Showing posts with label star trek. Show all posts
Showing posts with label star trek. Show all posts

Monday, October 30, 2017

Review of Discovery: one STD that isn't catching

Yes, this is our ship: The USS Pizza Cutter
The really short version of this review is simple: the more I look at Star Trek Discovery, the more I like The Orville.

Star Trek Discovery set the bar so low, Inhumans looked awesome in comparison, even though the pilot was weak.

Let's go into why STD isn't catching.

You have to first accept that this is before the era of Captain Kirk ... yet the ship has better technology, including holographic interfaces. And someone took the criticism of lens flares seriously: this ship is so damn dark, how does anyone see anything.  The special effects are gorgeous. They are beautiful. You can see every penny of their $10 million an episode on the screen in high-res CGI.

Pity that not a single penny went into the acting or writing.

In the beginning of the episode, we meet Captain Michelle Yeoh--who I think just showed up and read lines-- and "Michael," a woman Starfleet officer who was orphaned by a Klingon attack on a space outpost, then adopted by Spock's father, Sarek. Michael appears to be our main character, and being raised on Vulcan, she has obviously been taught to purge most of her her emotions ... leaving only "smug" or "insane" as her only remaining default positions.

Yeoh and Michael are called out to repair a probe. They get some odd sensor readings, and decide, "You know, our sensors can't read a thing. Something's there, and it may have screwed with our probe. Instead of calling in backup, let's send in a person in a space suit." They send Michael ... a Xenoanthropologist. Because anthropologists just do that, don't they? Once Michael is inside a deadly radioactive field and has eyes on the cloaked space station, she decides, "I have to go over there and poke it, lingering in this deadly radioactivity." Because that's exactly how radioactivity works... and that's how anthropology works -- I see something new, therefore, I must poke it.

Michael lands on the space station, encounters a Klingon, and promptly kills him.  There is no "I come in peace." There is no warning. She pretty much hits her jet pack, and runs him through on his own sword.

When Michael returns, she leaves med bay to storm the bridge, demanding that it's the Klingons, therefore we must attack them now. Because that's how first contact protocols work (In this timeline, no one has talked to a Klingon in 100 years. Vulcans just shoot first, and never ask questions. Yes, really.)

In order to get the Klingons to decloak, Michael says "Target them!!!"  Upon further study, the massive space station is really ... a glorified tomb, covered in coffins.  And she had them target it. Because all anthropologists want to blow up culture.

I'm on the side of the Klingons. Especially as Michael drops "smug" and goes to "hysterical" with a side of "Pathological hatred of Klingons to the point of dementia."

There was just so much stupid here. Michael is the usual "I'm the main character, therefore I'm always right" syndrome that you need tons of charisma to pull off without being a prick (Patrick Jayne from The Mentalist pulled it off. House didn't). But she doesn't have it. Michael has no emotion .... except for smug. Smug is the default position. And she never stops talking. She blathers on endlessly whether we want her to or not. And it may have been less painful if the dialogue didn't all sound like a stilted first draft of Flash Gordon Conquers the Universe. And I may be insulting Flash Gordon.

Space Orc, Commander Smirk, Saru,
and Captain "I'm just here for a paycheck"
And Michelle Yeoh took the script so seriously she sounded like she was trying not to laugh during the reading -- I do not call it acting. I concur with Yeoh's judgement, but it undercuts what should be serious moments.

There was one other person who bothered acting .... Saru, the one who said "Hi, on my planet, I'm prey. I'm telling you, time to RUN."

No, seriously, first rule of acting should be pretend you're invested. Second rule is "At least pretend you're getting paid." Seriously, when your visuals are mind-bogglingly gorgeous, and the actor looks at it like she's bored, the illusion is massively undermined.

Then there are the Klingons. The long-winded, preachy, Klingons who only speak in Klingon, even in private, so we are subjected to long winded, translated conversations. They are less Klingons as they are space orcs, and this is an insult to the makeup in Lord of the Rings. The Klingons here are obviously rubber suits, screwing up a history of good makeup. Really, Christopher Lloyd and Michael Dorn are laughing, saying "I hated my makeup, but God, it must suck to be those guys."

I gave up at the 40 minute mark. So, all of this is, of course, before I got to the stuff that was designed to offend me. I'm told there are gay, bisexual and other sexes all over the place, that the Klingons were supposed to be Trump supporters, that they use cussing but can't say "God" on the show.  Heck, I didn't even get far enough into the episode to see "Michael" assault her captain, take over the ship in a mutiny specifically so she could commit an act of war on the Klingons... which happened.

The acting is terrible. The writing is worse. The effects are lovely, fit for the big screen, but not the small minds we have here. This actually reminds me of a CSI episode that had an obvious Star Trek analog, and then murdered a producer who was going to remake it as a grimdark parody... only Discovery is the grimdark parody.

This is one STD that will never go viral.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

NEW TV Review: The Orville

My standard policy on TV shows is to give them three episodes... unless they do something to really drop the ball, and / or piss me off.

The Orville has had three episodes.

So, what do I think?

I have no idea.

Really, I don't know what to do with this one. I think I like it. Then they do something strange and off-putting.

The Orville opens with Ed Mercer (played by writer / producer Seth MacFarlane) walking in on his wife (played by Agent of SHIELD's Adrienne Palicki) with an alien in their bed. Given the writer, I expected a gag. A joke. Something over the top and insane...

Mercer turns around, gets in his vehicle, and flies off. It strikes me as being fairly realistic.

The next scene is a year later. Mercer's career has been derailed ever since his wife cheated on him. But, hey, they've got an expanding fleet, they need captains, here's your ship, don't screw it up.

Then his ex-wife becomes his second in command. (Does that makes her his Ex-O? .... Yes, I'm sorry. But the joke was right there)

I was expecting it to be a variation on Ringo's A Ship Called Francis. But ... nope.

Granted, we have a lot of strangeness. Junior security officer Alara (Halston Sage) is this tiny little slip of a thing ... from a heavy gravity world, so she hits above her weight class. There's an all-male species, a racist cyberman, and a sarcastic chief medical officer who might be out of the McCoy school of medicine (played by 24 and Deep Space 9's Penny Johnson Gerald). And a drunk pilot.

We get halfway through the first episode, and it looks like simple set up, and ha ha, this is going to be funny / awkward... Then their first mission, a milk run, turns into a running shootout. Talk about narrative whiplash. We have some funny humor (including an alien that looks like Schlock), one awkward moment that I don't think is supposed to be funny, and then we're in the middle of a run and gun?

The solution to the action bits are actually quite well executed, as well as entertaining, and, dare I say it, even intelligent.

End of episode one, we get the sense that we might have a cliche that I don't see too often: "Your ex still loves you."

Episode two just opens with one of the most awkward sequences I've seen in a while... and then it becomes an actual episode in the first five minutes. I'm sorry, we're going to go straight into the plot? Huh? The resulting episode involved a junior officer having to take over the bridge, and do the captain's job. It's mostly a straight-faced episode. Things that could be played for laughs, aren't. The plot of the episode is Rod Serling (People are the Same All Over). The solution is both innovative and hilarious.

I will give the acting a lot of credit here. The drunken pilot is played relatively straight -- he's not a fall down drunk, or doing a drunken "Hic!" every few minutes. Palicki has decided she wants a career, and Agents of SHIELD didn't provide nearly enough acting range for her.

Then there's episode 3, the Transgender episode. Which is the one that surprised me. The all-male species crewman has ... a daughter. Immediately, he demands the procedure to swap her gender. The doctor says "Hell no." The Captain says, "I'm not ordering the doctor to do anything." When said crewman calls for a ship from his homeworld, the Captain is pissed for the chain of command being violated.

There is some discussion about trans issues, but while they don't smother your face in what stance the show wants you to take, it's very clear that the show has a side. The solution is ... very Babylon 5. Captain Kirk can show X species that their culture is wrong, but that doesn't mean X will be happy and thank him over it.

I was surprised. Seriously, what do they want to do with this show?

The biggest drawback to this show is the ... humor, I think. I honestly don't know if they're supposed to be funny bits of business, or just awkward. Almost all three episodes have had this awkward moment in there that is so narratively jarring, it's hard to get a firm grasp of what this show wants to be when it grows up. The only time we even have a solid musical cue is when they have an action sequence. For that, I will give the music department props.

This show has a lot of promise, and a lot of potential to grow... But it's a scifi show on Fox, so before we hold out too much hope, let's see if it lasts long enough to find its footing.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Fisking Hydra Cap

Nick Spencer, of #NickSpencerIsHydra, crawled out from the rock under which he resides to defend making Captain America a lifelong Hydra Nazi. This interview happened with The Daily Beast. You can find it if you like, it's not hard, but I refuse to give them the clicks.

I know it's memorial day, so few if anyone will read it. I know it's more of a Veteran's Day post, but right now, Captain America has been killed in the war with Social Justice schmucks.

As far as I'm concerned, it's time for someone to fisk him into next century.

I figured that I'm the only one volunteering for the job. Probably because everyone else is reduced to incoherent rage (or, they had vacation plans for the weekend. I was free).

Anyway, here we go.

The interviewer asked if Nick was "OK," because of the vitriol.
(Laughs.) No, I love this stuff. I feed off it, it’s totally fine. It’s looking like it’s gonna be a no. 1 trending topic here in a second. I’m the most hated man in America today and Donald Trump is running for president!
Trump didn't take an American icon of the last 7 decades and make him a Nazi.

You feed off of being hated. Hmm, so does Donald Trump, it seems. And yet you're trying to belittle Trump? Uh huh. Right.  You know, dude, I enjoy being hated, but usually by people who would already hate me for just being myself. I don't go out of the way to make all new people hate me.

It's the first paragraph of the first answer of the first question, and we've already verified that Spencer here is a glorified internet troll. Wonderful.
I was surprised by the sheer magnitude of the response. I can’t remember the last time something that happened in comics upset quite this many people.
It's called One More Day, you may have heard of it.
When you decide to do something like this, you understand obviously that people aren't gonna throw you a party for it. You understand that this is the kind of story designed to upset people and shock people and worry people. That’s the response you’re supposed to have to something like this, when you’re seeing a bad thing. So, yeah, this is certainly the kind of response I expected, but in terms of the magnitude of it and just how many people are chiming in, that part’s unreal. That surpassed any expectation that I had. 
There's "shock" and "worry," and then there's just plain, "Do you have head trauma?"
I think it just comes down to [the fact that] this character, particularly since the movies, has really exploded in popularity. Obviously he represents a lot to a lot of people. They’re emotionally invested, which is good.

Translation: Yes, this character means so much to so many .... so we went out of our way to screw him up so we can have the biggest click bait ever.
The worst thing that could have happened today is people shrugging, or even being reasonable. That would’ve said that we didn’t stick the landing on it. So this is what we wanted, we just have even more of it than we imagined.
So you enjoy being the most hated man in comics right now?  Tell me how you're any different than an internet troll. Because I'm not seeing it.

Q: What sorts of discussion with Marvel went into this? I read your editor Tom Brevoort said this twist had been in the works ever since Sam Wilson: Captain America #1. 
"Hey, you made Sam Wilson into Captain Liberal, so of course you were planning to make the patriotic Rogers a Hydra Nazi. It makes perfect sense."

Arrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
Yeah, we’ve been holding onto this for about 16 months now, so it’s been well over a year that we’ve been keeping this under wraps. And that was a hugely gratifying thing, especially in the last couple of months as we started work on the issue. There’s an artist drawing it [Jesús Saiz] and a letterer [Joe Caramagna], and you start to worry because obviously the book is getting passed through a lot of hands and there’s something tangible out there that can get leaked. So yeah, I mean all the credit in the world goes to Tom and everyone at Marvel, they really went above and beyond to keep a lid on this. They took a lot of special measures that we’ve never had before—and it worked! We managed to keep this until it started leaking out last night, which was inevitable because that’s when the book started arriving at various places. But yeah, it was a big success. I was really surprised. I thought for sure it would be ruined. 
Oh, it was ruined, all right.

And was there any pushback on this stupidity?
It’s a really funny thing, there was not an enormous amount of debate about the story. We do our creative retreats and this was a major subject at both of the last two. And honestly, that was a little surreal for me as well. Everybody seemed really into the idea and really supportive. I know that I went into the first [retreat] really expecting to have to fight for it and for there to be pushback, and there was very little. We had a luxury though, I could lay out the whole story for them. What everybody got today is obviously just sort of an opening chapter. I was able to kind of explain the whole thing and put it all into context. I’m as excited about this story as anything I’ve ever done in comics. I think we’re onto something here. And certainly in the room it seemed to go over well and that’s always a really encouraging sign.
In short: "No. They ran out of ideas too."

Daily Beast then softballed it with "Where did this new idea come from and why did a change of this magnitude feel necessary for the series?"

New idea. Bah. You could tell that this guy is a newb. Making the good guy into the bad guy is about as new as Oedipus. In fact, it's even less original than that in comics. Don't believe me? Look up DC's Injustice universe, where Superman is a villain.
It almost happened by chance, really. 
"You see, the Star Trek episode Mirror, Mirror was on the television, and ...."
Rick Remender was the previous writer on the book and when I took over, he had had some plotlines that were outstanding. 
Would that be the Captain Liberal plots? If you wanted a real author, why didn't you just get Ed Brubaker. You know, the award winning author who was so popular a few years ago?
Tom ran through them with me, and one of them was that Hydra had infiltrated all the various teams and organizations in the Marvel universe and we were gonna be weeding out the various Hydra clans. And, to be honest, at the time, I had just gotten the Captain America assignment and that story really felt like an event. I felt like it was maybe a little too big for me at that point, and that wasn’t something they would want me to do. 
So I started to kind of drill it down a bit and I started wondering, what if there’s just one Hydra plant? What if they think they’re looking for a hundred people and it turns out there’s just one really good one? And if there’s just one really good Hydra plant, who would that be? Within a second, I realized that Steve was by far the person who could do the most damage. He’s the leader of the Avengers, he has a relationship with the U.S. government, and he works closely with SHIELD. Not to mention just his status in the Marvel universe—he’s a symbol, everyone trusts him, everybody looks to him as an authority. 
So, in short, you took the Secret Wars premise of "The shape-shifting aliens Skrulls have infiltrated the planet by impersonating superheroes," and instead of Skrulls, you just replaced it with "Hydra," and boiled it down to one hero.

You are the biggest, most unimaginative hack in the universe, aren't you?
Q: One of the first things most people will probably think is, “But hasn’t he spent the last 75 years fighting Hydra?” How do you reconcile the twist with the character’s history?A: I can’t say a lot on that front, but what I can say is that that is not a huge point of concern in the story. 
Translation: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME, PEASANT!



No, really, Captain America punched Hitler in the face, beat up the Red Skull and his minions a hundred times, removed Hydra from SHIELD, and has personally wielded Thor's hammer, Mjolnir, and you've just RetConned (or Wreck-Conned) 75 years of comic book history, and THAT'S NOT A HUGE POINT OF THE STORY? IT'S THE ONLY POINT OF THE STORY. It's the ONLY thing that matters.
That question will be answered, at least for the most part, in the next issue. That wasn’t something that we wanted to drag out. We wanted to make that stuff as clear as we could upfront. So now that we’ve gotten the big surprise, we’re going to go back and explain some things to you so that you, as a reader, have a much clearer vantage point. But your vantage point may differ greatly from the characters in the Marvel universe. 
Oh, how nice of you. You're not dragging it out.

The Daily Beast brought up that the creators of Captain America were both Jewish.
Look, everybody who’s working on this story loves Captain America. 
Well, that one's obviously a lie.
I know that it may not seem like it today. 
No! Really? Do tell.
But this book is edited by Tom Brevoort, who has been protecting this character’s legacy for a very long time now. 
That's a lie. He was Executive Editor of Civil War. Considering that train wreck, I submit that the only legacy he wants to protect is his own.
He’s not gonna let me do anything that he thinks is going to endanger that character’s legacy and how the character is perceived. 
A lie so big, it just broke psychic paper, and his nose should be a sequoia.
It’s always difficult when you’re at this point in a story, because you don’t just wanna tell people, “Everything’s gonna work out great!” Because that certainly may not be the case here. But what I think I can say with confidence is that with this story, our intention and our hope is that in its own unique way, it reinforces what everybody already knows about Captain America, which is his power as a symbol and what that means. We are approaching it from a different angle, but I think it illuminates the character in a way that we’ve never seen before. 
You just made the biggest American Patriot ever into a Hydra Nazi. You have just inverted everything that the character stands for. You have betrayed Kirby. You have betrayed the fans. You have betrayed Captain America. I half expect his fist to fly off the page and hit you in the face -- I'd say your balls, but he'd take too long to find them.
It’s always tough. The eternal divide is the reader wants the character to succeed, to be happy, to win.
Obviously, Captain America no longer exists, so we don't actually have that problem.
Our job is often to put the characters through things and that can often be mistaken for a lack of respect or care for the character.
That's not putting the character through something. You've made his entire history as we know it A LIE. Everything he's ever stood for is now a lie. That's not something that just happened to him. That's making his entire existence mean nothing, all so you can pull a stunt. Because that's all this is, a stunt.
It’s just the reality of what draws people into these stories, whether you realize it or not, and this is going to be a major test for a lot of characters in the Marvel universe.
This is going to be a test of your security systems if you keep this up.
Q: The resurgent Hydra that Red Skull is pulling together seems to share a lot of parallels with Trump's “Make America Great Again” campaign. It’s xenophobia and anti-political correctness. What went into forming his recruitment platform?A: What I think I can say about this, is one of the later conceptions of the story was “what if the new Hydra is a blank?” We wanted to kind of get away from the green and yellow costumes and the doomsday machines and things like that and really reconnect with what the organization has at its sort of moral core. 
Yes. You read that right. He just said that Hydra, and the Red Skull, Nazi organizations and personnel from day one, had a moral core.

Did someone not explain that Nazis don't have a moral core? That they make Max Weber look calm? Their entire philosophy of existence is power makes things right. If you don't grasp that concept, you're an idiot.

Even the joker knows better.



If you do grasp that concept, and think that is a moral core, then that just means that you might be a liberal, and you think that the Nazis were the good guys.

As for being anti-PC, you should read Politically Correct Bedtime Stories. He's obviously a Nazi.
We’ve obviously seen a lot of growth in white supremacist organizations and extreme nationalist groups in the U.S., certainly over the last eight years. 
Only if you're an idiot and follow the Southern Poverty Law Center, who classified Focus on the Family as a terrorist group.

Or you, like Janet Napolitano, have classified the Tea party as a terrorist group.

In short, anyone who disagrees with you politically are really Nazis. Thanks for that.
And so I had to do the ugly research of what’s drawing folks into those groups. What’s driving recruitment? 
Nothing. Because it's not happening.

Unless you mean ISIS. In which case, that's Barack Obama.
The Skull speech is a slightly sanitized version of that stuff. It’s been a little interesting hearing people say, “Oh, he’s taking political shots.” We’ve done that kind of thing, where we used a lot of topical language in stories with varying degrees of sincerity. This was a little different. I was looking at something else when I came to this. If people see those things as similar, it’s not my place to say. (Laughs.)
Please, be more insincere, why don't you?
I wanted us to kind of understand where this endless supply of bodies that Hydra always has comes from. And why someone would sign up for the gig. It became pretty clear that that wasn’t going to be a supervillain screaming at the top of his lungs about how he was gonna take over the world and everybody was gonna bow to him. Instead, they would need to see some potential self-interest gain from working in Hydra. It’s probably a pretty good paycheck because it’s a dangerous job. 
We've already covered that. His name is Bob, Agent of Hydra.

Also, if you did five minutes of research, you'd realize that the Red Skull could recruit them all from the Middle East, after the Grand Mufti Hajj Amin al-Husseini became Eichmann's best friend. That's a few hundred million people right there.

Also, cloning. Because comics.
So again, when looking at various hate groups and what drew those people in, these are the kinds of things you see a lot. A lot of times they’re recruiting in areas that are economically depressed, they’re recruiting people who don't have a lot of education or opportunity, who could gain from employment and having future prospects. 
What? You mean that it's not Climate Change? I hear that causes all the problems now.

Also, that must mean that the Red Skull recruits a lot in Detroit.
We [in the U.S.] have a lot of people like that. It’s kind of a miracle that we don't have more of this stuff. So I wanted to bring the camera in close on one of them and give you an idea of who’s filling these rooms of people that SHIELD’s fighting against. I think it makes for a stronger dynamic. It presents SHIELD with some new problems that they’ve never really had to deal with before. 
I'm sorry, did you want to turn a comic book into All Quiet on the Western Front? Because that was crap, even for propaganda.

Q: What should we be reading into Eric Selvig’s expression there at the end? Was he in cahoots with Cap?

You mean this image?



Are you stupid? Or merely brain dead? Does that man look happy to you?
A: I know, he looks a little dark, doesn't he? He looks a little creepy. (Laughs.) That’s a good observation. Good thing to keep in your back pocket for future issues. 
Translation: "I didn't think of that. Thanks for the idea. I know who to ruin next."

Speaking of stupid....
Q:Have you been watching the #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend campaign unfold?A: Yeah. I think the only thing I can say there is it speaks to people’s passion for the character. 
Funny. I thought it spoke to the power of the gay lobby on Twitter.
Which probably isn’t much of an answer, 
Ya think?
but people strongly identify with these characters, they’re strongly invested in these characters’ lives, and I think that this is a reflection of that energy.
Then you made him a Nazi. Now, not even the gay crowd will want him.
What can we expect from the story going forward?
Your usual stupid cliches. Probably the power of love, while we're at it.
I would tell everybody to take the solicits and stuff that are out there with a real grain of salt.
 Dude, we're expecting to wake up the next day and hope this was a nightmare. Also, we're hoping that you're found in a dark alley somewhere.
(Laughs.) We had to embellish somewhat so that nobody would get suspicious.
You made ... CAPTAIN AMERICA .... into ... a ... NAZI. You're embellishing "somewhat"?
What I think I can say to folks that might help them visualize where the story is going is that this is not so much a story about what has come before as it is about what comes next. The story is not Steve’s past, it’s Steve’s future. 
You just made Steve Rogers a Hydra plant since before he was Captain America. That alone has just made everything incoherent. And you think that his past is irrelevant? How many times did your parents have to drop you on your head for you to be just this level of stupid?
So we’ve established that Captain America is Hydra. 
Consider carefully just how stupid that sounds, Nicky.
That is a huge moment in the Marvel universe, regardless of when it came to be or how it came to be.
It came to be because you couldn't think of anything original.
What that means in terms of the doors that are open to Steve, what he can do, and what he chooses to do with that power is what remains to be seen.
Doors that are open? Really? If he's a Hydra agent, he could walk into the White House, shake hands with the President, then rip off his arm and beat him to death with it.
But the thing that I can say is it’s a huge story I really can’t believe that they’re letting me do. 
That's the first honest thing I've heard you say. I can't believe they're letting you do it either.
This is something that is gonna have a profound effect on the Marvel universe. 
Yes. Like tanking books sales.
I’ve seen a lot of people say things like, “Oh, it’ll be wrapped up in the arc,” or “Give it six months.” And I can tell you, that’s not the case. This has real lasting repercussions that are gonna be with us for a while.
You mean until the latest Marvel event that shakes things up? You sure that's not going to bigfoot your stupidity in the next give minutes?  Or did you mean until sales tank so badly, you're thrown out into the street? Did you even consider the impact that having Chris Evans hating the idea?  And did anyone consider that this would be an especially bad idea with the Civil War film coming out the same month? Though I noticed they made sure to release this comic AFTER Civil War released.

I think I've made my point here. This is a stupid, unoriginal, shock-jock stunt that's geared to general sales, and I suspect it's going to have the opposite effect. And I suspect that it will end with Nick Spenser out in the street begging for change.

As I said at the start, Captain America is dead. A victim of political propaganda. But, like with all our real life heroes, he will live once more, and given new life. Only in his case, as he is fictional, it will happen sooner for him than for the rest.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

The Return of Everything

One, yes, I'm back. My guest has left for parts unknown (Iowa is greatly unknown to me) and I am now free and clear to right blogs again. The first thing I did was go over to the Catholic Geeks and pump out some articles, because I like to fulfill my obligations.

And, after finishing those news articles, I have to ask ... What is wrong with everyone lately?  Why is everyone and everything dedicated to reboots?

Okay, in some cases, I understand it. If it's a comic book something, fine, yay.  But why are people bothering bringing back crap that no one liked in the first place?

For example, Star Trek.  I understand bringing back Star Trek, because it's a force to be reckoned with, a franchise that's on the rebound.  So I understand having the return of Star Trek to the small screen.  Granted, in this case, it's smaller than usual, because it's "coming back" to computer streaming services, not to network or cable television. And, since the films are doing so well, it only stands to reason that Star Trek would take another stab at TV.

Star Trek has a fan base. It has some really die hard fans. These fans will cut you if you point out how DS9 ripped off Babylon 5Star Trek is a franchise monster that's on the rebound.

THAT I understand.

But Van Helsing?  Remember that terrible Hugh Jackman film in 2004?  It's coming back, only to the Syfy channel and gender-swapped. And apparently with nothing to do with the original movie. None of the original people behind the film seem to be working on it, none of the cast are released, and it's being brought to us by the channel behind Sharknado.

Who thought this was a good idea? No one liked the original film, it died a horrible death at the box office, and it's so old, no one currently going to college probably even remembers it.  Honestly, it was 2004.  Do you remember that year very well?  It was the year after Lord of the Rings had finished, leaving Harry Potter to continue on inertia. Van Helsing was just a bad film.  And even worse, they've made it Vanessa Helsing -- unless it's Vanessa van Helsing, that means even THE NAME OF THE SHOW IS WRONG.  And if they make her nickname "Van," I'm going to throw rocks at the tv screen. That's such a stupid nickname, no one would swallow it.

Yes, I'm only pissed at the gender-swapping because they've managed to screw up the name in that route.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

The Wrong Kind of Laugh: Hugos as Joke

It has come to my attention that we of the Sad Puppies are taking the “True Fan” Puppy Kickers, far, far too seriously. Once, I joked that I was the Sad Puppy comedy corner with my Sad Puppies Bite Back series, Tom Knighton pointed out to methat I fit right in. After all, the spokes-critter was a Manatee for God's sake – all the Tweets were some variety of “Hooonnn.”

And for all that, we're still taking them too seriously.

I've seen multiple reactions to the Hugo awards ceremony. Tom Kratman said, “Yes!” Larry shrugged and said “I told you so.” Ringo said “So glad to have all my previous statements about the Hugos proven right. There is no point to tilting a diseased windmill.” Vox Day was happy to get five No Awards. Tom Kratman wanted even more. Cedar Sanderson makes me wonder if she's joining WitSec.

One reaction I have not seen was laughter.

Sure, they threw insults at us. But I've been a fat, nerdy, Conservative Catholic New Yorker for years, if I let insults bother me, I'd have slit my wrists already.

But let's look at this – They had a Dalek come out to present the award for Best Dramatic Presentation (Short form), and a Dalek announces that it was a fan of John Scalzi, Puppy Kicker -in Chief…

Could I have a show of hands? How many people would want their spokes-critter to be a genocidal alien Space Nazi? 

This is like atheists getting a personal endorsement by Satan. This is Planned Parenthood getting a quote from Moloch. I'd really rather not get an endorsement by Adolf Hitler, thank you.

These “True Fans” thought it was a *good idea* to get an endorsement from one of the most famously evil creatures in science fiction. Hell, if they had said “Vox Day,” that would have at least fit the theme they had going of Vox as Supreme Dark Lord. Since Daleks run on hate, it would have fit Larry's joke of being the International Lord thereof.

But no, they picked a Dalek for a fan. Nice going, “True Fans.” Do you idiots even watch Doctor Who? Or did you figure that it was nominated every year, then google it to find the first thing that came up?

Monday, May 25, 2015

The Anti-Puppies (Sad Puppies Bite Back VI)

Been a while since I used him
So ... more puppies.

See, I told you that they'd be back.  I was half afraid I'd never do another one as soon as I said "To be continued."

If you're new here....

Sad Puppies I
Sad Puppies II
Sad Puppies III
Sad Puppies IV

What brought this one about?  Someone mentioned the other day that, well, NK Jemisin wanted to go to war against Larry Correia, because ... why not?  

My reaction was, "Wait, she wants to pick a fight with the lord of the fisk? Really?  Oh, this is just too good to pass up." 




And, well, everyone with me now, "It Just Spiraled."

Of course, I couldn't have done this one alone. I got input from The Novel Ninja (lots and LOTS of input ... and memes), the original inspiration came from His Tankness, and Margot also stayed up pasted her bed time to play with this.

For the record, a bit of legal CYA. For those of you who are named in this sketch: THIS IS A PARODY.  If you come to my blog, then whine, moan and complain that "Oh, I didn't do this or that" or some other damn thing, I'm not reporting the news, I'M MAKING FUN OF YOU.  If you comment that you're offended, I will merely make fun of you even MORE, because you not only lack a sense of humor, you can't even tell when something's supposed to be a joke. 

Thank you.  Now that that's over and done with, everyone with me now: UNLEASH THE PUPPIES

Thursday, February 12, 2015

CatholicFiction(.net), and "Dereliction of Duty"

Sometimes, I love my fellow Catholics.

And sometimes, they are brain-dead stupid.

If you look at this article from CatholicFiction.net, you'll see this great example of brain death.
Science fiction has also been derelict in its duty. Who does science fiction serve? Sci-fi is a significant buttress propping up the established church of Scientism. Sci-fi flatters both rightist and leftist elites: square-jarred heroes battle alien savages along the outer space frontier while proclaiming anti-religious and anti-natalist platitudes. As an avid reader of the genre, I have come up with a list of the major shortcomings of the genre.
While I can think of some particular examples of what this nimrod (a creature from the black lagoon named Nito Gnoci), this is just ... "Avid reader?" Really?

Funny, as an avid reader myself, Nito, you're an idiot.

If you've followed the guest posts I've written for Right Fans, or read my reviews of Karina Fabian's work, you'll probably note that this very concept is already starting to get under my skin.  But, sure, there are problems within science fiction -- science fiction fans know that "sci-fi" started as a derogatory term -- so let's play this out some, shall we?

If you compare and contract the article excerpts here with the original article, you'll note that I've cleaned up the lousy formatting.

1) Aliens
Aliens: Sci-fi stories often involve contact with numerous alien civilizations.In 1950 Enrico Fermi, in conversation with his colleagues at the Los Alamos National Laboratory, famously asked “Where is everybody?” (Meaning: If alien civilizations exist why haven’t we heard from them?) I don’t think the question has received a satisfactory answer. It is unlikely other technologically advanced civilizations exist within our galaxy. If they existed they would have already explored the galaxy, a process which takes only some hundreds of thousands of years, which is a mere moment in geologic time.
Ummm ... doesn't this presume that the aliens are more advanced that us?  This is a presumption that Rod Serling never made.  In fact, there are three distinct episodes that immediately come to mind (Third Planet from the Sun being one of them, I forget the titles of the other two).

Also, if there are other life forms out in this galaxy, doesn't that mean that they could be as advanced as we are, or maybe even less so?

This argument basically reads: If there are aliens, therefore they must be more advanced, therefore they don't exist because otherwise we would have heard of them by now?  What idiot thinks like that?

Not to mention that this presumes that any technological advancement is leaps and bounds ahead of us.  In fact, Nito assumes that aliens would advance at ONE EXACT RATE OF SPEED.  Yikes. Nito the nimrod presumes so, so much.

I'm not saying that there are aliens, but there's a lot of space out there. As Douglas Adams noted, space is big. Really big. The idea that we're the only ones in the galaxy is kinda presumptuous, don't you think? Also, the author limits himself to this Galaxy.  There are more galaxies than just ours out there.

2) Bad predictions
Sci-fi often features time travel or routine intergalactic travel. Instead of dubious scenarios that involve debating with Socrates or zooming to the Andromeda Galaxy for the weekend, sci-fi should focus on less speculative but still astonishing advances in medical, communication, and computer technology. Sci-fi readies us for a future that will never come, and too often assumes the future will mirror the past, an assumption both unrealistic and unimaginative. After all, what is the starship Enterprise but a British or American colonial gunboat?
Um, excuse me.  When 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea was written, it was science fiction, and now we have nuclear submarines. Is that not predictive enough?

But Robert Heinlein created mechanical suits of armor for soldiers to fight in, and our modern military is designing it.  Captain Kirk had the first flip phone. Doctor Crusher had the first tablet, and Captain Picard read off the first e-reader. J. Michael Straczynski's Babylon 5 developed a star fighter called Starfuries -- which NASA wants to use a model to design space construction craft. The science fiction show had the most functional design.

Oh, wait, medical technology? You mean the people who've been designing a medical tri-corder from Star Trek and the people who've made an actual Doctor Who sonic screwdriver aren't enough for these people? Are we kidding?

Oh, and these things will never come? Maybe not in our lifetime, some of them, but we've already got scientists who are coming up with variations on warp drive.  Presuming that Einsteinian physics will always be physics is like saying that Newtonian physics is the end all and be all of physics. Hint: it's not.  Considering what quantum physics might end up giving us, we might end up with better technology than warp drive.

Hell, we've already got the early stages of a transporter, dang it. Meaning that Nito the Nimrod not only doesn't know science fiction, HE DOESN'T KNOW SCIENCE!!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Review: Infinite Space, Infinite God II


[A Review of Infinite Space, Infinite God II, a science fiction anthology of Catholic-related tales. Edited by Robert and Karina Fabian ]

One of the themes of this blog is that I try not to get too religious. Most of my consistent readers are not Catholic, or even Christian, so it just won't fly. And, as I've said before, the most I really want to do with this blog is possibly explain the utter insanity that is my religion …. which, as far as some religions go, might be the most reasonable (And if you don't believe me, look up the Aztecs, and the Roman cult of Mithras).

Infinite Space, Infinite God II, however, fits in perfectly well with the rubric. It's not preachy. And there is not even a whiff, a hint, a suggestion, of pro-Catholic propaganda. In fact, the entire premise of this book is that systems fail, fall apart, and don't solve everything, leaving it up to individuals. Sometimes, an individual combined with faith, and sometimes not.

Sometimes, the individual isn't even human.

Welcome to the world of Catholic science fiction.  And, in case you were wondering, yes, there are Catholic science fiction nerds, as evidenced by my DragonCon posts on this blog.

This is not, mercifully, one of those books where you have to be Catholic to understand everything. In fact, aside from a few in-jokes, this is not a book that requires you know Catholic theology—one of the authors is a Presbyterian Minister. Far as I can tell, if you don't mind having Catholics as the good guys, this book is quite enjoyable. This doesn't even require a belief in God.... but it doesn't hurt, either

The sense of humor in some is almost sly. You don't need to be Catholic to understand the actual jokes, though there are some bits where there are Catholic in-jokes.

Karina Fabian's tale of interstellar rescue nuns includes their base convent as being the Convent of Joseph du Cupertino—the patron saint of pilots. Most relevant jokes are spelled out: one ship is called the Mark 16, even though there were only seven models—only to discover that it's actually Mark 16:18...

Let's just say that I've never seen “Snakes on a Star ship.”

There was also a question from an alien to a nun that started

“What do the wings on the hat signify? Something to do with aviation?"

"This is a full habit."
"I didn't ask how often you wore it."
It's cute.

However, one of the more interesting parts of this collection is that it's a science fiction story that uses—gasp—science. We get to keep inertia, Kepler's laws, and no, you are not going to rewrite history as a time traveler. Thank you.

(If you are not an active science fiction fan, let's just say that finding science in science fiction can, occasionally, be hit-or-miss. There are Baen novels, some of which use so many scientific elements that they have physicists co-writing books, and then there's Star Wars and Star Trek media … don't even ask).

Now, to be fair, this comes with the usual mixed bag in any anthology. There are one or two stories that I read and didn't think came up to the standard set by the editors' own tales. I don't know if they were feeling charitable, or if they just really liked “The moral of the story.” The biggest, and I mean the biggest, problem with this anthology is actually … in the introductions. Some of the story intros push a little too hard in trying to explain the moral of the story, and some even give away the ending. But then, if that's the biggest problem with this book, it's not that big at all, when compared to the fun of the rest of it.

If the editors are reading, a simple word of warning for the next volume: stop trying so hard. The story will sell itself. And if you don't think it does, move the introduction of each story to the end of each tale. That's it. “Problem” solved.

And, in this entire collection, I can only suggest skipping two stories. That's it, two. Well, one and a half, really.

The opening tale, The Ghosts of Kourion, is so full of exposition, and takes place so much inside of the protagonist's head, that I can't honestly recommend it. I got bored, and moved on.  And, to be honest, I'm not a big fan of anthologies, considering how variable the quality can be.  I was very tempted to give up on the entire book, if Ghosts of Kourion was going to be an example.  It might be me, but I couldn't really get into it...

And then I read the Karina Fabian tale Antivenin … referred to above as “Snakes on a Star Ship.” Rescue nuns and poisonous snakes. In zero-gravity.  It was fun.  It was a nice, solid adventure.  Though I did expect there to be a line that read "I am sick and tired of these .... snakes on this .... star ship."

It made up for "Ghosts of Kourion," in spades.

As for the rest of the stories, well …

An Exercise in Logic: A nun brought in to argue for saving a few thousand people, in a logic game of chicken.  The alien race's argument? “Yes, we could save this planet … how do you know that the aftereffects won't endanger more people?”   And I can't quibble about a nun who has to fight the urge to slip into the vocabulary of a sailor.  It was entertaining and amusing.  And the ending was cute.

As I mentioned before, I'm a bit of a philosophy nerd, so this one appealed to me. The philosopher Kant once argued that since you can't see all of the ripple effects of your decisions, saying that the ends justify the means is an invalid premise. This story deals with an alien race that argues, The name of Kant is never mentioned, but I liked this one if only for the premise alone.

However, the funniest part of this story may be in the brief bio on author Barton Paul Levenson, who is, in fact, Presbyterian, not Catholic.

However, the best line of the story: "You can't pray to your god in here! This is the Ecumenical Temple! Stop it at once!"

And there will be no fighting in the war room ....

Cathedral (Author: Tamara Wilhite) A short summary of this one could be “Blade Runner goes to church.” A biologically engineered soldier has a limited lifespan, and only has a few months left to try to extend her lifespan ... or to make her life mean something.

This was a very well-designed story, with a nice punchline.  The setup was nice, and the takedown was well executed.  It was touching.  I generally despise "touching," but this one worked for me quite well.

Otherworld (author, Karina Fabian, one of the editors): Remember when I mentioned that there was one and a half stories I would not recommend? This is the half.

The premise here is that there's a Jesuit doing missionary work in virtual reality (VR) … like a net chat room, complete with trolls (not literal … okay, some of them are literal). Imagine that a VR World of Warcraft, or perhaps Second Life, can be so addicting, it can cause the user to fall in and never come out.

I like this premise. Honest. I like the idea of VR missionaries. And how can you not enjoy a story that has a line like “I've just left a discussion on Catholic Social Justice with a white rabbit, a raven and a hamster. I feel very close to St. Francis at the moment”?

However, the main problem isn't the author, or the story, but the narrator. Our protagonist, a Jesuit priest, is a very, very serious fellow. I understood the character's problems because I'm Catholic, and while I even agreed with what our first-person narrator preached, the way it was delivered was in a rote fashion, without thought or explanation to the audience. Why do I blame the narrator, and not the author? Because Karina Fabian is also the author of Antivenin, noted above, which was a fairly excellent story.

And, yes, I'm a mildly schizophrenic author who sees no problem blaming a character as a completely separate entity from the person who writes him.  We've covered this before.

The Battle of the Narthex (Alex Lobdell): I loved this one, it was hilarious. It had intergalactic politics, alien princes going to mass, an old bodyguard who wants to get away from cutthroat palace politics, military tactics, an assassination squad, and motion sensor flush toilets as a threat to invisibility camouflage units. And we get to see a “Come holy spirit” banner on fire.

Imagine the Catholic church from the point of view an alien, and you get something that looks like my “Catholic Cannibals”post from a while ago. There is no theology in this one at all, and the protagonist of this one is an old alien soldier who's an atheist … but there is a nice little touch at the end...

Let's just say that Father Brown would be proud.

Tenniel (Colleen Drippé): In the future, when humanity meets alien worlds, there will be alien converts. In this story, an alien Catholic Bishop comes face to face with one of the local alien “pagans,” who is intent on wiping out the “alien faith,” and any who worship it. The barbarians here really are at the gates, and they are pissed.

I suggest you skip the introduction on this story altogether, since it gives away the ending, and pushes far too hard on the moral of the story. The story speaks for itself.

I'm thinking ... Constantine.

And not Keanu Reeves.

Tin Servants (J Sherer). In 2147, a Catholic priest has gone undercover as an android soldier being shipped into Africa, and what happens when, for once, the human has to act like an android, instead of vice versa. 

It's a nice inversion of cliches.  In the grand tradition of science fiction, it deals with a lot of modern problems with a fictional guise. Though in this case, the guise is a thin gauze. Not that I'm complaining. Half the science fiction I read lately seems to have a light crust of science over a Grand Canyon of politics—Tin Servants is downright subtle in comparison. There isn't much in the way of theology here, and that's a good thing. It's nice and low key and elegant, with a solid punchline you won't see coming.

Basilica (John Rundle). I loved this story. Up until this point in the collection, I thought that Antivenin alone would justify the cost of this book.  This was just as good.  Possibly better

This story is very much like a Doctor Who episode. To prevent a super-weapon from falling into the hands of ancient heretics, a priest has to hijack a star ship and fend off a boarding party of killing machines.

Basically, run.

Cloned to Kill (Derwin Mak): A military clone named Lorraine … hiding in St. Joan of Arc church … and she hears voices.  Enough said.  This one was fairly awesome, and very well constructed.

Frankie Phones Home (Karina Fabian). This was a cute story, told mostly in the form of dialogue – imagine if the kid from E.T. went along with his friendly neighborhood alien back to his home planet … and then came back.


Dyads (Ken Pick and Alan Loewen) – Premise: Catholicism doesn't mesh with non-human species, but we can all get along.  However, when a missionary from a backwater sect decides to covert the local "heathens" his way, interstellar diplomacy can get messy. 

The nice part about this one is that the culture shock isn't human to alien, but two religions (one human, one alien) looking at a third and saying "Wow, are you weird or what?"

Dyads takes time to really get going, but it's ultimately worth it. There are some details that are a touch overwritten, and there were some sections where I would have liked dialogue, not exposition. But if you ever wanted to see what would happen with interstellar cultural misunderstandings and missionaries, you have an interesting story here. Ultimately, it's quite touching. As I said above, this is coming from someone who typically holds standard “cute and cuddly” in the highest disdain.

Oh, and fair warning - - there are furries.  Tall, bipedel, fox-like furries.  They're aliens, but still, you have been warned.....

At the end of the day, if you like science fiction, you'll enjoy this book. It's worth the price of admission, and I'd even pay money for it, even though I already have a digital copy.



And if you don't want to take my word for it, I'm sure other people can give you a second opinion.



And, now, you get several samples from Infinite Space, Infinite God II

























Excerpt from "Antivenin" by Karina Fabian:










No, Ann was not durak. Now if Rita could just keep from doing anything lethally stupid. She grabbed the line, gave it a tug of her own to make sure it was secure, and pulled herself to the Mark 16:18.







Once inside the other ship, they exited the suits, positioning them for emergency donning. Then Rita set up the rescue balloons: nanomylar bags large enough to hold a man. Once sealed, a small motor generated air and heat for thirty minutes--an hour with an expansion pack. She pulled out the retractable strap on her medical kit and slung it over her shoulder.







Ann, meanwhile, had tried to contact the pilot and passenger both via the intercom and by yelling down the hall. Nothing.

Sr. Thomas spoke over their headsets. "Small asteroids coming. Brace yourself!"

They managed to grab the threshold just as the ship jinxed wildly to the left.

Sr. Thomas called, "At least two more, but you have a couple of minutes. Ann, can you disable those sensors before we jerk that tow line off?"

Rita's stomach clutched at the thought. "You go to engineering. I'll search for wounded."

Ann hurried down the corridor, while Rita followed more slowly, opening each door to scan the room. The ship was larger than she'd expected: six doors on each side led to rooms that had been converted to storage. Most were packed wall to wall, floor to ceiling, with an empty strip just wide enough for a person to pull something off a shelf and carry it out. She wondered what kind of cargo the ship carried.







It was eerily quiet, with nothing but the background hum of the engine, the hissing of doors and the sound of her own footsteps. What had happened to the crew?







"Rita! I found someone in the center compartment. He's unconscious. Respiration shallow. He's drooling a lot. I've never seen anything like it."







"Ann, pull up your collar, now." She pulled at the collar of her own skinsuit. The tightly compacted fibers stretched until the fabric covered her mouth and nose. She pressed along her nose and cheeks with thumb and forefinger, creating a seal. The fabric, actually a sophisticated biofilter, would enable her to breathe while blocking most airborne hazards. "Make him comfortable. I'm on my way. If there's nothing you can do, go on to engineering."







"I thought I heard something in the port corridor. I'm going to check that first."







"But if the tow line breaks--"







"Basilica has more. Tommie will catch us again."







It only took Rita a minute to get down the long hall, through the pie-shaped galley room and into the central hub. Ann had set the man upright against the wall and put a slap-patch on his cheek: Oxyboost and a mild stimulant. A second patch read his vital signs.







Rita knelt beside him and puzzled over his stats. They looked more like poisoning than a virus. His face was slack, eyelids drooping. She lifted one. The dilated pupils responded sluggishly to the bright light of the room.







Sr. Thomas called over the headset: "Brace!"







Rita braced one hand on each side of the victim. Again the ship jerked. Rita heard the metallic sound of dishes sliding and clattering to the floor. The man bumped against her arms, but did not fall.







Sr. Thomas said, "One more coming. You've got about two minutes-thirty, maybe three."







"Ann?"







"I'm fine. I definitely heard something this time. Last room on the left, port corridor. Door's jammed."







The man was stirring feebly now, but not enough to help. Rita muscled him around until she could get her arms under his and drag him back to the rescue bag. Despite the months of heavy exercise, she was panting from exertion as she all but dumped him into the nanomylar bag. The man forced a moan. His hand twitched and bumped her.







"Be still. We'll get you to our ship where we can treat you."







He tapped the floor: three slow, two fast. Universal Space Code for "Attention."







"You want to tell me something? Go ahead. I'm listening." They'd drilled the universal tap code daily in her training, and at the convent Mother Superior declared "tap code hours" to keep everyone in practice. It had annoyed her no end, but she was glad of it now.







But he tapped, "No. Look. Attention."







"All right. I'm watching your hand." Slowly, as if it took great will, he spelled:







A...



N...



T...



I..







"Anti?"







Ann called, "Got it! Opening the door now."







V...



E...



N...



O...



M







"Antivenom? What?" Was he hallucinating? She pulled up his sleeves, then his pantlegs.







"Rita?" Ann's voice was a thin ghost of a wail. "Serpents..."







Two small puncture marks, like pinpricks around a slightly swelled area.







"Annie. Just walk out quickly but calmly--"







"Brace!" Sr. Thomas called.







The ship swung, knocking Rita off balance. Through the headset and the ship, she heard Ann scream.









Excerpt from "An Exercise in Logic " by Barton Levenson:






In her room, Julian pored over data she had downloaded from the honendo library. She aligned pictures of a honendo, a desli, a meschottu, and a human. The first three had tails, the human didn't. Tails? Could it be that simple?



Don't be stupid. Look at the other similarities. The three alien species were all reptiles, and all about the same size -- the human picture on the same scale was shorter than the others. All three alien species were egg-layers, and that was probably a big part of the picture. If reproductive physiology was as important to them as it was to humans, that might be the key. The religious primers she had looked through often used a picture of an egg to illustrate existence. Their writers talked about the inside of the shell of the sky when talking about astronomy. And even though their written symbol for "zero" was a sort of check mark rather than a circle, the word for zero (sfuh) also meant "egg."



Doesn't matter. Whatever the difference is, they don't believe humans can produce a luendo. It's a dead end. Think of something else.



* * *



Seventeen days to go.



"How many worlds do the honendo still occupy?" Julian asked the High Council.



Greddil replied, "If you mean how many have a honendo majority, I'd say about eight, isn't that right, Rann?"



"Eight is correct," said Rann.



"But there are over a hundred worlds and habitats with at least a few honendo on them," added Greddil. "Used to be millions, but we've declined since then."



"Do your people ever indulge in interstellar travel?" asked Julian.



"It has been known to happen."



"Then I submit to you that there could be honendo on New Canaan now, even as we speak, and one of them may have laid an egg. The egg may contain a fetal luendo."



"It doesn't seem very likely," said Greddil. "But I'll put a request through TravelNet. It may take a few days to get an answer."



Uh oh. There went her argument, except in the unlikely case that she was right. "Does TravelNet keep tabs on every individual honendo?"



"Of course," said Greddil.



* * *



Thirteen days to go.



"I have researched legal precedents," said Julian. "Please take note of the case In the Matter of Charril, 11,319,255. The court held that Charril had, and I quote, 'The legal, moral and religious duty to render aid,' and that she had failed egregiously in not warning the family of the defect in the robot's programming."



"You raise an interesting point," said Greddil. "We do respect court decisions here. Will you hold on a moment while I review the case?"



"Certainly."



Greddil manipulated something on the bench. It was too high for Julian to see if he had a Pad or used something built in to the surface in front of him.



After a while, Greddil said, "The court referred to the earlier precedent of Honendo Sphere of Enlightenment v. Drann 5,123,582, which said that the legal, moral and religious duty to render aid was implied by the duties to one's family, and that all living honendo were ultimately to be regarded as one family in such matters."



"Surely that distinction is not pertinent," said Julian. "In a larger sense, are not all sentient beings creations of the gods, or as my beliefs have it, of God? And are they not all, therefore, to be regarded as one family in the sense required? A great expounder of my religion, anticipating the coming days of space travel, said, 'Those who are, or can become his sons, are my brothers even if they have tusks or feelers'."



"Well, that's very nice, but note that the Honendo really are biologically related to one another, having all come from the same evolutionary ecology. We and humans did not come from the same ecology and are not really related."



"You're not related to desli or meschottu either, but they can produce luendos, can't they?"



"Yes, but humans cannot."



"Why not?"



"It should be obvious," said Greddil. "You're not our type."



"But don't you see Lewis's point? It's not the physical things that matter. What makes someone a person is the ability to reason and make moral decisions, not how they're shaped or what color they are or what planet they come from!"



"That may be," said Greddil. "But we have no legal precedent for saying so."



* * *



Eight days to go.



Julian said, "Imagine a polity coming together from a state of nature in which individuals of many species are forming a government. They have to make their social system function fairly. They deliberately adopt a veil of blindness -- they do not know, beforehand, which roles they will occupy in the new society. Is it not obvious that they would not institute rules making one species the masters and another slaves? Because with the veil of blindness, they might wind up as the slaves!"



"I see your point without taking its significance," said Greddil.



"People should be treated with a presumption of equality whatever planet they come from. I submit that it is immoral to treat humans differently from honendo based solely on the fact that they are of different species."



"Based on the social contract you envision?" asked Greddil.



"Yes."



"But, you know, societies don't really form that way," he said gently. He began to talk about anthropology.



* * *



Five days to go. "At T minus two days we're going in," said Captain Todd. "It's against my orders and I'll undoubtedly be court-martialed for it. But I don't give a damn if the library gets blown, and I certainly don't care about my career path. I'm not going to stand by and let thousands of innocent people be wiped out. T minus two days, and I'll grab those honendo bastards by the scruff of the neck and make them give us the recall code."



"If the library wipes its memory it may wipe the recall code as well," said Julian.



"Unless one of them already knows it."



"Why would they?"



"To be prepared in case they change their minds!" said the captain. "If I were in their situation, I would want to know the code."



"But you can't be sure."



"No, I can't be sure. But it's a better chance than doing nothing and allowing all those people to die!"



"Perhaps you're right," said Julian. A thought occurred to her. "How, exactly, would you make the priest give up the code?"



"Have you ever heard of waterboarding?"



* * *



Three days to go.



"Tomorrow, if you have not recalled the asteroid, Captain Todd is planning to blast in here, capture you, and get the code out of you," said Julian.



Greddil looked at each of his companions. "Are you referring to the use of military force?"



"Yes."



"The Temple Guard will fight them."



"The Temple Guard will lose." Julian looked down. "Captain Todd didn't want me to say anything, and I haven't told him that I'm telling you this. But I'm telling you because I don't want it to happen! They're planning to torture you on the chance that one of you might know the recall code."



"None of us know it," said Greddil. "It's in the library. And the library will wipe if anyone forces their way in here."



"You will never convince Captain Todd that none of you know the code. Your library will be destroyed and so will each of you if you don't call off the asteroid."



"An argument by the use of force is no argument at all," said Greddil. "It is a logical fallacy. It cannot determine truth."



"I know that! I don't want to see it happen! It wasn't my idea to threaten you! But it's not up to me. Please, I beg you -- save human lives, and honendo lives. Recall the asteroid."



"I'm sorry, not under the threat of force." Greddil smiled. "I was coming to like you, Sister Julian. You plural, I mean; humans. This destroys any respect I had for you. Of course we will not change our minds if threatened. If anything, it will only make us more adamant."



* * *



T minus 51 hours.



Greddil yawned. The priests on either side of him also looked sleepy, with drooping eyelids. "You wish to see us at this ungodly hour?"



"In three hours Captain Todd is going to launch his assault," said Julian. "They didn't want to let me out of the ship; I had to sneak out with the help of a crewman."



"What do you want of us?"



"To recall the asteroid."



"I'm sorry, I see no reason to do so."



Julian said, "Then I will pray until you do." And with that she knelt on the floor and brought her hands together in front of her lips. "Father in Heaven, please move the hard heart of this man to protect your children who are in danger from the unholy wrath of this dead empire. Break their hearts of stone and give them hearts of flesh. Let them know the despair of your children as doom approaches, and let a little love bloom in their hearts. Make them--"



The honendo priests had watched in growing astonishment as Julian prayed. "Here! Here!" said Ahherril, the sociologist and philosopher. "You can't pray to your god in here! This is the Ecumenical Temple! Stop it at once!"




Excerpt from "Cloned to Kill" by Derwin Mak






Lorraine, a clone who has escaped from a cloning lab and sought sanctuary in a church, has been watching a baptism.



Lorraine had been standing by the statue and watching the baptism. A woman wearing a blue jacket and skirt stood with her. Father Markham approached them.



“That was a beautiful ceremony,” the woman said.



Markham said, “Thank you, Sister Clara.” He turned to Lorraine. “What did you think about it?”



“Is it part of the human experience?” Lorraine asked.



“For some humans, it is,” Markham said.



Sister Clara said, “I’m going to call the Big Chicken Coop. What do you want?”



“The usual,” Father Markham said.



“The roast quarter chicken dinner,” said Lorraine.



“Gravy with your French fries again?” Clara asked.



“Gravy,” said Father Markham.



“I will have baked potato with sour cream instead of the French fries,” Lorraine said.



“Money,” Clara demanded.



“Oh, yes,” Markham said as he gave his money card to Clara. “It’s still got fifty dollars.”



“That should be enough,” the nun said as she took the card. “I’ll call the Big Chicken Coop and go pick up the order. I’ll be back soon.”



She turned to Lorraine. “Place the plates and knives and forks on the table, like I showed you, will you?” Lorraine nodded. Clara left for her car, leaving Lorraine alone with Father Markham.



“Is it true that only humans can be baptized?” Lorraine asked. “Sister Clara told me that you do not baptize animals or equipment.”



Father Markham had noticed that when Lorraine was fighting, she spoke in an angry, emotional tone. But when she was calm, she spoke in an emotionless monotone. She never seemed happy, and she never smiled. This had to be due to a life without family, friends, and schoolmates, a life of only neuro-programming and combat training, Markham thought. “That’s true, only human beings can be baptized,” Markham replied.



“Was the baby human before he was baptized?”



“Of course, he was.”



“Then why does he need to be baptized if he was already human?” Lorraine asked.



“While it’s true that only humans can be baptized, baptism does not make someone human,” Markham explained. “Baptism is for people who are already human. It’s a ceremony of purification and entry into the Christian community.”



“Purification? Was that baby impure?”



“In a limited sense. He was born with original sin. The baptism is a remission of original sin.”



“Original sin. I read about it in L'Osservatore Romano in your library. Sister Clara talked about it with me. It is a general condition of sinfulness into which all humans are born. However, I am not sure how it exists and works,” Lorraine said. “Unlike you, I was not born from humans. I was cloned from a donor’s cell. Do I have original sin?”



“I think you do, and for once, I think that’s wonderful,” Markham said.



“Wonderful? How can being sinful be wonderful?”



“Because it means you’re human.”



“Only inside this church. I am non-human outside it,” Lorraine said. She paused for a moment and asked, “Father, if I am truly human, will you baptize me?”



She was unsmiling and unemotional as usual when she asked about baptism. She did not fully appreciate people’s feelings for life’s milestones. Not yet.



“I’ll baptize you if you are willing to learn and join the Christian community. The choice is yours.”



“Perhaps I can do that. I will read more articles in L'Osservatore Romano.”



“You might have to read more than L'Osservatore Romano,” Markham said. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you recite the names of the sacred monkeys in the Vatican.”



“If the monkeys in the Vatican are sacred, have they been baptized?” asked Lorraine.



Markham wondered if Lorraine had developed a sense of humor.



***



The rectory was in a house separated from the church but still within the church grounds. In the rectory, Father Markham, Sister Clara, and Lorraine again dined on take-out food from the Big Chicken Coop.



“What do you say when I pass the bread to you?” Markham asked.



Lorraine took the basket of bread. “Thank you?”



“That’s right. You’re learning.”



Lorraine bit into the bun.



Father Markham felt happy about Lorraine’s progress. Her neuro-programming and combat training had included no social graces, but she was learning them faster than he had expected.



“So how was your day?” Clara asked.



“Why do you need to know?” Lorraine said in her flat, emotionless tone.



“It’s just something people do when they eat together. They make ‘small talk,’ harmless conservation about things that happened,” explained Clara.



“Oh, okay,” Lorraine said. “I heard the voice in my head again.”



“Do you recognize the voice? Do you know whose it is yet?”



“No, I do not. All I know is that it is a man’s voice.”



Father Markham took a sip of wine. “Does it remind you of a voice you heard during neuro-programming?”



“I do not remember.”



“Could it be an instructor at the mercenary training camp?”



“No, it is not one of them. They are within my recent memory. I would remember them.”



After the dinner, Father Markham brought a decanter of port to the table. Drinking port after dinner was a tradition of Canadian military officers’ messes.



“May I have some port too?” Lorraine asked.



Father Markham shook his head. “You’re too young. Do you want coffee or tea?”



Lorraine shook her head and stood up. “No, I will go back into the church and look at the statue.”



“Don’t leave the church grounds,” Father Markham said. “The Clymene Biogenesis people might try to capture you.”



“I can protect myself if they try to capture me,” Lorraine said.



“I know you can,” said Markham. “It’s your enemies I’m worried about.”



“All right,” said Lorraine as she left the room.



As Sister Clara poured some port into her glass, she said, “She seems to like that statue of St. Joan of Arc. I think she identifies with St. Joan after reading about her in The Lives of the Saints.”



“Like St. Joan, she hears voices in her head,” Father Markham observed.



“At least she doesn’t think it’s God’s voice. We get enough people hearing Him,” said Clara.



“I suspect the voice is someone she remembers from her neuro-programming. I’ve heard of other neuro-programmed and force-grown clones experiencing voices or visions. Some of them become mentally ill due to the way they grow up. After Lorraine was created, her creators force-grew her to a sixteen-year-old size in five months, and she learned eight years of primary schooling in six months of neuro-programming.



He sipped his port. “What she doesn’t have is all the people and experiences that develop a teenager’s mind: family, friends, schoolmates, or any memories of childhood or adolescence. She has none except the cloning hatchery and the mercenary training camp.



“In addition, clones are brainwashed into slavish devotion to a specific role, usually dangerous or low-paid jobs, like uranium miner, landmine sweeper, garbage picker, or prostitute.”



“But Lorraine’s different. She’s the first of her kind, an elite combat soldier,” Clara said.



“Yes, a soldier who can get killed without any pensions or payments to a surviving family,” Father Markham said. “She’s the perfect expendable human. Sorry, non-human.”



He shook his head. “Have we come to this: creating people just so they can kill? Or just so they can die?”



“You were a military chaplain,” Clara said. “Is creating a clone any worse than recruiting and conscripting people into the military, where they may also be forced to kill or die?”



“No, that’s different,” Markham said. “Society considers natural-born people to be human, and they keep all the rights of a human being and citizenship when they join the military. They have the free will that God gave them. Even a conscript can disobey orders that are illegal. I told my soldiers that it was their duty to refuse any orders that violate the laws of armed conflict.”



He put down his glass. “We treat clones differently. They have no human rights, and they don’t have any rights of citizenship. And we neuro-program, brainwash, and train them so they won’t have any free will, just an urge to obey us.”



“Not Lorraine,” Clara said. “She escaped from the mercenary training camp because she wanted a different life.”



“She resisted her programming and training,” said Markham. “Something must have gone wrong in the factory.”



“Perhaps,” said Clara. “She got some rather intense training, though. I’m amazed that she hasn’t attacked us.”



Father Markham grinned. “She came here on Victoria Day, when I was wearing my medals for the parade. I must have imprinted on her mind as a military officer, and therefore, a commander.



“But she hears voices that aren’t there, so I don’t know how long I can control her.”