Pius Politics

I mentioned politics in the last post, and I meant to really get on that a little more, but I sort of drifted away from politics and into my general temperament, which impacts my politics, but doesn't spell out what the bleep they are, or how they show up in my novel, A Pius Man. 

As I said before, I lean libertarian-right. More laws just means that the government can screw you over in more and more various and sundry ways, so I'm wary on laws for the "common good." I won't say kill all the lawyers, but I think tort reform can do that easily enough. Unfortunately, like most people, I'm a bit schizophrenic. I dislike the premise of feeding Moloch, but there are certain people I really want to remove themselves from the gene pool. I'm a New Yorker who thinks everyone should own a handgun, a rifle and a shotgun. I think drugs a really, really bad idea, but hey, legalize them -- the more people who get high, the more Darwin awards we can hand out.... except for PCP, not even drug dealers will sell that crap anymore, as a general rule. 

Like libertarians, there are a lot of things I don't personally believe in, and wouldn't recommend, but I'm leaving the fate of your own soul between you and God. Enjoy.

I generally despise politics with the burning passion of a thousand suns. The government should leave me alone unless I need actual aid -- like someone has broken into my house and I've run out of bullets.

So, of course, since I truly loathe politics, A Pius Man happens to be the most politically charged book I've ever written. With the overall topic of Pius XII, I do take a side. I believe my conclusions are obvious based on my research. 

However, the political portions of the book are discussions, not rants. And the politics are driven more by the characters than by me.

For example...

Sean A.P. Ryan. Mercenary. Believes in the free market system, heavy weaponry, and grew up in Hollywood: therefore he has lived his entire life swimming out of a Leftist cesspool, and dove into the chlorinated waters of libertarianism. When queried on his political affiliations, he would say, “I believe people should be able to own marijuana and machine guns. I will laugh at the marijuana crowd, but if I have my guns, I'm happy.”

Scott Murphy. He's a spy who huts down terrorists for a living. His politics: “I believe in the power of waterboarding. But I'd sooner talk terrorists to death. It's more painful in the long run. When you can talk them into revealing everything they know, kill them, move up the chain of command. Repeat until they're willing to be peaceful, or they are peacefully dead.” He's an accountant by training, so his first thought is how to steal terrorist money.

Giovanni Figlia. Cop. His father was blown up by a Red Army faction in the 1980s, so he has a grudge against extreme, gun-toting Leftists. Aside from that, his politics are: “I have to protect the most powerful religious leader on the planet, and he insists on pissing off nearly one-third of the world's population. Leave me alone and let me do my job.”

Pope Pius XIII (Born: Joshua Kutjok): Hard right-wing. Has all but declared war on the Sudan. Thoroughly dislikes tyrannies, which means North Korea and China dislike him right back. “I am against abortion, gays being married in my church, and contraceptives are against the religion. Then again, you should only have sex with the person you marry, so abortion and contraceptives shouldn't be needed. However, my homeland of Sudan is going through thirty years of religious and ethnic warfare, I have better things to do than deal with whining hedonists!”

Father Francis Williams, S.J.: “I'm a Jesuit transfering into the Opus Dei. I speak six languages and I can kill people with my rosary beads … what was your question?”

Maureen McGrail. Interpol. “I'm too busy being shot at to have a political opinion. Leave me alone.”

Secret Service Agent Wilhelmina Goldberg: As a special adviser to anyone who wants the Secret Service to audit their security, she has been all over, and her political opinion is simple. “At the end of the day, America looks good by comparison.”

Hashim Abasi: Oxford Educated in global politics. Egyptian police officer. His name translates into “Stern Crusher of Evil.” He survived the "Arab Spring," and the military coup that follows. His general politics are "Can I do my job now? Please? Thank you."

The above characters have more influence over how the political discussions go than I do. So, the topics will be... interesting.

So, have enough fun yet? Just click here, and you can preorder it.

And, if you've done that....

The Dragon Awards are open and ready for nominations, and I have a list of suggestions you might want to take a look at. If you already  have a good idea of what you want, just click here to go and vote for them. The instructions are right there.

Or: sign up for my mailing list in order to get free stuff.

The Love at First Bite series. 

    

Alt-Pius Politics

I actually did this post, once upon a time, when dinosaurs walked the Earth and I thought there was some semblance of sanity kicking around, and would be back in popular fashion after Obama left office. 

Nope. Sorry. Obviously, that didn't happen. Last week, we had the meltdown of "China Mike" Glyer and File 770 after Larry Correia took him to the woodshed. We had a Bernie Sanders psycho shoot up some Republican politicians at a ball game, and democrats trying to simultaneously 1) Disavow all responsibility for it 2) Blame Trump, 3)Try to blame guns for the shooting and 4) Laugh at shooting Republicans. All in the same week.

So, no, to quote Chico Marx, "everybody knows that there is a no sanity clause" ... especially in politics.

Myself? Most days, I'm somewhere between small-l libertarian or conservative. Most of the time, my politics boil down to "leave me alone, and no one gets hurts."

But I'm not really Alt-right. I'm certainly not control Left. There are days I'm almost Ctrl+A, Del. Because, good God, "kill 'em all and let God sort them out" really does sound like an action plan.

But no, I'm not a nihilist. I'm at once too Catholic and not energetic enough. Though the world continues to show me just how justified I am in my borderline misanthropic tendencies. I mean, let's face it, the standard response to a terrorist response should be a calm, reasoned investigation, finding the people behind it -- the planners, the money men, etc -- and kill every last one of them in horrific ways that will make anyone who has similar ideas think three or four times about doing the same thing ever again. Heck, if I were in charge after 9-11 ... well, I'm relatively certain that I wouldn't be as calm and as collected as Tom Kratman's response in A Desert Called Peace. And that series includes torturing journalists to death for supporting terrorists, and mining the perimeter of a city, starving them out, including the women and children.

As I've said elsewhere, my overwhelming sin is wrath.

But this is why I don't write anything like that. I'm depressed enough by this insanity we call reality on a daily basis, I don't necessarily need it in my day to day life. I'm already depressive. I don't write nihilistic crap, I don't read it, and I'm easily annoyed with people who see nihilism as some sort of superior art form. I'm also Catholic, nihilism isn't our beat.

Oddly enough, I'm probably more of a romantic than anything else. Pick ... almost any of my books, sooner or later, you'll probably trip over a Thermopolae situation of 100-1 odds, love conquering all, and righteous fury is a positive tool for going just that little bit farther as you're being beaten to death by a 2x4.

...Hell, forget book series, you could say that summarizes several plot points in A Pius Man alone.

I guess I'm just an idealist who hates that the world wouldn't live up to the standard of. ... anything.

But, yeah. My politics don't lend itself to nihilism, though there are days that I think "genocide" is a viable military option. Thankfully, no one ever listens to me.

So, have enough fun yet? Just click here, and you can preorder it.

And, if you've done that....

The Dragon Awards are open and ready for nominations, and I have a list of suggestions you might want to take a look at. If you already  have a good idea of what you want, just click here to go and vote for them. The instructions are right there.

Or: sign up for my mailing list in order to get free stuff.

The Love at First Bite series. 

    

1000 Posts Later: The Best Posts Of the Blog

And now we're here. And now we're at post #1000.

Who knew?

Now what?

Well, as per tradition, I note all of the top ten blogs of all time.

1. Who would Captain America vote for? An election special.

Four years later, this is still on the list. Originally from the 2012 election, I this one was probably carried more by Alex Ross art than anything else. But it's still going strong as the #1 blog of all time.

This was fun. I was just going over the top and insane.

But here, Captain America punching Hitler in the face.

Can we have one of Captain America punching Osama in the face? Really. Pretty please?

Yeah, I know, I should probably do this again for 2016, but no. Have you seen the cesspit of this election? No one would vote for either one of these people. I think even Captain America would punch both of them in the face. Repeatedly. The 2016 election would make Tony Stark run for President as a 3rd party candidate, and win.

2. Sad Puppies Bite Back

From April of last year, and it jumped to the #2 spot immediately. This is so successful, I made this into a novel. Yes, it's a book now. Please, feel free to to buy it.

If you have no idea what SPBB is ... click here. It is a really, really, really long flipping story. It was a one-shot that spiraled so far out of control, I really didn't see the end of it.

But people are still coming to the blog just to read them.  Well, here you go, enjoy. 

3. Sex, DC Comics, and ... wtf?

Yup, it's still in the #3 spot, and shows no signs of leaving. Ever, really.

This was right after the dawn of DC's New 52 Universes in 2011, when the comics had gone into a sideways spiral of strange. 

Catwoman screwing Batman on a roof? Check. 

Starfire becoming an amnesiac slut? Check .... except that they're not even that clear, and backtracked, rewrote, and I'm not even sure that DC Comics know what the hell they were doing then. 

I think this the popularity of this had something to do with sex being in the title. You don't even want to see what the search terms look like.

4. Disasters to Marvel At: A Comic Discussion.

From 2010, I ripped apart with every stupid decision that Marvel comics had made for the previous 5 years.  Sadly, some of those decisions are still going strong. But it's hard to figure out which ones. 

Except for One More Day. F**k that, and them, and Joe Quesada.

I think I have to do this again. Because, well, Captain America as Hydra. Gah.

Seriously, Marvel, stop it.

I'm told that OMD might be reversed. I'm not holding my breath, though.

5. Review: Tom Stranger, Interdimensional Insurance Agent.

Yay, we have a new one. Yes, a new entry. who knew? But yes, this was the review of Larry Correia's really strange audio book, narrated by the awesome Adam Baldwin.

This was almost bizarre and hilarious, and the entire review exploded onto the top ten list in a matter of days, and it took a little while longer for it to make it to the number 5 spot.

But yes, I do recommend it. It's hilarious.

Also, Wendell the Manatee.

6. Sad Puppies Bite Back (Part 2)

This one is still on the list. Again, as new as last year, but still, it's here. And, obviously, you do need to buy the book to read the whole thing now, sorry.

Historically, though, this is where things started going really odd. And I probably should have seen it coming that things were going to really go sideways ... "sideways" as in "The Puppies have taken over my blog."  I think part one got suggestions of nominating this for a "Best related" award from the Hugos. 

I would have enjoyed watching the Puppy Kickers go insane. But we can't have everything. 

Oh well. Heh. 

7. Cry Havoc! And Let Slip the Puppies of War!

From April of 2015, this was after Entertainment Weekly's libelous article about Sad Puppies, written and published without talking to anyone within Sad Puppies. At all. Yes, really.

Believe it or not, in retrospect, this was not what got me really into the Sad Puppies bandwagon. That was when someone decided to go after Brad Torgersen's wife. Then, then I had a meltdown, and decided someone needed a stern talking to.

8. #MakeItStop -- please, make the stupid stop

From this June, 2016. This is months old. Heck, in the course of a week, this shot up.

This is what happens with the use of hashtags.

I'm still blown away that, well, this was a political post. I don't do politics here. I tend to avoid them. I'm surprised anyone bothered.

And all I did was round up arguments I've seen others make online. 

Funny thing? The douchebags whining in the comments are pretty much invalidated by the existence of the truck attack last week in Nice, France.

Shocking, huh?

9. Puppies Come to WorldCon (SPBB III)

Still here from last year. This was going to be The End. Period. Dot. Final. The last straw. The Puppies were going to come to the Hugos, and it would have to end there. Why? Because there would be nothing left for me to write until the Hugos came out. It was a perfect out, right? Right?

Yes. And that worked soooo well.

10. The Dragon Awards are Here, vote Early, Vote Often.

This was a simple announcement about the Dragon Award nominees from this year. That was it. This also made it on the top ten list in a matter of weeks, if not days.

Looking over this list, I've come to the conclusion ... that I should probably make this blog all about sex, Sad Puppies, politics, book reviews, and comic books.  But then, I reach that conclusion every few hundred posts or so.  We'll see about doing that sometime next time around.

Sadly, I'm all out of Puppy material. Tomorrow, more Codename: UnSub.

Enjoy.

900 Posts later

Yup, it's blog number 900. Who knew I would last this long?

One of the things I do at this point is to note all of the top ten blogs of all time.

Though of course, first, I'm going to remind everyone that the Dragon Awards are still out there, and they're they still need voting on. So, get to it. Click here, and have fun.  If you need some suggestions, I have some for you right here.

Now, as far as the top ten biggest blogs of all time are concerned....

1. Who would Captain America vote for? An election special.

From the 2012 election, I think this one was carried more by Alex Ross art than anything else. But it's still going strong as the #1 blog of all time.

This was fun. I was just going over the top and insane.

But here, Captain America punching Hitler in the face.

Can we have one of Captain America punching Osama in the face?

2. Sad Puppies Bite Back

From April of last year. Leaped to the #2 spot immediately.

If you have no idea what SPBB is ... click the Sad Puppy Tab above. It is a really, really, really long flipping story. It was a one-shot that spiraled so far out of control, I really don't see the end of it. But people are still coming to the blog just to read them.  I may be doing a little more with this along the way.

How?  Heh heh heh.

3. Sex, DC Comics, and ... wtf?

Yup, it's still in the #3 spot. Right after the dawn of DC's New 52 Universes in 2011, the comics had gone into a sideways spiral of strange. 

Catwoman screwing Batman on a roof? Check. 

Starfire becoming an amnesiac slut? Check .... except that they're not even that clear, and backtracked, rewrote, and I'm not even sure that DC Comics know what the hell they were doing then. 

I think this the popularity of this had something to do with sex being in the title. You don't even want to see what the search terms look like.

4. Disasters to Marvel At: A Comic Discussion.

From 2010, I ripped apart with every stupid decision that Marvel comics had made for the previous 5 years.  Sadly, some of those decisions are still going strong. But it's hard to figure out which ones. 

Except for One More Day. F**k that, and them, and Joe Quesada.

I think I have to do this again. Because, well, Captain America as Hydra. Gah.

Seriously, Marvel, stop it.

5. Sad Puppies Bite Back (Part 2)

This is where things started going really odd. And I probably should have seen it coming that things were going to really go sideways ... "sideways" as in "The Puppies have taken over my blog."  I think part one got suggestions of nominating this for a "Best related" award from the Hugos. 

I would have enjoyed watching the Puppy Kickers go insane. But we can't have everything. 

Oh well. Heh. 

6. Cry Havoc! And Let Slip the Puppies of War!

From Apr of 2015, this was after Entertainment Weekly's libelous article about Sad Puppies, written and published without talking to anyone within Sad Puppies. At all. Yes, really.

Believe it or not, in retrospect, this was not what got me really into the Sad Puppies bandwagon. That was when someone decided to go after Brad Torgersen's wife. Then, then I had a meltdown, and decided someone needed a stern talking to.

7. #MakeItStop -- please, make the stupid stop

From this June, 2016. This is a month old. Heck, in the course of a week, this shot up. This is what happens with the use of hashtags.

I'm still blown away that, well, this was a political post. I don't do politics here. I tend to avoid them. I'm surprised anyone bothered.

And all I did was round up arguments I've seen others make online. 

Funny thing? The douchebags whining in the comments are pretty much invalidated by the existence of the truck attack last week in Nice, France.

Shocking, huh?

8. Review: Tom Stranger: Interdimensional Insurance Agent.

This one hit the top ten most popular posts on the blog within 24 hours of being posted.

This is what happens when authors like your reviews.

Who knew?

9. Puppies Come to WorldCon (SPBB III)

Still here from last year. This was going to be The End. Period. Dot. Final. The last straw. The Puppies were going to come to the Hugos, and it would have to end there. Why? Because there would be nothing left for me to write until the Hugos came out. It was a perfect out, right? Right?

Yes. And that worked well.

10. Strong Female Character Problems

This is from April. The entire problem of waif-fu: where tiny little girls beat up 6'5" men. No. That doesn't work. Period.

How did this make it to the top ten? Was it that good? Maybe.

It made it to Castalia House's "radar sweep" -- they liked it enough to put it up on a roundup.

Next time, let's not have tiny little girls beating up on guys about the size of Larry Correia, huh?

Looking over this list, I've come to the conclusion ... that I should probably make this blog all about sex, Sad Puppies, politics, book reviews, and comic books.  But then, I reach that conclusion every few hundred posts or so.  We'll see about doing that sometime next time around.

Sadly, I'm all out of Puppy material. Oh well. Maybe something will blow up next week.

On Brussels, or Kill Them All

My apologies for not commenting on this sooner, but I wanted more data to work with.

Terrorists should die.

All of them.

The Geneva Convention says so.

Didn't know that, did you?

In the great old tradition of the, well, Traditional Rules of Warfare, anyone who wasn't in a uniform, but acting on behalf of an opposing enemy, caught in your territory? Those were spies. You shot them. No trial, no rules, you just shot them in the head, or the chest, or in the gut if you're feeling vindictive.

The role of spies and keeping them alive is a relatively new concept, brought to you by the Cold War. Everyone wanted to get their spies back. Spies became political chess pieces. They became useful beyond spying.

Before that? Spies could have had anything done to them, and no one would have blinked.

A lot of the Geneva Convention seems to be, at least superficially, a codification of the traditional rules of warfare.  Only the language that they use is "illegal combatants" -- does that term sound familiar? It should. That's what almost every terrorist is. If one is not clearly labeled as one side or another -- or if clearly and deliberately mislabeled for purposes of shenanigans -- then that person is toast. Because Illegal combatants HAVE NO RIGHTS under the Geneva convention. Sadly, Saddam's army would have had better luck if they kept their uniforms on ... well, those who weren't in hiding because a war crimes tribunal would have strung them up.

Let's be clear here, shall we? The Islamofascists want us to die. They won't be happy until either we die, or they do. I'd rather it be them.

That's pretty much it. Now I don't generally advocate the standard "kill them all" approach, but I do prefer that we climb the tree. It worked for Osama bin Laden. We got a high ranking commander, we got a courier, poured water down their nose while hanging them upside down, terrified the crap out of them, and climbed the ranks.

My only suggestion would be find a terrorist, find the next step up the chain of command, confiscate as much of their cash as possible (because money buys all sorts of explosives), kill that level of the chain, move up to the next round. Or kill them later, either way.

If you want the really short version, read Tom Kratman's Desert Called Peace and Carnifex, which are two solid books on the nature of this enemy and how they should be fought. And killed.

As for other countries, well, I won't say "If you're not with us, you're with the terrorists," but if you're gonna be neutral, be ACTIVELY neutral. Swiss-level neutral. And the Swiss do NOT like people screwing with their neutrality. Act on behalf of some other country while in Switzerland, they will throw you in jail as fast as they can get their hands on you.

So too should "neutral" countries if they want to be truly neutral. "Hey, France, you've got jihadis in your suburbs? Throw them out. You don't even need to arrest them, just don't harbor the little bastards. Okay? Thanks."

But there are no de facto neutral countries, not realistically, and definitely not in the long run. Think about it, the standard Islamofascist has two categories: themselves, and everyone else. You're either with the terrorists, or on their target list. Hell, even ISIS and al-Qaeda hate each other. If they can't coexist to kill non-Islamofascists, what makes anyone else think that they won't be next?

Realistically, no one can be neutral in a war against Islamofascism. Either these guys die, or they kill you. Normally, there would be a third option for forced conversion or being taxed into poverty UNTIL you convert, but ISIS doesn't seem to have that on the agenda. They just seem to be in raping and beheading. (Most Islamofascists don't seem to be interested in anything that might benefit them. When Israel left the West Bank and Gaza, the locals trashed everything of value left behind. Because "It's Israeli." No one thought to use anything for their own benefit, because they'd rather die than use Israeli technology or shops. Because they hate Israel and the West more than they like themselves. They would sooner buy weapons than food.)

And for the record, I know that Islam considers an infidel becoming a Muslim a "reversion," as they believe everyone is really a Muslim to start with, but no. I'm Catholic. Always been Catholic. Will probably always be Catholic. If you have a problem with this, feel free to come visit me at 938 West 35th street, Manhattan, New York. Otherwise, take it up with someone who cares.

No one who takes the enemy at its word can be logically neutral. But the amount of people who had dismissed Islamofascism for most of the 20th century are legion.

Or, to paraphrase the immortal words of John Adams: "Islamofascists have declared us in a state of open and total war. Why the bloody hell can't we?"  This is not The Mouse that Roared, where a country the size of the Vatican declares war on us and then fights with bows and arrows. These people strap bombs to their women, their children, their brothers and their sisters, and gleefully send them to their deaths.The Islamofascist is one who believes in dying more than they believe in living, and all I suggest is that we accommodate them. Is that so much to ask?

With Brussels, Europe is once more reminded that they're not neutral. And no, don't blame the refugee crisis, this goes back so much further than Syria and ISIS. Two of the bombers were born in Brussels. This was a seed planted long ago.

But, unlike the Swiss, Europe generally treats neutrality as something that happens because they say so. Switzerland has only been able to stay neutral because everyone banks there, and the entire country is a natural walled off location (their walls are called "The alps") and everybody in the country has a freaking NATO automatic rifle. Screw with the Swiss, and they just go into the mountains and snipe at you until you run out of either money or blood.

The rest of Europe? They don't have that defense.

The first thing Europe should do is establish border control and create Ellis Island. Yes, I said Ellis Island. Remember, Ellis was created to quarantine folks coming into the country, screen them for diseases, and to find out if the people coming in were the people they wanted to come in. Step 1 would be to do that for the Syrian "refugees." Yes, I put that in quotes. The UN says that they're mostly women and children. The individual countries say that they're mostly fighting-age men.  In the event that the individual countries are right, they should really screen the refugees carefully. Once it has been decided that the individual in question is A) really a refugee and B) not someone who will blow the place up, then and only then should they make the decision to let them back into the country. And all the interrogators should be women. Let's face it, if the men object to the women interrogating them, and get violent over that, send them back to deal with ISIS. If they can't put up with the "discomfort" of a female authority figure to escape the ISIS rampage, they can go back and deal with ISIS on their own.

Step two is to start actual investigations of organizations suspected of supporting terrorism, or tracing funds of same. This isn't rocket science, people. It really isn't.

The Catholic Geek: Superbowl Edition

The Catholic Geek: Superbowl Edition



Host Declan Finn once against tackles a broadcast all by himself by completely ignoring the Superbowl, but does stop to make fun of Liz Bourke of Tor, Marvel's tv shows, and deliver some news about Deadpool, the Hugos, and maybe even do a reading from his work. Again.

Tom Kratman, ISIS, The Return of Sean AP Ryan, and the cast of The Pius Trilogy

Yes, I'm still in Indiana. Otherwise, I would have posted something yesterday.

So, I recently got fan mail that asked me when I was getting back to the world of Sean A.P. Ryan (professional nutjob) & Co. And it was more of a when, not if question. There was a mention of Voodoo curses, so I'm not taking any chances.

Recently, I posted about pornstars, and mentioned how I researched "adult entertainment" because I wanted to put Sean in the most uncomfortable position I could find.

That was actually going to be book 3.  Because book 2 was going to be about Sean Ryan running security for a Natalia Boatman, a young scifi actress who was going to Harvard. Because there was no relation, at all, to Natalie Portman. Really.  There would be terrorists who want to kill her ... mostly because she's Israeli, and a high-profile target. Oh, and yeah, her uncle has heard about it, and he wants to sort the situation ... oh yeah, and he happens to be a semi-retired Mossad hitman.

And did I mention that there would be a mercenary involved who appeared in It Was Only on Stun!?

And that's part of the problem.  There are few people who like Stun!  Surprisingly enough, it's one of my least reviewed books, and the one with the most mixed reviews. So there's little incentive to finish that trilogy.

However, I do have another idea for the continued career of not only Sean AP Ryan, but also the entire cast of The Pius Trilogy.  And one that might be more up-to-date given his post-Pius career.

Simple premise: After Pius, there's a new President in charge, and he is nowhere like President Barry. If you're read A Pius Stand, you probably know who the new guy is.  But the short version is that he is not a fan of standard business as usual practices.  After a terrorist attack, said President wants to assemble an armed NGO that will hunt down and kill terrorists, steal their money, and use that money to bankroll doing the same thing over and over again.  And it would be led by "the most relentless, determined, psychotic son of a bitch" that he can find.

No points for guessing who said psycho is.

And you can probably guess who the team he assembles is going to be.

If you're a Baen reader, this might sound a little familiar.  Very slightly familiar. There is a passing similarity in that terrorist-hunting duties are handed off to a private contractor. But since Tom Kratman is a former Lt. Colonel and is essentially a one-man think tank on waging warfare, and I'm a schlub from New York who's only fired two guns in his entire life .... one apiece ... these are going to be two very different outcomes.  Less military / war novel, and more Monster Hunter International  for hunting terrorists.

It's one way to take it. And given ISIS lately? Sounds pretty darned timely to me.

Actually, doing the Impossible Missions Fund effects a space opera I was working on.  Why? Because Sean AP Ryan was not the first Sean Ryan I created.  The first Sean Ryan was of the 2300s (or was it the 3300s?) in said space opera.  Either way, setting up the IMFund creates a family business for later on.

Anyway, welcome to the dark recesses of my brain, and what's coming down the pipe later on.

#SadPuppies 4 -- Biting Back

Apparently, to get a coveted Sad Puppies​ nomination, it helps if I have more than just my hat in the ring.  Votes help. Who knew?

And yes, coveted. As in I would really, really like it. Thank you.

Now, it was suggested to me many moons ago that my parody series Sad Puppies Bite Back could qualify for fan writer *or* Best Related work.

So, if you fondly recall Sad Puppies Bite Back, please swing by and vote. I'm hoping that some of the people whom I SWATted might want to kick in a few votes.

I don't know if either Wright recalls it. And I can't imagine Lt. Col Kratman wanting to play.  Brad Torgersen gave me some advice a few months back, as did Katie Paulk, but I haven't reached out to them for support in this. And I suspect the phrase "Undo influence" might be tossed around if I tried.

And, SOMEbody submitted Honor At Stake for best novel. I wouldn't have insisted on it ... but someone thought it was a good idea, so, maybe? If you think it's worthwhile? If you liked either SPBB or Honor at Stake and think either is something to be spread around, could you please go to the official Sad Puppies page and say so?

Yes, there's a reason I use this meme alot.

The Wrong Kind of Laugh: Hugos as Joke

It has come to my attention that we of the Sad Puppies are taking the “True Fan” Puppy Kickers, far, far too seriously. Once, I joked that I was the Sad Puppy comedy corner with my Sad Puppies Bite Back series, Tom Knighton pointed out to methat I fit right in. After all, the spokes-critter was a Manatee for God's sake – all the Tweets were some variety of “Hooonnn.”

And for all that, we're still taking them too seriously.

I've seen multiple reactions to the Hugo awards ceremony. Tom Kratman said, “Yes!” Larry shrugged and said “I told you so.” Ringo said “So glad to have all my previous statements about the Hugos proven right. There is no point to tilting a diseased windmill.” Vox Day was happy to get five No Awards. Tom Kratman wanted even more. Cedar Sanderson makes me wonder if she's joining WitSec.

One reaction I have not seen was laughter.

Sure, they threw insults at us. But I've been a fat, nerdy, Conservative Catholic New Yorker for years, if I let insults bother me, I'd have slit my wrists already.

But let's look at this – They had a Dalek come out to present the award for Best Dramatic Presentation (Short form), and a Dalek announces that it was a fan of John Scalzi, Puppy Kicker -in Chief…

Could I have a show of hands? How many people would want their spokes-critter to be a genocidal alien Space Nazi? 

This is like atheists getting a personal endorsement by Satan. This is Planned Parenthood getting a quote from Moloch. I'd really rather not get an endorsement by Adolf Hitler, thank you.

These “True Fans” thought it was a *good idea* to get an endorsement from one of the most famously evil creatures in science fiction. Hell, if they had said “Vox Day,” that would have at least fit the theme they had going of Vox as Supreme Dark Lord. Since Daleks run on hate, it would have fit Larry's joke of being the International Lord thereof.

But no, they picked a Dalek for a fan. Nice going, “True Fans.” Do you idiots even watch Doctor Who? Or did you figure that it was nominated every year, then google it to find the first thing that came up?

Sad Puppies Bite Back XV: Bite Harder

If you are new here, this is part of a series. The whole series is collected at the Sad Puppies Tab Above

This is the end.  It's over.  The Hugo awards were announced this past Saturday, and the votes are in. It's done.

Wow.  Who knew you could carry a joke this far?

There are some more SWATting incidents I typed up, mainly because one person was ready-made, and one person made an offhand comment that I felt compelled to follow up on.  I would have SWATted John C. Wright earlier, but between the problem of trying to SWAT a brain in a jar, and having never read him, I had nothing to go on until I interviewed him for the show.

Now, a word on Vox Day / Theodore Beale.  He's ... a nerd.

I saw him speak during a webinar giving commentary on the Hugos.  A woman I watched with? Called him cuddly.  He supports the Wrights' superversive fiction movement, and ....

I was promised Darth Vader, damnit!  I got Dark Helmet!

Funny thing, Vox pretty much called the results from the other day as the Webinar started.  Then again, he almost sounded surprised about how vicious they were against the Sad Puppy nominees.

Anyway, and now, for the final time ....

UNLEASH THE PUPPIES.

John C. Wright

"The Brain"

[SWAT kicks door in, swarms house. In the front den is John C. Wright, the living brain in a jar, pounding out a novel using telekinesis.]

[JCW keeps typing]  Can I help you gentlemen? You could have knocked you know, it would have been possible that I would have even invited you in and explained the situation; though I had expected it much much sooner than this.

[SWAT team looks confused.  SWAT #1 looks at JCW.] We had reports of --

[JCW] --a deranged man waving a gun around, I know; I had figured; after all, it was inevitable, giving the current climate in which we reside. After the first few threats to my livelihood, I've managed to become accustomed to this level of stupidity and hostility that has been thrust upon me by the reprobates at Tor Books and the Morlocks who follow them.  We will not even discuss the loathsome comments of one Irene Gallo. Just because I dared to be unapologetically Catholic; I'm becoming tired of this general destructive nature of the luecrottas.  Somehow, I am a racist, though Catholicism is not a racial characteristic but a spiritual one, and sainthood is not an inherited characteristic.

[SWAT #1] Well, um, sir --?

[JCW] Yes, I'm a sir. I may be a brain, but I'm not gender-neutral.

[SWAT #1] We should probably leave now.  Obviously, someone made a mistake.

[JCW] By all means, leave. But there was no mistake. After all, look up the imbecility of the situation online, you'll learn that this was quite deliberate.  Just ignore anything that attaches me to GamerGate -- the only gamer who has read my work is one Daddy Warpig. Were I a pagan, I'm certain that I would erect a suitable shrine to Daddy Warpig, a stepped pyramid rising from the steaming jungles of Mexico, adorned with larger-than-life marble statues of raging boars coated with hammered gold, on which to sacrifice captive foes, and offer their still beating hearts to his glory!  AH hahahahahahaha!

[SWAT team looks decidedly uncomfortable.]

[JCW] Of course, I'm joking. It is almost depressing that I am required to say that to be understood.

[SWAT] Goodbyem sir.

[JCW] Good day, all.

[JCW  continues to pound out his novel, starring Vatican ninjas, Aslan in powered armor, fighting Kaiju demons]

Yeah, I've been told for quite some time that I had to include JCW in my SWATting, it just took me a while to figure out a way to properly pull it off.  And, yes, I did C&P a lot of his text from the attached links, but that's because he has such a distinct style of speaking, I wanted to nail it down. 

Penny "Kitteh Dragon" Redford

[SWAT opens door. It was unlocked. They charge in. SWAT leader accidentally kicks a small cat. Cat seems to be completely unharmed as it lands on its feet with a heavy thud, as though it was a heavier animal. SWAT sweeps and clears the home. They regroup in the living room.]

[SWAT #1] Did dispatch give us the wrong address?

[SWAT #2] I don't think so.

[SWAT #1 squints at a sign on the wall]  What's that? "Don't feed the kitty-dragon"? What the hell is a that? Sounds like something a kid would make up.

[Cat pads it way to center of room, and open its mouth wide, as though it's yawning, and then breathes fire, singing the nearest SWAT members.]

[SWAT #1]  RUN!!!!

Redford is an acquaintance of mine on Facebook, and oft refers to "Kitteh Dragon" in her posts. You can understand why I had to do this.

Putting down the Puppies. (Sad Puppies Bite Back VII)

Welcome to Sad Puppies Bite Back VII (The Anti-Puppies)

Previously, on Sad Puppies Bite Back...

Sad Puppies I
Sad Puppies II
Sad Puppies III
Sad Puppies IV

Sad Puppies V

Sad Puppies VI

It's now a series. Click the Tab above for new content.

A few notes.  The set up is from my friend Marina Fontaine, she of the Whedon fisk from a while ago.

This one is inspired by a column over at the Mad Genius Club, and it pointed out a few things. It noted how much personal destruction has been involved from the Forces of Good and Pure and Innocent anti-Puppies. 

On reflection, I'm not amused. 

The Puppies have been against leading a lynch party against the Anti-Puppies, while the latter are shooting for plausible deniability.

If they would like to play, let's play.

The Puppies are hungry.

The Anti-Puppies (Sad Puppies Bite Back VI)

Been a while since I used him

So ... more puppies.

See, I told you that they'd be back.  I was half afraid I'd never do another one as soon as I said "To be continued."

If you're new here....

Sad Puppies I
Sad Puppies II
Sad Puppies III
Sad Puppies IV

Sad Puppies V

What brought this one about?  Someone mentioned the other day that, well, NK Jemisin wanted to go to war against Larry Correia, because ... why not?  

My reaction was, "Wait, she wants to pick a fight with the lord of the fisk? Really?  Oh, this is just too good to pass up." 

And, well, everyone with me now, "It Just Spiraled."

Of course, I couldn't have done this one alone. I got input from The Novel Ninja (lots and LOTS of input ... and memes), the original inspiration came from His Tankness, and Margot also stayed up pasted her bed time to play with this.

For the record, a bit of legal CYA. For those of you who are named in this sketch: THIS IS A PARODY.  If you come to my blog, then whine, moan and complain that "Oh, I didn't do this or that" or some other damn thing, I'm not reporting the news, I'M MAKING FUN OF YOU.  If you comment that you're offended, I will merely make fun of you even MORE, because you not only lack a sense of humor, you can't even tell when something's supposed to be a joke. 

Thank you.  Now that that's over and done with, everyone with me now: UNLEASH THE PUPPIES

The Puppies of WoldCon, an Epilogue

UPDATE:  It's now a series. Click the Sad Puppies tab above for new content.

Or: Sad Puppies Bite Back, Part IV

So, yeah, here we go again.

I hang out with a lot of writers.  They have liked the previous Sad Puppy stories.  So they give me bits of business they would have liked to have seen....

The cycle begins anew.

If you're someone who hasn't been enjoying these articles ... feel free to comment and tell me something you DO want to see. I've been posting Puppies every other day, so tell me what you'd want to see on those days. I'm running out of music blogs anyway.  There will be a book review tomorrow.

While I think about it -- MY VAMPIRE NOVEL FINAL EDITS ARE DONE.  The next step is typesetting, then publishing. I'm told it might get to be published by September, so that should be interesting.

By the way, in other news, I'm thinking of posting A Pius Legacy (book 2) for free on Kindle in the next month. So watch this space for more on that. I figure that since A Pius Man is book 1, A Pius Stand is book 3, this should be like making people want to see A New Hope and Return of the Jedi by handing out Empire Strikes Back.  We'll see if that works.

But that's for later.

Now?

UNLEASH THE PUPPIES.

MATT BOWMAN, THE NOVEL NINJA

[SWAT comes up to a house made entirely of Lego Bricks.  They hit the door with a battering ram. The door disintegrates.  The SWAT team tries to charge in, but the Lego bricks act like caltrops, and hurt like a bastard.  They swarm through the house until they end up in the bed room. There is The Novel Ninja, Matthew Bowman, clothed in black from head to toe, sitting in a wheelchair.  He sits back, fingers steepled, perfectly calm]  May I help you gentlemen?

[SWAT leader looks confused] 911 had a call of a madman waving a gun around, threatening to kill someone.

[Bowman spreads his hands to indicate the rest of the house]  You obviously didn't find anyone else in the house, and I assure you I haven't been waving a gun around. I propose to you that I have been SWATted, a tactic of certain groups that involves calling in fake 911 calls upon their political adversaries, or people they merely don't like. One of the first incidents on record happened with an Erick Ericsson of Red State news, a conservative news service online. Though we really should look back on similar, older tactics that have been utilized since the dawn of...

[Bowman continues, weaving together a history of Chestertonian thought, Catholic history, Civilization IV, narrative, and, somehow, Lego.  One SWAT member starts bleeding from the eyes and ears, one suffers a grand mal seizure. The others fall back, blasting occasional cover fire.]

[Bowman] ...so you had no grounds for exigent circumstances.

[Bowman waits a moment to listen for the total silence.  He gives a little nod, then wheels himself over to a wall.  He opens up a secret panel.  Inside, there is a wheelchair that looks like it was created for Professor X, only modified by technicians from Mad Max. It is simply labeled "Convention Wheelchair."]  I'll reserve you for DragonCon.

[Bowman looks to a yellow suit hanging next to the wheelchair] I'll use you next time. Maybe if I ever go to WorldCon.

A few things on this one.  Mr. Bowman is a friend, and we've both kidded about his ability to use ten words when one can do. 

Matt doesn't actually call himself "The Novel Ninja," it's just the name of his blog / business. But that doesn't stop, well, anyone, really, from using it as a personal noun, not for just his business.

And if you don't get the Yellow Suit reference ... why aren't you watching The Flash?

Puppies Come to WorldCon

Update: Despite the ending notes, this is now a whole series. [Click tab above for more]

Sad Puppies Bite Back (Part 3)

The "Sad Puppies" parody world I have created in my head is slowly taking over my brain, so bear with me.

If you haven't read the last two parody blogs, you might be new here.  This started with a thought: what if Sad Puppy authors were SWATted (part 1)? Then it sort of drifted from the "ringleaders" in part one (Correia, Torgersen, Hoyt) to "mere" supporters in part two (Kratman, Ringo, Weber).

While I was chatting briefly with Tom Knighton, mentioning that the tank really was all him, I was struck with a thought: What would happen if the Puppies showed up at World Con, where the Hugos are handed out?  And not the real ones, the ones I've created here.

Stop me before I post again!

... But until that point, more puppies.  I just hope this isn't too much inside baseball, like with It Was Only On Stun!

Though for those people who know what I'm talking about, it may not be ENOUGH inside baseball.

If you're surprised that this has come to a point ... you're not the only one.

William "The Morrigan" Lehman

Lehman asked for this. Literally. Never say I am not obliging.

[Lone SWAT guy comes to submarine held in drydock (literally. On stilts, on dry land). SWAT guy knocks on the hull.  From the conn tower pops The Morrigan, William Lehman, looking more like a pirate than Johnny Depp ever will, parrot on one shoulder, cutlass in hand]  Avast! Who goes there?

[SWAT guy] Hey, Will, it's James. How're you doing?

[WL] Ahoy matey! What can I do for ye?

["James"] 911 called us, they got a report of you threatening someone with a gun?

[WL] Nonsense! All me muskets are locked up tight.

[James nods]  That's what we figured.  We knew something was off when they called your place a house. You hosted too many shindigs back when you worked with us on the force. See ya around.

[WL] By the way, matey, what day is it?

[James mentions date]  Avast! I must be off!

No, that's not the end of the story. Wait for it.