Marvel: Full of Fail

The original West Coast Avengers is probably what inspired Hawkeye having such a strong presence in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. In the comics, he was the leader of the WCA, which isn't bad for someone whose superpower is to hit what he aims at.

So, when Marvel brings back the WCA, I figure this is going to be awesome...

Then there's this.

What the flaming Hell is this BS, you ask? This is failure, my friends. Failure at the very core. Let us ignore rebranding it as "a team of young heros"... because that requires that they be heroes.

Let's start with the cover.... because nothing is happening. Nothing at all. Unless this collection of freaks and losers are going to be thrown at the reader, nothing is happening.

And good lord, what is going on with these characters. Well, I'll tell you.

See the lady in the pink / purple body suit? That's Hawkeye. Yes, really. That's what's Marvel has done to one of the more popular MCU characters. He was replaced with a Kate Bishop.

Now, originally, Kate Bishop was part of the Young Avengers, and looked more like a badass.

The original look for Bishop (right) was darker, sleeker, and she's more obviously mature. In fact, it's rather obvious that she's a flipping adult. She has more in common with Batman or Green Arrow than Hawkeye, being the child of a millionaire who shoots trick arrows. And apparently, her inciting incident that spurs her to being a heroine? Rape. Yeah. It's even on the Marvel biography page.

.... Ya know, even Jessica Jones, who started in the Marvel "adult" lines, was a slave of a mind-controlling psycho, and they explicitly stated that she had not been raped. But this is the "younger hero" line?

Anyway, at one point, Bishop was framed as the new Hawkeye... her book lasted 16 issues. Can we say fail?

Now she gets her own comic book. I don' t know where the purple body sock came from, but good God, someone should be taken out to the woodshed over it. Seriously, we go from the Young Avengers look to making her appear to be a rejected extra from the terrible Ghostbusters attempt from a few years back. What the Hell, people?

The one who looks like she's wearing a white body condom is "Gwen-Pool." Because we need a hundred variations on Deadpool, don't we?

The creature with the purple hair is a fellow named Quentin Quire.  He's a mutant, and his powers seem to be ... very lame. (Telepath, telekinetic, and "smart"). Apparently, his hair has always been purple. I don't even want to know whose bright idea it was to give him a makeover in San Francisco chic.

See the blond in the back? That's Clint "Hawkeye" Barton. Yup. The real Hawkeye. No, I don't know what happened to him. He looks like a rejected Archie character.

The person on the left is supposed to be male. At least, that's my conclusion, the artwork on this is so terrible I'm not entirely certain. According to press releases, this is supposed to be Kate Bishop's boyfriend "Johnny." Who has no powers. Why is he on the team? No idea.

Then there's America Chavez .... ugh. From what I can gather, her only characteristic is that she's "gay Mary Sue." Yup. That's it. Her selling point? She's a walking gay stereotype, and so is her author ... that was it...  Are we surprised that her comic book series was cancelled in 13 months? (March 2017 - April 2018).

So just to make this clear, this series has two-- count them, TWO -- characters that couldn't sustain their own comic book franchises and fell apart. The author who penned these failures (two issues of "America" and all of the "Hawkeye" attempt) will be the author of this new property, which is already full of fail, and I'm still just on the cover. They've even made Hawkeye look lame, but he's supposed to be the adult here.

Yeah, this sucks already.

One final observation: this sucks even worse because of the modifications made to the characters. If they tried to treat these characters AS ORIGINALLY DESIGNED, this might have made for an interesting collection of characters. Imagine the original design on Kate Bishop -- wealthy, classy, adult, serious -- then throw together an imperious "I'm smarter than you" mutant (Quentin Quire), a nutcase from an alternate dimension, and .... okay, no, America Chavez would still suck. Maybe it would have worked to try to get these people to work together, see how the personality conflicts result in some fun strangeness, but it's clear just from the cover that they've been made to look universally goofy, and uniformly lame.

This isn't a comic book, this is a still from the gay pride parade as interpreted through negative stereotypes.

Here, I'll give you a book where the men are men, the women are women, and even teenagers try to step up to become the line between good and evil.

While we're here, the Dragons are coming.

If you don't have your ballot filled out already (either IRL or in your head,) here's my list. It includes the lists of other people, so there are options.

Just remember to vote.

Election Day: Who Would Marvel and DC Vote For?

After Green Arrow / Green Lantern, Spider-Man (Peter Parker), and Batman (Bruce Wayne), Captain America, Iron Man (Tony Stark), Daredevil, Deadpool, Catwoman, Superman, Fantastic Four, and Luke Cage ....it's already been a busy day.

But for those of you just showing up, we're doing an expanded version of the 2012 post where I broke down comic book characters by politics. Because the 2016 election has been a joke since the nomination process.

This was an all day thing. One post per character ... mostly. The shorter ones will be grouped together. After all, there's no much I can do with Deadpool.

The ones done for this year include...

Captain America

Green Arrow / Green Lantern.

Spider-Man (Peter Parker)

Batman (Bruce Wayne)

Iron Man (Tony Stark)

Daredevil -- with Wilson Fisk (of course)

Deadpool -- Includes Norman Osborn and Two Face as bonus rounds

Catwoman -- with Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn

Superman -- and the Hulk, and even Nick Fury

Fantastic Four -- the Penquin, Mr. Freeze, and some nonstarters

Luke Cage -- this one will surprise you

Deathstroke -- this one may not surprise you as much.

Nonstarters

These are nonstarters in general, and I couldn't really scrounge up enough of these folks for their own entry.  They are both heroes and villains. And, while I would have loved to title this post "WWJVF: Who would Joker vote for," well, he's not really that complicated.

People who I have considered and rejected doing this time out include.

The Punisher: 
He's too easy. Frank Castle doesn't care. He wants his guns, and no one will take them away. Not the mob. Not politicians. No one. Ever. He's like a Honey Badger, he just doesn't give a darn. Trump? Hillary? He would probably take one look at everyone and tell them to simply leave him alone. Or they would be dead. Period.

Doctor Strange: It is too tempting to pull him in, since his film just came out, but really, would it help that much? I'm sure he would hate Obamacare, and what's been done to the healthcare industry in general, but as Sorcerer Supreme, I'm not even sure he's registered to vote anymore. And in what dimension? Hell, have you seen how he dresses? Imagine that walking into a voting booth. Then again, he does live in Greenwich Village, so would anyone notice?

Wolverine: Canadian. And unlike Deadpool (who I'm told is also from up North), he would let that stop him.

Jessica Jones: She's too drunk to vote. Otherwise, she'd vote Hillary, or Johnson, if she was feeling more nihilistic than usual.

Joker -- As noted, he'd probably kill everyone in the polling place, and vote Johnson.

Lex Luthor -- Would vote for himself. He was President once, after all.

Wonder Woman -- won't vote, since both candidates have no military service.

Thor -- Not a citizen, and therefore, can't vote.

Loki -- As a demigod of chaos, you can almost lay money that he would vote Bernie

And, while we're all here....try Murphy's Law of Vampires, sequel to the second place Sad Puppies 4 nominee for best novel, and Dragon Award nominated novel Honor at Stake came out yesterday. 

Enjoy.

Election Day: Who would Deadpool vote for?

Between Captain America, Green Arrow / Green Lantern, Spider-Man (Peter Parker), and Batman (Bruce Wayne), it's already been a busy day.

But for those of you just showing up, we're doing an expanded version of the 2012 post where I broke down comic book characters by politics. Because the 2016 election has been a joke since the nomination process.

This will be an all day thing. One post per character ... mostly. The shorter ones will be grouped together. After all, there's no much I can do with Deadpool.

Deadpool (AKA: Wade Wilson)

He's a bit of a nonstarter.

Born Wade Wilson (maybe), Deadpool is a mercenary, so he's a good capitalist, in theory, but he's not exactly the type to have an IRA or a stock portfolio.

The "Merc With a Mouth," Deadpool is officially insane. Not a little touched, not just overly daring, he is completely unstable -- he's got ADD, a little schizophrenia, serious memory problems, and an on-again-off-again relationship with Marvel's Lady Death.

VOTE GOES TO: Romney, then Obama, then Romney, then ... oh look, tacos!

See, I don't you I couldn't do much with him.

BONUS ROUND

Norman Osborn aka: the Green Goblin (Marvel).

Yup. I had to do another one.

One of the most evil bastards in the Marvel universe, Norman Osborn, by day, is a seriously big big business Wall Street CEO.  He is a vicious psychopath and merciless killer.  Norman Osborn mostly resides in New York City, which makes him a definite shoe-in for a Democratic voter, no matter who the candidate is.

Also, keep in mind -- as I noted with Iron Man -- that a lot of Wall Street tycoons are supporters to the Democratic party -- John Corzine, Robert Rubin (Goldman Sachs), Citibank, and George Soros (Democrat and Obama's biggest supporter), Brookfield Asset Management, Lehman Brothers (who later worked for the Obama Administration).

Can you imagine what Osborn would do with a stimulus package?

VOTE GOES TO: Hillary. Though he might object to someone with a more hideous laugh than him.

One more I think.

BONUS ROUND 2.

Two Face, aka Harvey Dent (DC)  

Harvey has a split personality, in more ways than one. Before he went crazy, Harvey was a prosecutor, which makes him a perfect shoe-in for a Republican voter.

However, after he was disfigured with acid, he has a serious problem of making up his mind on anything at all. Almost all binary problems are solved with a flip of a two-headed coin, one side scarred.

VOTE GOES TO: It's a toss up. A coin toss you might say

See the previous post: Captain America
Green Arrow / Green Lantern.
Spider-Man (Peter Parker)
Batman (Bruce Wayne)
Iron Man (Tony Stark)
Daredevil

Or, while we're all here.... Murphy's Law of Vampires, sequel to the second place Sad Puppies 4 nominee for best novel, and Dragon Award nominated novel Honor at Stake came out yesterday. 

Enjoy.

The Catholic Geek: Superbowl Edition

The Catholic Geek: Superbowl Edition



Host Declan Finn once against tackles a broadcast all by himself by completely ignoring the Superbowl, but does stop to make fun of Liz Bourke of Tor, Marvel's tv shows, and deliver some news about Deadpool, the Hugos, and maybe even do a reading from his work. Again.

Peter David @DragonCon 2014, on Deadpool, Stephen King and Charles Dickens.

Who would Captain America vote for? An election special

With Halloween only days away, and my city being screwed up by a hurricane (cue Scorpions song here), I decided to take a more original approach to looking at the upcoming elections.

A while ago, someone decided to take a look at the politics of Captain America, something I thoroughly made fun of him for, though the original author at Salon.com found my article, and declared he was completely tongue in cheek. Honest he was.

In the spirit of going completely and utterly over the top, I figure I would take it one step further.  However, I'm going to tell you right now that this is a joke from minute one to minute last.

Batman, aka Bruce Wayne 

Click to read.

Bruce Wayne has approximately more money than God, deals in advanced technological research, and while he has been known to contribute to the occasional ecological issues, he's also been known to draw the line at basic, reasonable limits (he won't, say, be in favor of sacrificing lives to save an endangered squirrel or something similarly ridiculous).

Also, can you imagine Batman dealing with an Occupy Gotham movement?

There would be pain, there would be fear, and then, they would run screaming for their mommies.

VOTE GOES TO: I think we've got a Romney voter here

Oliver Queen, aka Green Arrow (DC Universe). 

Why, yes.
I do think I'm Robin Hood

For those of you who don't know Green Arrow from the comic books (not the tv show Arrow).... personally, he's sort of like the anti-Batman. Or, as Novel Ninja Matthew Bowman put it, the comic book Green Arrow was like Batman if he had been bitten by a radioactive Robin Hood.

While also from a rich, industrial family, Oliver Queen is Left-Wing. I don't mean Democrat, I mean Left-wing, pseudo-socialist.  Half his conversations with the Justice League involve him screaming "You're all a bunch of fascists!"  I'm not even certain he knows how serious he is about such things.

In any event, it's kinda clear that he'll vote for the most Left-wing politician there is. The only politician like that who will reliably show up on the national stage, including Queen's fictional Starling City, would probably be Barack Obama.

However, since Ollie had been Mayor of Starling City once, he'd probably put himself on the ballot, and promptly vote for himself.

VOTE GOES TO: Either Obama, himself, or the farthest Left-wing candidate available.

Captain America (Steve Rodgers)

Because I'm Captain America, damnit.

Pro-Army, pro-gun, pro-Apple pie, Captain America has spent his entire existence dealing with foreign policy issues.  On social issues, Steve would be very 1940s -- abortion was a dangerous, illegal procedure, and any pills like birth control or contraceptives were also illegal, so that entire issue is a nonstarter.

Economically, his attitude would probably be very much on the order of, "People get their own jobs, right? Well, a little hard work, everything will be fine." Between those two, I think we've got a one-issue voter.   Given the rate of speed the Benghazi disaster is shaping up, I can't imagine him voting for anyone other than Mitt Romney.

VOTE GOES TO: Romney

Iron Man (Tony Stark)

This is a tough one. Despite the movies, billionaire industrialist Tony Stark mostly resides in New York City, which makes him a definite shoe-in for a Democratic voter, no matter who the candidate is.

Also, keep in mind that a lot of Wall Street tycoons are supporters to the Democratic party -- John Corzine, Robert Rubin (Goldman Sachs), Citibank, and George Soros (Democrat and Obama's biggest supporter), Brookfield Asset Management, Lehman Brothers (who now work for the Obama Administration).

On the other hand, Tony Stark is a pro-weapon kind of fellow -- let's face it, he's gone a few steps beyond the second amendment, and his father made the nuclear bomb -- and let's look at most of Tony Stark's villains. He fights Soviet Russians, Communist-Chinese, as well as other competitors. In the comic books, Stark was pretty much supposed to be pro-American, right-wing, supports America's wars sort of fellow.

And he made a killing on all those predator drones....

VOTE GOES TO: Either Stark is a Romney voter, or he'll be spending election day at home, drunk.

Superman, aka Clark Kent

Clark Kent is a big city reporter, and over 80% of journalists are Democrat supporters, so it should go Obama.  Kent has also recently given up a job with the Daily Planet because it was bought but someone who kinda resembles Rupert Murdoch -- evil big business, after all.  So, that would be left-leaning.

On the other hand, Clark Kent was raised in Kansas by a rural farming family. So there's a possibility for Romney.

However, as Superman, he once rescinded his American citizenship for five minutes.

VOTE GOES TO: Romney and Obama, depending on who's writing Superman at the time.


Bruce Banner, aka The Incredible Hulk 

Dr. Bruce Banner, fugitive from practically everybody on the planet, he likes the back end of nowhere, and staying as far from military and local authorities as humanly possible.

Enter Obama, who seems to want to cut the military budget and the US involvement in foreign affairs.  And he has anger management issues.

VOTE GOES TO: Obama.

Nick Fury

Another World War II vet, Nick Fury is a spymaster, will defend the planet against enemies foreign and domestic, which will make him both socially conservative and pro-military.

Then again, he'll want someone he can manipulate.  Or would he want someone who agrees with him already?

VOTE GOES TO: Whoever Fury has rigged the election for, so .... Romney? Maybe?

Daredevil, aka Matthew Murdock

A New York trial lawyer, Daredevil is a natural Obama voter. The ABA backs democrats automatically. Mathew Murdock is also all about community. I could see him as a supporter of Occupy Wall Street, if his super sense of smell didn't cripple him every time he found a client who never showered.

On the other hand, Matt Murdock has always been Catholic.  He's very Catholic .....

Then again, he's a bit of a man-whore in the Marvel Universe. He'd be interested in contraceptives, if only to keep potential child support payments to a minimum.

VOTE GOES TO: Obama

[MORE BELOW THE BREAK]

The best comics of the web

Recently, I've done a run of book blogs -- John Ringo, David Weber, Thrillers, Romance, etc, etc.  Now for something strange: Webcomics.

Don't be fooled. There are some excellently written works out there, that if they were written in prose format, would probably be up for major awards in science fiction and fantasy.  However, since there is a bias against comics, these are generally overlooked. If you don't believe me, asked Neil Gaiman -- when his story for Sandman won the World Fantasy Award for short fiction, they changed the rules so no other comic could win in that category.

Some of my suggestions.

Dominic Deegan: Oracle for Hire: It starts out as a small-town "seer" working for the local population, filled with puns, and a punchline a comic strip .... it ends with major character development, a cast of dozens, and a story arc that makes Lord of the Rings look simple and straight forward.

Day By Day: a political cartoon for those who are generally fed up with politics as usual.  God for those of either side of the aisle, really, but basically right-leaning.

Questionable Content: Basically Left-leaning, but filled with humor about practically every subgenre of the culture, and music, complete with strange anthropomorphic robots .... just go with it, it's fun.

C+A+D on Spartans

Girl Genius: Another epic fantasy story.  If you've ever heard of steampunk, you have the idea .... oh, and there's plenty of basic politics (of the fantasy world, not of this one), and death rays galore.

Ctrl+Atl+Del: This is another unexpected one.  While it is centered around video games and the gamers who play them, there are some unexpected plotlines that are quite stellar .... just keep your eye on the penguin.

Order of the Stick: A very strange comic, drawn in ... stick figure format?  Believe it or not, the artwork aside, it's very standard "bring everyone together to stop the end of the world" fantasy storyline, with a lot of side stories, unexpected character development, and .... oh, yeah, it's within a world completely ruled by the rules for role playing games.

The Gutters on the
new Venom

PhD Comics: for anyone who's ever been to graduate school. Just trust me on this one.

The Gutters:  A relatively new webcomic, dedicated to making fun of the comic book industry, and all of the stupid things they do.

Crimson Dark: If David Weber was a web comic, it would be Crimson dark ... with a few touches of Firefly thrown in.

Whew, got this done in the nick of time.

See you all tomorrow.

Disasters to Marvel At, the Revenge: A Brief History in Comics.

(This post is dedicated to all of those comic book fans who are single this Valentine's Day. If you're interested in a romance-themed blog, check out last week here.)

We interrupt this week's blog post (originally on writing) to bring you this update.

Which reason do you like?

Thus far, the most read post this blog has been "Disasters to Marvel At: A Comic Discussion," where I reviewed about five years of Marvel comics' story lines, and came to the conclusion that they were gimmick-ridden, hackneyed plots, and that Disney should make Joe Quesada walk the plank off the top of 666 5th Avenue. 

I wrote it in November.

 In January, Joe Quesada was "promoted" from Chief Editor to "creative consultant." 

In the Catholic Church, the Vatican also has a tendency to "promote" certain bishops to come to Rome.  And they're never heard from again, because they're put into the deepest, darkest little cubicle the Vatican has.

So, Joe Q's promotion pretty much sounds like a way of saying "We'll put him someplace where he can't hurt anything."

Why would I say that?  Let's take a (very) brief look at the kind of stupidity coming out of Marvel lately.

Writer's Rules For Villains

Rules for Antagonists, Villains, etc.


A long while ago, a writer came up with a contest for Rules for Superheroes. It was cute, and genre-specific.

But I always like a smart enemy to go with my protagonists. Preferably, someone who thinks ahead.  So, I have Rules for Antagonists.  Be they killers in murder mysteries, archvillains in comic books, or your basic takeover the world types in science fiction and fantasy, this should be their playbook.


Rule #1: NEVER. TOUCH. THE GIRLFRIEND.  It only pisses them off.

Drazen's Corollary: While abducting the significant other / close relation of your archrival in order to lure him/her into your sinister trap, it will only serve to piss them off.  Your normally docile hero, who tends towards nonlethal force, will seriously consider thrashing you to within an inch of your life, and--if no sidekicks are there to enforce restraint--might go three inches beyond that.

Parker's Corollary on Drazen: If you MUST lure them anywhere, use the standard busload of children chosen at random--it will typically serve to get the required effect, especially with a note to the local media sources and/or police agencies.  Should you do this in a city with a high protagonist population (eg: Marvel's New York), be certain to request the hero of your choice: otherwise you get all of them.


Rule #2. Don't gloat. The amount of time it takes for you to boast, and threaten, and deliver your well-practiced maniacal laughter, someone you overlooked will have unplugged your weapon / unlocked the handcuffs on the prisoners / otherwise screwed up your plans.  Gloat after you've won. (Also: See rule 7)

Fletcher's Corollary: Overlook no one. Seriously, if you're going to take over the world / kill someone / unleash a diabolical scheme, no one is unimportant. Witnesses will provide evidence. Just because it's some nobody in the background asking questions doesn't mean there's no threat—people in the background tend to observe a lot.

Goldfinger's Corollary: Never use the line, "Because you are all about to die anyway, I will tell you all about my evil plan."  This includes all variations on this theme.


Rule #3: Avoid patterns. No matter how comfortable you are with a certain places / style / or MO, repeating it on a constant loop will only serve to have the authorities find you.



Rule #4: Wear gloves during your crimes. If possible, wear a full body suit to prevent fingerprints, hairs, or skin cells from being left behind.

Grissom's Corollary For Killers: This includes keeping souvenirs.



Rule #5: Don't let ideology govern your tactics. Just because your ideology says that your enemy is inferior doesn't make them stupid.

Tarkin's Corollary. Underestimating your enemies will get you killed.

Thrawn's Corollary on Tarkin: Underestimating your allies will also get you killed.


Rule #6: Suicide bombers have never won a war, or even a battle. It only wastes experienced soldiers. Even disposable foot soldiers are not infinite. Minions do not grow on trees.

Zahn's Corollary: Unless you have a cloning unit for disposable foot-soldiers.

Von Doom's (PhD) Corollary on Zahn:  Or you build your own.


Rule #7 (or Rule 2, Expanded): If you have a chance to remove the adversary from the playing field on a permanent basis, do so. Do not lecture them, explain your scheme, or toy with them. Shoot them in the head, and move on.

Stark's Corollary: Also, do not wound them so they can still be useful to you. If they can be useful to you, they can also hurt you.

Ming's Corollary on Stark: Your enemy can be useful to you – dead. Examples are usually better that way.



Rule #8: If you cannot see the hero, worry.

Murphy's Corollary: If you cannot see your adversary, s/he is behind you.



Rule #9: No self destruct mechanisms, unless they are password protected, and require the passwords of at least three of your closest allies.  And confirmed by you. Twice.



Rule #10: Plan ahead.  You have all the time in the world to unleash your deadly plot on the world, or execute your crime.  Take appropriate precautions, and don't assume that everything will go according to plan.  If your plan is perfect, you're missing something.  Murphy is always right.

Palpatine's Corollary: If you are going to invite your enemies to come into range of your ultimate weapon, make sure that it's finished first.



Rule #11: No time travel. You don't have enough aspirin in the world to deal with the headache it will cause.

Doctor's Corollary: Unless you have a blue box.
 

 
Rule #12: Whatever psychological problems you have, make sure that you utilize them well.

Wilson's Corollary: Don't suffer from madness.  Enjoy every minute of it.



Rule #13: When your adversary is incapacitated, on the floor, at your mercy, it is not the time to (a) exercise your creativity in designing Rube Goldberg-esque death traps (b) write your monologue or (c) start gloating.  The answer is (d) shoot them in the head and move on.

From Comic books readers and Scifi fans, to James Patterson and back. Why anyone can enjoy a Pius Man

[Author's note: this was originally going to be a note on Marketing. It didn't turn out that way.]


What do you call a book chock full of hundred year old conspiracies, dangerous priests, psychotic mercenaries, operatives trained to kill practically from birth, international political intrigue, a terrorist plot, and a wide ranging collection of protagonists the likes of which the world hasn't seen since the team that took out Dracula?


You call it A Pius Man.

Now, who should read it? On the face of it, it seems like yet another in a long line of bad Da Vinci Code ripoffs that have come out in legion since Dan Brown's super-hyped novel hit the scene an interminable amount of time ago. However, while my book has conspiracies and religion, that's more or less where the similarities end. There will be no puzzles, the French will not be a threat, and no one will spend dozens of pages finding their way out of an art museum.

That said, there are some people who just don't read thrillers. Understandable, it's a term so generic you can toss a net over a whole host of authors... some of whom probably should have a net thrown over them anyway, just to be safe. However, when a field is as vast as the comic-bookish feel of Clive Cussler's NUMA novels, to the theoretical science of James Rollins, to a Barry Eisler novel, half of which takes place in the head of his protagonist, assassin John Rain. It's almost as diverse a group as public Catholic figures—as Oscar Wilde used to say: Here Comes Everybody. Can't call it a historical thriller, because then it will be mistaken for a period peace like the Sharpe's novels of Bernard Cornwell—I wouldn't mind having his audience, but they might feel gypped to find it set in the 21st century.

So, who the hell should read this book?


Comic book fans: My first agent drew parallels between the team of protagonists and the Justice League—possibly since this is the most international team since the original Dracula. One character has already been compared to Deadpool—of the comic, not the film. Throw in adversaries who seem preternaturally strong, fast, and trained... well, it's not like fighting the Hordes of Hydra, but my villain isn't exactly the Red Skull. Some are as serious as a police procedural, and some might as well have wanted to be Doc Savage when they grew up. One of them even works with “Middle Earth's Most Wanted Elven Assassin,” and no, I'm not kidding.


Science Fiction fans—who will hopefully forgive me for calling it “SciFi” above: Key pieces of this story involve NLW technology. Or, in standard English, non-lethal weaponry. Microwave cannons that emit plasma beams, tazer beam weapons, gases, explosives; if it's been mentioned, or appeared in a semi-realistic video game, it's probably in there. Throw in the laser-keyboards and the microwave microphones, you can outfit a small Sharper Image store.


Spy fans: International intrigue? Got it. Shadowy figures? Check. Conspiracy theories? At least five of them, and three are right. We also have: the obligatory evil Cardinal; a pale, silver haired priest with commando training (not to be confused with an albino, of course); the Jesuits, the Opus Dei, and the Knights Templar all show up, just so I can play with some of the old cliches


Readers of history: Yes, A Pius Man actually has historical facts. Literally, they happened. This is a book where the history presented in its pages can be footnoted. I know this because the original draft had footnotes. It was suggested that I take them out... however, I still have the bibliography in the back.


People who like intelligent destruction: There's an assassination on page two, an explosion on page three, a wrecked car by page seven, and a mercenary with a resume that reads like scripts of the A-Team. We'll ignore the shootout on the Spanish Steps in the armored SUV. Death, property damage, and utter ruination are always good for an audience. It worked for four Die Hard films.


Political folk: As much as I loathe to admit it, there's politics in this novel. It goes to motivation for the various and sundry parties. Besides: how do you negotiate being a Catholic—universal—Church? Unlike being a superpower, like the United States, you can't pick and choose who you associate with just because they're valuable to you. If that were the case, I wouldn't have a friend whose uncle is a missionary in China. And what happens when you put an African Pope who's to the right of Attila the Hun into the middle of this particular hurricane?

At the end of the day, the only people who should probably NOT read A Pius Man are those who expect a novel by way of Mitchner, or Clavell. Half of the book is filled with thoughtful, drawn out characters who are trying to think their way through the problem at hand. The other half of the book is filled with various and sundry creative ways to lay waste to large parts of Rome—from shooting up the Spanish Steps to trashing Leonardo Da Vinci airport.

Oh, and there's a love story in there, too.

And this is just the first book. Book two is the fallout, and countermoves by those bad guys who survive book one. Book three is where I recreate the Battle of Thermopylae.... if the 300 had possessed remote-detonated landmines.


Anyway, if you or any of your friends might enjoy anything listed above, you might want to join the fan page, or invite them to tag along. Or both.

Novels to films, a brief history

I have received the question, at times, about who should play characters in a film of A Pius Man.  This got me thinking about adaptations. Given the last decade of novel-to-film movies, the question becomes more interesting.

Looking at the slew of Harry Potter films, filmed comic books, etc, I find that Hollywood has obviously hired people who can read.

Why do I express surprise? I can answer that with another question.

Does anyone REMEMBER the 1990s?

Let's look at a few authors who had their work turned into films.

Michael Chrichton:

Author of such noted works as Jurassic Park, Congo, and Rising Sun, he probably had the most good fortune of any author short of Stephen King in having his books translated by Hollywood. And that's the sad part.

Anyone who's read Chrichton's work will appreciate a book I saw while shopping in London. Star Trek as Written By Other Authors—the short story as “written” by Chrichton had five charts and graphs over three pages. While no one missed those in the film versions, I'm sure they missed a few other things.

In Jurassic Park, the novel, the differences were numerous and frequent. There were dozens of Velociraptors, and part of the problem was that raptors had been escaping to the mainland. The park staff was more than the seven people we saw over the course of the film, and security was so well armed, there were moments when it looked like it was Park security versus the dinosaurs in an all out war that included missiles.

Back then, there were few complaints because, despite all the differences, it was still a fun movie, and to create a full adaptation would have required a miniseries. Elements from the first novel would be scattered throughout the next two films.

The Lost World: The sequel to Jurassic Park, the novel, was... better than the filmed version. While the novel followed up on the original enemy from the first one (the problems of Jurassic Park were caused by industrial espionage), the movie decided to make the primary adversary was the stereotyped “Evil Businessman #1.” Someone decided that the movie needed to be made into an endangered species riff, complete with an action lead played by.... Matthew Vaughn, playing an ecoterrorist? And we're going to throw in a cute kid, just because Spielberg likes cute kids. There's a reason that the third film consisted of little plot, less character, and mostly running.

Rising Sun: Someone must have been asleep on the job when looking up their cultural research. I can only conclude that Hollywood wasn't paying attention the day that the Japanese Emperor declared that both blacks and women were “inferior”... why else would they change make one of the lead policemen of this murder mystery into Wesley Snipes?



Tom Clancy: The major problem here lies in one book, one that I'm sure everyone remembers as a film.

The Sum of All Fears: The premise of the novel was simple. Middle Eastern terrorists nuke the Superbowl in order to prompt the United States and the Soviet Union into World War III. It's up the National Security Adviser Jack Ryan to talk everyone down.

I will usually grant a lot of leeway to people who adapt a screenplay. A lot. The previous film had been several years before, and Harrison Ford had moved on to other things. It would have been reasonable to have gone onto later novels, changed actors, and move on. Alec Baldwin had played Jack Ryan in the first film, The Hunt for Red October, I would not have objected to bringing him back. And they had already skipped one novel—The Cardinal of the Kremlin—due to the fact that there wasn't a Kremlin anymore. Taking the character of Jack Ryan from his post as CIA director (from the previous film, Clear and Present Danger) and making him NSA director (in Debt of Honor, the first post-Cold War novel), would have been nice and easy.

Instead, the film for Sum of All Fears was a series reboot about shiny new CIA analyst Jack Ryan (Ben Affleck), going up against.... wait for it... Neo-Nazis. Most of whom were taken out in an ending sequence reminiscent of a Godfather film.

So, wait, the movie comes out after 9-11-01, and for some reason, terrorists from the Middle East are inferior villains? Hollywood's racism is astonishing; somehow, European bad guys are superior to any other flavor of bad guy, especially if the Europeans are evil Nazis.



Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child

The Relic: The first book in their series about mysterious FBI Agent Prendergast, who seems to specialize in X-Files quality strange, without the space-alien level stupidity. The Relic was a thrilling tale about a monster in the New York Museum of Natural History. When the book was first written, the museum in real life looked like a great setting for a horror film. Part of this team consisted of a graduate student Margo Green, her wheelchair bound mentor Dr. Frock, and, of course, Special Agent Prendergast. The mystery starts with what, exactly, could have killed a museum security guard in two blows—one to rip open the chest, and one to smash the back of the head clean off.

The adversary of the novel was a genetic mutation that was about eight feet long, like a cross between a panther and bug... it had an exoskeleton like an insect's chiton, only bulletproof. It survives an encounter with a SWAT team with full assault rifles and a grenade launcher.

The film... eliminated multiple key characters (one being Prendergast, goodbye series), killed off several who were necessary for any possible sequel, replaced everyone remaining with pure cliches, and made the creature a thirty to sixty foot monstrosity. This extra large beastie is supposed to have slipped into a small employee restroom to kill a guard, when it couldn't even fit into the hallway leading to the restroom. It manages to kill an entire SWAT team because they all run like scared rabbits—possibly frightened by the horrid graphics—and it starts bleeding because it took a few rounds from a .9mm handgun (to quote the governor of California, if it bleeds, you can kill it). But, no, in this film, they had to try blowing it up with bad CGI fire.



I'm going to cheat for the next few books. They are not the nineties, but they are film adaptations that went horribly sideways.



F. Paul Wilson—The Keep.

This one is interesting. F. Paul Wilson, Fordham graduate, agnostic, and all around interesting person, who even created a character with a rabid following—one so rabid Stephen King is President of the fan club.

One of his earlier books was called The Keep. It opens in 1943, with the German High Command getting a communication from an outpost in Transylvania: “Something is killing my men.” In another area of Europe, a man awakes, and knows he has to get to The Keep before everything ends. It essentially starts out as Dracula and ends as Lord of the Rings.

Enter: the movie. The author himself has concluded that the set of The Keep had a lot of white powder going up a lot of noses. Frequently. Not even Ian McKellen could save this train wreck. The synopsis of the film is as follows: creature kills Germans in WW2; a professor in the Keep makes deal with creature. Professor's daughter sleeps with guy who comes out of nowhere. Creature kills everyone in the Keep. Guy who comes from nowhere has an entrance with lots of light, creature goes away. Credits roll. Audience goes “huh?”


Clive Cussler—Raise the Titanic!

Before there was Indiana Jones, there was Clive Cussler. His main character is Dirk Pitt, one part old fashioned swashbuckler, one part nautical engineer. You may have seen the movie Sahara, made from another of his books—not a great film, but a decent popcorn movie. Better than this one.

Premise: there is an element that might be able to power a sonic-missile shield for the United States (this is the 70s). The only known sample was on board the Titanic, so, we—guess what—RAISE THE TITANIC! (this was before anyone knew how badly the ship had been totaled, so go with it). The book had everyone sail away on the resurrected vessel after a tense shootout with Soviet agents who had found out about the plan and tried to steal the precious material.

The movie, of course, had to have the Soviet bad guys come on board, and our hero scuttles the ship to make sure they don't get it. No victory, just a draw.

Movies of the day suffered from the Hollywood's idea of detente—there are no victories, only draws. If that was the only problem Raise the Titanic suffered from, it might have been salvageable. Instead, Hollywood took a fast paced, tightly written book, and turned it into a slow, ponderous mess. To tell you how bad it was, Clive Cussler saw Raiders of the Lost Ark and cried—mainly because it captured everything that he put into his own writing.


Today, I look at several adaptations—if you have major kvetches, I suggest holding off of them until my conclusions.

Lord of the Rings: Scenes lifted directly from the pages, dialogue from the novel, subplots taken from the appendix. You don't get much better than this. The major quibble I can conjure up is the buildup to the climax of the second film, The Two Towers—and I can blame that on the director's fondness for the buildup in the film Zulu, which felt like nothing but screaming “WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.” Aside from that part of one film, I couldn't complain even if I wanted to.



Harry Potter: I read the books. They weren't bad for YA novels, and a nice parody of the English school system. The more you know about British culture, the funnier they were. Frankly, I thought the films improved on some things. Granted, some of what was left out of the films confused me... in movie three, there's no explanation for a major device of the film, or how another character knows of it. In #4, our protagonist asks why something went odd with his wand, and no answer is given. I say its odd because both “problems” could have been corrected with about three lines of dialog each. And, while confusing, no big deal. The end.



Comic books.

These are clumped together, and easy.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine: For a film that was studio mandated, it wasn't bad. Originally wanting to make Frank Miller's storyline about the mutant with anger management / memory / family issues, the people who did the film were ordered to make an origin story. Considering that the details of everyone involved in Wolverine's past were essentially turned into memory goulash, it was possibly the most comprehensible version they could come up with. I'm still confused about complaints that “Deadpool wasn't done well. He was just Ryan Renolds.” Considering that Deadpool wasn't the main character, and had, maybe, five minutes on screen, I don't think you can do anyone well in that amount of time.



The Spider-Man Films: The comic book career of Peter Parker looks like a rubric to diagnose bipolar disorder. Check. The whole Goblin family drama—mostly. Check. Parker puts on the black suit and turns from nerd to.... evil nerd. Big check. Though he could have taken tips from Neil Patrick Harris on being an evil nerd.

The biggest complaint has been about Spider Man 3, particularly on the character of Venom... well, as Sam Raimi said, “I had never read Venom in the comic books, since they came after my time. Because of that, I didn't have a natural inclination toward him. And when I read those comics, at [producer] Avi Arad's urging, I didn't understand where Venom's humanity was. I know that kids think he looks cool, and they think he's a good villain for Spider-Man. I actually didn't. What was it about Peter's own makeup that this villain represented some weaker or darker side to? Just looking like a dark version of him is not enough for me. The more I read [Venom stories], the less interested I became.” So, I get that. Though I wonder why he bothered putting Venom in a film if he didn't really like him.

Aside from that, there could be aesthetic quibbles—why they felt they had to make the Green Goblin look like a power Rangers, I don't know.


Batman Begins: I've had some people complain about the opening of the film, and how Bruce Wayne had been trained to become Batman. My usual response is that, if you read the comic books, the way it was done in the film contained the simplest, least convoluted explanation, as well as introducing the primary villain. And if there are any complaints about The Dark Knight, the best I can come up with is that the movie should have left off with catching the Joker, leaving Harvey Dent / Two-Face to be an ominous thread to be expanded into another movie. The last fifteen minutes felt odd, but having one of your key actors die in the middle of shooting can mess up a schedule a bit.



Now, aside from the above example, I will not say that modern day Hollywood adaptations are all perfect. That would be impossible. However, without lingering on minor quibbles, I can point you to several movies made recently that were based on books and made into something... different.


Shooter, based off of Stephen Hunter's novels about a marine sniper who had been framed for murder, turned into the usual conspiracy theory film about evil government employees messing around in Africa for one natural resource or another. That it starred Castro fan Danny Glover was a hint that the book would be rewritten.


[NOVEL SPOILER ALERT] The Bourne Identity was based off of Robert Ludlum's novel of the same name. A tv miniseries was made in the 1980s, starring Alan Chamberlain. The CIA had sent operative David Webb, war veteran, after assassin Carlos the Jackal, seeming to be another assassin and competitor named Jason Bourne. During the operation, he is shot in the head while fleeing a ship at sea, and awakes with amnesia. In piecing together the story of his life, he believes that he really is an assassin, the CIA thinks he has gone rogue, and the assassin he's hunting is returning the favor, and a civilian he saves from being gunned down in the crossfire is a female accountant who grows attached to him.

The movie: Boat, amnesia, perfect operative, check. Carlos the Jackal is replaced by African Dictator #1 from the nearest cliché yard, and the CIA isn't interested in listening to what happened to him, they all just want him dead. Period. Everyone involved on the CIA end dies, except for Julia Styles, using her amazing blonde powers. Bourne hooks up with a backpacking, gypsy-like female with no discernible education, intellect, or personality.

The Bourne Supremacy – The novel: elements in the government want to use David Webb to flush out another assassin, only this one has taken over the name of Jason Bourne. So, they kidnap his wife, the accountant he saved in the first novel, leaving clues that end him after this new Bourne. The CIA isn't the bad guy, but they are manipulative, which pretty much goes with the trade. Webb's other friends within the Agency lend him aide as he tries to find his wife.

The film: Still on the run as Jason Bourne, his girlfriend gets her head blown off by a Russian assassin on orders from a CIA administrator left over from an X-Men film .... Start your average revenge plot. Kill more CIA agents. Throw in some Russians, because they are obviously still the massive, intimidating threat that they were when they had a working government, now that they're taking orders from us, somehow.... huh? Julia Styles still manages to survive.

The Bourne Ultimatum—the novel is simple: Revenge of Carlos the Jackal. The film: obviously not, because they didn't have Carlos in the first film anyway.


In short, Hollywood has apparently become literate since the 90s—or, at the very least, is CAPABLE of adhering to source material such as novels and comic books. I'm certain that part of it has to do with a director appreciating the source material (Lord of the Rings), or a horde of slavering child fans who will tear them apart if they screw up the movie (the whole Harry Potter / Twilight franchise), or having the Intellectual Property owners run the studio (Marvel / WB). When you consider what has come in the past, things have improved.

Though, apparently, all bets are off when a film include Matt Damon or his clone (Mark Wahlberg). Still, even those films at least resemble the books they were based on to some degree. So, whenever you have a quibble about your favorite character in a novel / comic that's been adapted to film, or that elements had been changed, shifted or modified, always remember one very important lesson that I have learned over the years.....


It can ALWAYS be worse.

And if you don't believe me, ask the hordes of video game fans who have ever gone to see a Uwe Boll film of their favorite game.

How A Pius Man Came to be: Part 2

Part 2: Now what?

So, you're going to right a history novel that's both thrilling and accurate, without resorting to something over the top fantastical in the meantime?

The answer there is: that's nice, wake me when you're done.

Oh, darn, wait—I want to write it!

Now what?