Sad Puppies Bite Back IX: SWATting The Wrong Puppy

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So, I had a conversation with Katie Paulk, the Leader of Sad Puppies 4 in relation so various and sundry topics. While we had this conversation, she corrected a few things about how I SWATted her last time, in episode III.

When I joked that she may have to be SWATted again, she laughed and said sure.

The short version?  This is not the puppy you want to screw with.

Also, I asked Margot St. Aubin if she was interested in joining in. She said sure, why not?

KATE "THE IMPALER" PAULK

ROUND TWO

[SWAT Captain arrives at the scene of the SWAT call.  There are no impaling stakes, just a house. He has the SWAT van pull up to the house.  He comes out in his dress uniform, the rest of the SWAT team piles out in full armor. The SWAT leader sighs]  A field of stakes, huh?  Give me a break.

[SWAT leader goes up to door. Knocks. It opens to The Impaler, Kate Paulk. She is of sturdy build, round face, brunette.  She smiled, and said with a light Australian accent] Hello, can I help you?

[SWAT leader] Ma'am, my men were here the other day, telling me about a field of impaling stakes, dried with blood?

[KP laughs] Oh, those. They were nothing. I got them used off of ebay -- hence the blood. I returned them. I mean, who sharpens them?  Ideally stakes aren't sharp. They're well-rounded and greased / oiled to make the experience last longer.

[SWAT leader nods slowly, and says with forced casualness] Oh, really?

[KP nods pleasantly]  The main reason I don't impale people is that it's so hard to get the blood and stuff out of the carpet, you know?

[SWAT leader looks over her shoulder] To address the phone call we got, there is no one around here waving a weapon around?

[KP laughs] Not for days. My husband isn't here right now, and sword sparring is on Fridays. And, damn it, the Evil Lord of Evil keeps luring my minions away, so I'm left with the cats. Okay, they're dangerous enough, but still, stupid Vox...

[SWAT leader] So, the short version is that you don't have any weapons around here aside from swords?

[KP smiles] Didn't say that.

[KP points to a button inside the doorframe.  It is a great big threatening button that must never ever ever be pushed -- it says that on the label underneath the button] In case of emergencies.  It's amazing what you can do when you used to be a software tester.

[SWAT leader] So, not for us, then?

[KP blinks.  Her speech is a little slurred now, almost like she's drunk] Nope. Not at all.

[SWAT leader]  Are you okay?

[KP] I'm narco...leptic. This happens.

[SWAT leader] Maybe we should

[KP falls forward against the inside of the doorframe, squashing big red threatening button]

[SWAT leader] Oh darn.

[Hilarity ensues. As do screaming. Running. Explosions. And flying Impaling stakes.]

EDIT

I hate to break it to you, but the rest of this post has been moved to a different location. Where, you might ask?

Here: To the Collected SAD PUPPIES BITE BACK, in Paperback and Kindle.