explosives would have to be mandatory, I'd figure.

And, even though I have them dealing with a lot of vampires, they will, of course, be trained to deal with other supernatural threats. I figure that demons, elves and werewolves would be in the top five threats in their inventory.

The Ninjas will of course, have a mandatory retirement age of 65. Why 65? Because that's the retirement age for priests. Why not sooner? Because the ones who survive the field long enough become trainers ... if they can be dragged out of the field. Outside of someone who is a careerist, name me one average beat cop or soldier who wants to be transferred too far away from the street / the action / their men.

But as noted, they have to survive the job long enough.

See who lives and who dies in Good to the Last Drop.

Illegitimi non carborundum

Top Ten Radio Shows of The Catholic Geek

My metrics are back on Blog Talk Radio. I can finally say what was the most listened to podcasts of all time! Yay!

Since the #900 blog just came up, I figure it's time to look back over my 47 episodes (yes, I've taken one vacation too many) and find out what the top episodes are.

My highest rated show is .... John C. Wright on Somewhither. Are we at all remotely surprised?

Second highest? Tom Knighton on SP4.

Third? Synods and Starships with Matthew Bowman doing the show.

Fourth -- shocker -- the first appearance of Mr. and Mrs Wright.

Followed shortly thereafter by .... John C. Wright on Iron Chamber of Memory

Maybe I should just give them the radio show. Hmm....

Next up is Marina Fontaine's appearance, talking about her book Chasing Freedom.  Followed by Kia Heavey's Animal Farm with Cats.

Number eight is ... a show that never was. My guest didn't come on, and I flew solo the whole way. 206 listeners.

Number 9 is ... my Superbowl edition, where I also monologued. Huh. Maybe I should do that more often.  186 hits.

Number 10? Honor at Stake and Sad Puppies Bite Back.  Yeah. I don't get it. My bottom three from the top ten list is just me showing up to the show and talking. Hell, this one was all about reading from my work. I think I prerecorded this one. This is the lowest listener count at 182 listeners.

Not bad for someone who's only been on a whole year, huh?

Hitler Finds Out About the Dragon Awards

Brought to you by The Catholic Geeks general and Novel Ninja Matthew Bowman.

I would have spread the joy of that link around on the Catholic Geeks blog, but WordPress doesn't want me to embed videos anywhere. Damnit.

#BlackFriday shopping list -- here we go again

Well, at least this year, Christmas decorations went on sale in September...

Yes, last year, they were in August.

Yes.  August!

ARRGGHH.

Anyway, black Friday is coming, and we must be prepared. This is yet another list to make your shopping lives easier -- for Black Friday, or for the upcoming Cyber Monday. I've reviewed some of these books (links attached), and others are new even to me, but have come recommended to me. You might want to try some of these items below.

In short: give the gift of books to people you care about. They're cheaper than iPods. Heh.

As with last year, I will start with suggesting my own novels. Not even all of my own novels, just some of them. The newest ones, for starters.

To start with, there's Honor At Stake.  Because everyone loves this novel. Is it because it's romance? It is because it's vampires? Urban Fantasy? A little YA-ish? A little Christian-fic?

I have no idea.

But if you're new here, it's about a boy meeting a girl.  One of them is a homicidal monster. The other's just a vampire. It has Vatican Ninjas, and holy water burning vampires, and sunlight killing unholy monsters AND NONE OF THE VAMPIRES SPARKLE, DAMNIT.

Ahem. Anyway.

People like it. If you look at the Amazon reviews, everyone likes it. Everyone. Even people I don't know like it. I'm not sure why, but there you go.

Another newcomer on the scene are the anthologies.

Pius Origins blows up stuff.

Pius Holidays blows up even more stuff with Christmas lights and the accompanying music.

And Pius Tales gives you all that and more.

Yes, Pius Tales is actually out now.

Surprise.

What can I say? It's been a LOOOOONG week.

If you're new here, there are the usual suspects.

A Pius Man: A Holy Thriller -- It's surprisingly well reviewed, no one hates it (yet, give me time), where I take the war to Dan Brown, and every other nimrod who thinks they can write bad history in a thriller and get away with it.

A Pius Legacy: A Political Thriller -- The villains who survived A Pius Man have decided that some payback is involved.  Step one? Kidnap the Pope. Then the fun really starts.  Surprisingly, this one had better reviews than the first.... also fewer. Anyway, please buy the book already. Thank you.

A Pius Stand: A Global Thriller: The end of the trilogy. Saving the Pope has consequences.  And army. A war. And no quarter given. It's time to finish the fight.

And, while I"m doing this.....

Codename: Winterborn .... the "other" novel, also strangely well reviewed. Genre: character-driven scifi espionage. While on a mission to the Islamic Republic of France, Lt. Kevin Anderson's team is betrayed by the politicians who sent them. As the only survivor, Anderson must stop the senators involved before the next team is slaughtered on the altar of political greed. He's certain he won't survive, but he will make this sacrifice, for his Codename is Winterborn. I recommend this for all fans of Baen novels -- like John Ringo, David Weber, and even your straight up thriller writers, like Vince Flynn, Brad Thor, et al.

On with everyone else.

Several of the following books you may have seen before. Trust me, there's a reason they made one of my top reading lists.

Murder in The Vatican: The Church Mysteries of Sherlock Holmes -- if you've been reading my blog for a long time, you know that I loved this one, and I can't possibly recommend it enough.... and then there's The Watson Chronicles, which is even better.  The only books I will recommend over my own, and I'm told my books are pretty awesome, so, yeah...

The Book of Helen -- dang, this was a kickass little novel.  The West Wing meets the Trojan war, this novel goes beyond the "they all lived strangely ever after" of Helen of Troy, and follows the rest of her life after she came home from Troy.  Yes, Helen did have an "after Troy."  You know the mythology, and now, this is the rest of the story.

Ordinance 93:  I've reviewed this book, I've interviewed this author, and I somehow still haven't mentioned her on the blog yet. Ordinance 93 is a thriller that sort-of centers around abortion. It's not really a pro-life book, despite how I referred to it in the Examiner posts.  It's a very long story, but if you're interest, check out the review. It would take too long otherwise.

Infinite Space, Infinite God II .... a Catholic scifi-anthology, so, yeah...fun.

Greater Treasures -- Imagine the Maltese Falcon with dragons. Nuff said.

Stealing Jenny, by Ellen Gable: After 5 miscarriages, Jenny is about to have a pregnancy come to full term... until a psychotic woman kidnaps her and chains her in her basement with the intention of taking the child for her own. I liked this one.

Amy Lynn: You can read my review right here.

Night Machines by Kia Heavey .... this one was interesting.  Almost Doctor Who-ish by way of Rod Serling.

And, of course, there is an endless list of books I can recommend, which happen to be a different tab at the top of the page -- includes Flynn, Ringo, Weber, Thor, etc, etc.


Tears of Paradox, by Daniella Bova.

In the not so distant future, Michelle hides in the shadowy cornfields of rural Pennsylvania, waiting for her unborn child, targeted by the untouchables who have assumed absolute power . Michelle’s husband, Jason, remains in their hometown, struggling against overwhelming odds to keep his wife and child from being found.
The blue-collar Catholic couple have already endured numerous losses, including that of a baby son, born under mysterious circumstances. This pair of childhood sweethearts and their family and friends have always stuck together, but the storms of transformation turn everything upside down. Friendships disintegrate, fathers and sons become enemies, and trust is a thing of the past. The ways of traditional America have gradually become what those in power term evil. What used to be evil is now the law, strictly enforced by the bureaucracy, and for ordinary people there is no middle ground; you either play or pay.
Deviation from government policy will land you in jail… or worse. Media figures who aren’t part of the power structure begin slowly disappearing, and Jason must depend solely on God to help him save his wife and baby. 

My review here.

And then there are the Jack July novels I reviewed.  Amy Lynn and Amy Lynn: Golden Angel.  Just buy them. Read them. The first one could be dark YA.  The second ... yeah, for adults only. One's a solid novel, the second one is a solid thriller. Just go with me on this one, okay?

Now, as far as books I haven't looked at yet.... [Below the break.]

TONIGHT on The Catholic Geek: Potluck Podcast with the Novel Ninja

The Catholic Geek: Potluck Podcast



Again, since I'm not doing the show this Sunday, Novel Ninja and CG owner Matthew Bowman is taking over! Co-starring and CG author Lori Janeski.  Matthew and Lori will be talking about superheroes, Catholic news, TV shows, Star Wars, ISIS and the refugee crisis, and more. Plus, special guest: Strawpope Frank! Yes, Frank's back in the news, even though it's getting ever more easy to tell the difference between him and Pope Francis.

All that and more, plus your calls!

TONIGHT ON THE CATHOLIC GEEK: I won't be there

Yup. That's right.  After 22 Episodes, I am going to take this Sunday off.

After last week's schedule SNAFU that left me on the air by myself for the better part of the first hour, and the fact that I have no guest this Sunday?  

Yeah, I think it's best that I take off this round.

However, we've got a treat tonight, we've got the Novel Ninja, Matthew Bowman, showing up as the guest host for the evening.

You may know Matt Bowman from his personal website. You may even know him from his job as an editor.  You might, at the end of the day, know him from an entry of Sad Puppies Bite Back.

Tonight, he has the head of the local Royal Manticorian Navy, and a priest to discuss the synod, hence the title: Synods and Starships

The Catholic Geek: Synods and Starships 11/08 by We Built That Network | Culture Podcasts

Making Vampires For the Real World (Honor at Stake)

I've always had a problem with vampire fiction in which the vampires were so secret, nobody knew they existed.  Nobody.  At all.

Seriously, when you're around for hundreds of years, eventually somebody is going to start talking.

Which is why when I started writing Marco and Amanda, their first step was to go to the local Catholic church and start asking questions -- if only so their inquiry can be kicked up the chain of command.  The next step would have been to go to the nearest synagogue. Why? Because where else are you going to go aside from the organizations that have been around for a few thousand years?

And from the church, we will get one very simple concept: Vatican ninjas,

Yes, it feels as though I've promised Vatican ninjas for a while now.  Well, you're gonna get them.

After a while, I started working out the people who should have, reasonably, come across vampires for the last hundred years or so -- and survived the encounter. Soldiers were at the top of that list. Since there are a lot of soldiers who went from the military into the police department, there would be cops all over the country who would at least be concerned about the monsters under the bed.

Yes, I know, if I'm not careful, I'm going to end up recreating the world of Monster Hunter International.

Now, is every  last vampire going to be the loaner sulking out in the middle of nowhere?  Well, that would be hard, considering that Honor At Stake is in New York City. For the record, no, "the city" is not Manhattan.  I live in Queens, so I'm one of those people who remember that New York City has five boroughs.  Yes, I know that New Yorkers refer to Manhattan as "the city," but if a large quantity of vampires lived in Manhattan, it would be way too easy for the neighbors to realize that the creepy guy next store is not right.

.... Okay, for the most part, there are a lot of neighborhoods where you can get away with that because every other person on the block is some variety of "not right," because, well, welcome to New York.  The major philosophy of the city is "cerchez le buck" and "leave me alone, and I won't push you in front of a train, thanks." But you can't stuff all the vampires into one neighborhood.**

That's why there will be a vampire who claims to be a Roman Centurion from the Empire and he owns Little Italy! At which point, someone will smack him down and tell him that, 1) being a Sergeant in Mussolini's army doesn't count, and 2) if he doesn't sit down and shut up, he'll be driven out of "Little Italy" (which, right now, is about one square block in lower Manhattan) and sentenced to his great grandson's home in Howard Beach, enjoy it when it floods.

Yes, welcome to New York.

I created a NYC-VA President Jennifer Bosley off of
Billie Piper from Doctor Who.

And yes, there will be a governing body of vampires. The New York City Vampire Association will have monthly meetings in the far east corner of Queens, in the local VFW hall. But that's for book two.  It's also for vampires of status -- you know, the vampires that invested in the ground floor of Ma Bell (AT&T), IBM and Apple.

There will be vampire bars. There will be a nice little underground network that will guarantee fresh blood, caught that evening. There will be plenty of them that want to be 9-5 vampires (AM, of course), go home, crawl into a room with blackout curtains, and not want to get up until the next morning.

There will also be a history of vampires going back to the 18th century.  Why only that far back? Because I haven't needed a reason to go back farther yet. There will be vampires on both sides of World War II -- because Gulags and Concentration camps are natural places to make certain that the victims of vampires don't end up coming back for any reason (Let's just say that there was one concentration camp where it was replaced with a row of trees. No one really knows what happened to it. I have a nicel little supposition on that one.)

Now, why would vampires be a secret?  Well, that part is simple, and I'll give you an example. I live in New York. Announce that vampires exist. Prove it to one and all.  Watch every goth become a target of people with recently purchased bow and arrow sets, or Molotov cocktails, or try to utilize weaponry they've seen in any random vampire film.

That's why even the most demonic vampire is going to keep a low profile. Because even vampires understand that, if Satan appears in a puff of smoke in front of a live studio audience, people suddenly become very, very religious.  And you'd have every single civilian on the planet carrying enough crosses and rosaries to equip everyone in the Vatican, and still have enough left over to hand out to the tourists.

Short version: mass panic is good for no one.

BUY HONOR AT STAKE HERE

** Yes, I just said that New Yorkers are comprised mostly of capitalist libertarians, but it's true. Trust me, if the totalitarian schmucks who get 90% of the national air time were representative of the city, the city would look much more like Detroit, or Baltimore.

Writing a Romance Novel (Honor At Stake)

I've obviously done romance before, but mostly as a subplot in the books I've written.

With Codename: Winterborn, for example, there were two love plots going on.  One was between Kevin Anderson and his wife.  The other was with hunter and prey, and even then, it was a little odd. It was very, very ... Laura, really.**  Though the main plot is heavy on the action.

[**Laura, a murder mystery in which a detective falls in love with the victim through her portrait. In the case of Codename: Winterborn, it was via files and seeing him in action]

With Codename: Winterborn, however, this took months, the average romance novel takes, what, days? A week or two? Then jumping into bed like sex-starved hyenas during mating season?  I think the longest was a Kenyon novel called Fantasy Lover where holding off on sex was a massive plot point.

The closest to falling in love in a matter of days was Scott Murphy and Manana Shushurin in A Pius Man, and the rest of the Pius Trilogy (books two and three take place over the course of a week or so).

But now, Honor At Stake ...

I want a damn love story. Something that looks real.  Something that feels real.  Something that takes time to develop.

Reason #3 why Honor At Stake takes place over the course of 9 months.

How do I do that?

The casual visitor to this blog says: "Well, Declan, you've been in love before, right? Use your real love life."

I say: "Have you read my blogs about my love life? It looks like a train wreck."

Yeah.  Fun fact, any relationship of mine that survived in real life for any length of time was unreal in so many ways, I can't even describe it without people calling me a liar.  Hell, I don't even believe my own love life.

Besides, I suspect that a love story that is a blow by blow of a real relationship would probably bore the crap out of most people.

However, I am a follower of one of the better romances on television: Castle.

Yes, Castle.  It has character development, a relationship that grows out from mutual attraction, to partnership, to friendship, and then to love. Heck, I've got one review that noted that's how it should work, but let's face it, when else do you see that in the romance genre?   The phrase "Let's just be friends" is pretty much the end of any romantic relationship -- in romance, and in my own experience.

And, along the way, basically everyone else sees this relationship except these two.

In Honor At Stake, with Marco Catalano and Amanda Colt, oy, these two have got relationships baggage that look like Samsonite, or maybe a Haliburton.  Emotional issues? Well, one's a vampire, the other is a killer, what do you think?

There is also, of course, the belief that some people have that they are unloveable -- "Seriously, what creature could possibly love a creature like me? Only some broken psycho would express any interest -- only the psychos have expressed an interest. And why would any "normal" person give me the time of day?"  You know, like they kinda do on Arrow.

Not that I know anything about that, of course.

So you have two creatures of the night -- would would rather be feared rather than loved, and one who eats people.

Now, I'm not going to say that this is the most unlikely duo I've ever created.  Manana and Scott were pretty much the most opposite I could get while making them still human.  As for the vampire ... well, their personalities are compatible on multiple levels.

I like little things. Little details.  Little innocent things that can be taken the right way if you look at them really hard, but don't because neither one thinks the other wants to go there. Little looks and touches, and smells and "if she hugs me any closer she's going to realize I'm having a not-so-innocent reaction," and "stay calm, or the increased heartbeat will give the game away."

You know, things like that.  I'm told I do that well.

And there are ninjas, but they'll be tomorrow.

Right now, pre-order the book.

Photos of the Catholic Writer's Guild Conference, Live!

Yeah, I had some fun.

Especially when you got to Karina Fabian and her laser cows.  Yes. That happened. Take a look, you'll see how my brain works. Or doesn't.

The following are random things I've found at this conference over the course of three days. Some are shiny. Some are people. Some are shiny people.

Enjoy.

Cutesy stuff

My Radio Career has Begun! Really, this time

Check Out Culture Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with We Built That Network on BlogTalkRadio

So, this happened.

Yes, I seem to say that a lot.

Welcome to the premiere episode of The Catholic Geek, starring the Novel Ninja, and Lori Janeski. With a host who was relatively irrelevant, except that he just kept talking for the first fifteen minutes in the hope that he could monologue; some idiot named Declan Finn.

Yes, I'm hosting a radio show. Fun fun fun.

Blog talk radio is relatively easy to work with, and nothing went kablooey.... yes, it's a word, I looked it up.

Anyway. I think we did well. We counted nine comic book shows, went over the attacks on Joss Whedon, Sad Puppies, Daredevil, Pope Francis, Sens8, and anything else we thought we could jam into the show.

Over all, ka'pla. Or kreplach... No, I didn't pass Klingonese. :)

And next week, I do it again. 

My new Radio Show: The Catholic Geek

Yup. No joke this time. I'm not even a guest star. This is happening.  I will have my own radio show, The Catholic Geek, Starting this Sunday, June 7th, from 7pm-9pm, EST.

The fact that the radio show happens to share the exact same name to the blog that I'm now contributing to?  Yeah, not even a little bit of a coincidence.

The fact that my first two guests are the founders of said website?  Slightly more of a coincidence.

One of the two guests is the Novel Ninja, Matthew Bowman, who I briefly "SWATted" during the latter end of the Sad Puppies war.

As you can tell from the title of the show, I'm going to be covering topics that are either nerd or Catholic related.  This of course means that I will never, ever cover politics .... And if you believe that one, I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.

Some of this schedule is a work in progress, but I will be updating these as we go along.

June 7^th, Matt Bowman and Lori Janeski -- The Year of the Geek

June 14, An E3 preview with Ian Crom

Marina Fontaine on Joss Whedon andAvengers

June 21 

E3 Wrap-up

His Tankness himself, Tom Knighton, on Sad Puppies

June 28

I will have co-host Karina Fabian, and a panel on Infinite Space, Infinite God

July 5^th

Steph Souders

Catholic images and themes in Babylon 5, the fiction of C.S. Lewis, and a retrospective on A Canticle for Leibowitz.

July 12^th

Vanessa Landry, a report on LibertyCon.

July 19^th

Ava Armstrong -- military technology.

The Anti-Puppies (Sad Puppies Bite Back VI)

Been a while since I used him

So ... more puppies.

See, I told you that they'd be back.  I was half afraid I'd never do another one as soon as I said "To be continued."

If you're new here....

Sad Puppies I
Sad Puppies II
Sad Puppies III
Sad Puppies IV

Sad Puppies V

What brought this one about?  Someone mentioned the other day that, well, NK Jemisin wanted to go to war against Larry Correia, because ... why not?  

My reaction was, "Wait, she wants to pick a fight with the lord of the fisk? Really?  Oh, this is just too good to pass up." 

And, well, everyone with me now, "It Just Spiraled."

Of course, I couldn't have done this one alone. I got input from The Novel Ninja (lots and LOTS of input ... and memes), the original inspiration came from His Tankness, and Margot also stayed up pasted her bed time to play with this.

For the record, a bit of legal CYA. For those of you who are named in this sketch: THIS IS A PARODY.  If you come to my blog, then whine, moan and complain that "Oh, I didn't do this or that" or some other damn thing, I'm not reporting the news, I'M MAKING FUN OF YOU.  If you comment that you're offended, I will merely make fun of you even MORE, because you not only lack a sense of humor, you can't even tell when something's supposed to be a joke. 

Thank you.  Now that that's over and done with, everyone with me now: UNLEASH THE PUPPIES

Sad Puppies Bite Back, V: a Puppy Wins the Hugo

UPDATE:  It's now a series. Click the Tab above for new content.

If you're tired of Sad Puppies, I have a new article up at The Catholic Geeks, where I discuss the phenomenon of The GrimDark.

Otherwise....

Sad Puppies I
Sad Puppies II
Sad Puppies III
Sad Puppies IV


When it was suggested that I be selected for a Hugo for Sad Puppies Bite Back I-IV, I was honored.

Which made me realize that it's my turn to be SWATted.

Declan "the Pius One"Finn, Dark Lord of the Fisk.  New York City Undercover Division of Sad Puppies, 2016

[The SWAT team comes up to the Kelly green door. The leader counts down on fingers. 3. 2. 1--]

[The door swings open of its own accord. The SWAT guys look at each other, then swarm inside. They are surrounded by stacks of books that head up to the ceiling, looking like hoarders, only with hardcover novels of Larry Correia, Tom Clancy, and Neil Stephenson. One bumps a pile with a hip, consequently burying the entire SWAT team alive in hardcovers.]

[Enter Declan Finn, Undercover Sad Puppy Operative. Finn pokes his head out on the enclosed porch] Oh, come on! You know how long it took me to organize my "to read" pile?  I'll never keep track now.

[DF growls and brings out his keychain of death -- which has two knives a tactical baton, assorted weapons, and three keys -- and starts picking his nails with the keyblade]   I hope these guys are still alive. I don't feel like mummifying corpses this weekend. I have cats to water board and Tor bloggers to fisk.

[Finn blinks, and picks up a Brad Torgersen novel from the top of the book pile] Oh, hey, I've been looking for that one.

DAY 2

[New SWAT team pulls up to the house. They approach cautiously, ever since the last team was reported missing]

[SWAT Sergeant] Do you hear Irish music?

[SWAT #1] Yes...why are you dancing?

[SWAT 2] It's...compelling...me to dance....Irish!

[SWAT Sergeant] By all that is holy, not Riverdance!

[DF emerges from a pile of books] You idiots again? Gah

[DF adjusts speakers.  SWAT team Irish step dances down the street, never to be seen again.  DF sighs, moves to mailbox, muttering] I wonder if John C. Wright will loan me some of his Vatican Ninjas. It's not like he gets SWATted like this. He's a living brain in a jar, what are they going to slap the handcuffs on?

[DF opens mailbox.  Opens top letter] I'm nominated for a what?

[Finn stalks upstairs, past the mountains of books, and starts writing an acceptance speech for a Hugo Award.]

Ahem.

I would like to thank the people of WorldCon for giving me a Hugo. I like to think that my selection has confirmed the complete uselessness of this award, especially since I wouldn't trust most WorldCon members to sit the right way on a pay toilet.

It's nice to see that the Hugos' long stretches of having no taste whatsoever have finally been ended. Granted, they had to be ended by people who actually have a sense of humor, unlike the mummified walking dead who have been in charge thus far. 

After I leave this lovely banquet, I will take this Hugo, drive to the nearest gas station, and hopefully trade it in for something that's actually worthwhile. 

Right now, I would like to propose a toast: to the caterers who prepared tonight's food, and to the pigeons who crapped over David Gerrold's car.

I would thank J. Michael Straczynski for inspiring me into a life of writing, but he's not here tonight. He's over in Hollywood, making his work into films and TV shows, while I have yet to be invited to write a porn adaptation of my own work. And neither have you, Mr. Scalzi.

I would also like to thank John Scalzi and David Gerrold for the death threats that your minions have bombarded me with.  I'm sure I would have been physically assaulted by now, if said minions were brave enough to leave their parents' basements. As it is, I've already had two SWATting attempts made on me. So, thanks for that.

I would like to thank Arthur Chu for all of the popcorn moments, as he continues to tweet from federal prison for conspiracy to blow up the GamerGate meeting in DC in 2015.  I have sent photos of his ladyboy fascination to his fellow inmates. I hope he enjoys the results.


I would like to thank the Sad Puppies, who should be happy today. Larry Correia started it to make a point, Brad Torgersen carried the torch, and Vox Day drove all of you even more insane than you were when we started, because David Gerrold was already going senile, but this proved it.

Good night, everybody. And remember: UNLEASH THE PUPPIES!

EDIT

I hate to break it to you, but the rest of this post has been moved to a different location. Where, you might ask?

Here: To the Collected SAD PUPPIES BITE BACK, in Paperback and Kindle.

CatholicFiction(.net), and "Dereliction of Duty"

Sometimes, I love my fellow Catholics.

And sometimes, they are brain-dead stupid.

If you look at this article from CatholicFiction.net, you'll see this great example of brain death.

Science fiction has also been derelict in its duty. Who does science fiction serve? Sci-fi is a significant buttress propping up the established church of Scientism. Sci-fi flatters both rightist and leftist elites: square-jarred heroes battle alien savages along the outer space frontier while proclaiming anti-religious and anti-natalist platitudes. As an avid reader of the genre, I have come up with a list of the major shortcomings of the genre.

While I can think of some particular examples of what this nimrod (a creature from the black lagoon named Nito Gnoci), this is just ... "Avid reader?" Really?

Funny, as an avid reader myself, Nito, you're an idiot.

If you've followed the guest posts I've written for Right Fans, or read my reviews of Karina Fabian's work, you'll probably note that this very concept is already starting to get under my skin.  But, sure, there are problems within science fiction -- science fiction fans know that "sci-fi" started as a derogatory term -- so let's play this out some, shall we?

If you compare and contract the article excerpts here with the original article, you'll note that I've cleaned up the lousy formatting.

1) Aliens

Aliens: Sci-fi stories often involve contact with numerous alien civilizations.In 1950 Enrico Fermi, in conversation with his colleagues at the Los Alamos National Laboratory, famously asked “Where is everybody?” (Meaning: If alien civilizations exist why haven’t we heard from them?) I don’t think the question has received a satisfactory answer. It is unlikely other technologically advanced civilizations exist within our galaxy. If they existed they would have already explored the galaxy, a process which takes only some hundreds of thousands of years, which is a mere moment in geologic time.

Ummm ... doesn't this presume that the aliens are more advanced that us?  This is a presumption that Rod Serling never made.  In fact, there are three distinct episodes that immediately come to mind (Third Planet from the Sun being one of them, I forget the titles of the other two).

Also, if there are other life forms out in this galaxy, doesn't that mean that they could be as advanced as we are, or maybe even less so?

This argument basically reads: If there are aliens, therefore they must be more advanced, therefore they don't exist because otherwise we would have heard of them by now?  What idiot thinks like that?

Not to mention that this presumes that any technological advancement is leaps and bounds ahead of us.  In fact, Nito assumes that aliens would advance at ONE EXACT RATE OF SPEED.  Yikes. Nito the nimrod presumes so, so much.

I'm not saying that there are aliens, but there's a lot of space out there. As Douglas Adams noted, space is big. Really big. The idea that we're the only ones in the galaxy is kinda presumptuous, don't you think? Also, the author limits himself to this Galaxy.  There are more galaxies than just ours out there.

2) Bad predictions

Sci-fi often features time travel or routine intergalactic travel. Instead of dubious scenarios that involve debating with Socrates or zooming to the Andromeda Galaxy for the weekend, sci-fi should focus on less speculative but still astonishing advances in medical, communication, and computer technology. Sci-fi readies us for a future that will never come, and too often assumes the future will mirror the past, an assumption both unrealistic and unimaginative. After all, what is the starship Enterprise but a British or American colonial gunboat?

Um, excuse me.  When 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea was written, it was science fiction, and now we have nuclear submarines. Is that not predictive enough?

But Robert Heinlein created mechanical suits of armor for soldiers to fight in, and our modern military is designing it.  Captain Kirk had the first flip phone. Doctor Crusher had the first tablet, and Captain Picard read off the first e-reader. J. Michael Straczynski's Babylon 5 developed a star fighter called Starfuries -- which NASA wants to use a model to design space construction craft. The science fiction show had the most functional design.

Oh, wait, medical technology? You mean the people who've been designing a medical tri-corder from Star Trek and the people who've made an actual Doctor Who sonic screwdriver aren't enough for these people? Are we kidding?

Oh, and these things will never come? Maybe not in our lifetime, some of them, but we've already got scientists who are coming up with variations on warp drive.  Presuming that Einsteinian physics will always be physics is like saying that Newtonian physics is the end all and be all of physics. Hint: it's not.  Considering what quantum physics might end up giving us, we might end up with better technology than warp drive.

Hell, we've already got the early stages of a transporter, dang it. Meaning that Nito the Nimrod not only doesn't know science fiction, HE DOESN'T KNOW SCIENCE!!!!

Catholic Conspiracies II: Revenge of the Vatican Ninjas.

Last week, I mentioned that the vast, massive conspiracy theories about the Catholic Church amuse me. I discussed some specific issues and theories, but I find them all funny, almost no matter the details. Why?
Dear God in Heaven, where do I start?

The theories are so ludicrous, I hardly know where to begin.

SECRET SOCIETIES

One running theme of most of the conspiracy theories is that there is a “conspiracy of silence” running around within the Vatican, the hierarchy, an order, pick one or all. This pops up in almost any fiction where a Catholic priest appears.

Given the news of the last decade, anyone should see an immediate problem. Not only does the Church of Rome write everything down, they never throw anything out. This is a bureaucracy that has held onto the divorce petition from Henry VIII of England, written in the early 16th century.  We've held onto it for nearly five hundred years, and we haven't thrown it out yet.

If there were a conspiracy in the church, there will likely be paperwork to document it, and they'd hold onto it with their dying breath. Bad habit for a conspiracy.

But, the way I look at it, the Vatican is essentially the world's biggest marble office building, complete with Dilberts and the occasional pointy-haired boss … or pointy-hatted boss.

In the current day and age, any bureaucracy can keep a secret for a few years. But two thousand? Really?